A
male
age
41-50,
*arkhelmet
writes:This question may seem long, however i am only including the relevent info because i believe this is a unique situation and need some advice.I am in my mid twenties and i had been dating this lovely lady for a few months. We started off as friends (but i always liked her so i always hoped for more.) This lady is the same age as me and she has been through a lot. She had two brain surgeries within a year and a half and after the first one, her boyfriend of a year broke up with her in the hospital via a text message (so he was a real jerk.) The second surgery was completed August 2006 (so it is fairly still fresh.)Going into this relationship she told me that before i came around she kinda hated all men and that she wanted to take things really slow. Things between her and I were going extremly well and there was no sign of anything wary. About two weeks ago she told me that she did not get "the butterflies when we kissed and that she wanted to break up but remain friends" She also told me that she had been feeling like that for a month. Two weeks before we broke up we made plans for me to go to a wedding as her date and go upstate for a different weekend. Why would she make/agree with the plans if she knew she was going to break up with me? She also told me that she wants to remain friends with me. Here are my questions1. What does it mean when she says there is no spark? Is she making an excuse for something else? DOes it mean that there will never be a connection between her and I?2. She knows i really care about her. Why would she insist that we stay friends knowing that its near impossible for me to do so? Should i stay friends with her?3. Is there something i can do to win her back?Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): No spark means no physical attraction. It seems the attraction was that you are a nice guy and she really likes you alot. That is why she wants to be friends. After awhile, most people realize that nice and friends is not enough for a male/female relationship. Your girlfriend has had to admit this first to yourself then to you.
She will not change how she feels about you, well maybe for a day or week, but not in the long run. And by the way physical attraction is different for everyone. This does not mean you are not attractive, it means you are not her 'type' physically. My girlfriends and I rarely agree on who is and is not attractive.
Its your choice now to be friends or not. For me it would hurt too much. Someday she will be with someone else, can you be her 'friend' when that day comes?
A
female
reader, Millyella  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 Only you can decide if you can bear to be 'just friends' with this lady. It's what she wants, but can you do that?
As to the other questions, take her at her word. If she says she doesn't feel a spark, believe her. She has no reason to lie to you. She has told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you, but only friendship. I'm sure that she will understand if that is too much for you to do, given that you feel more for her than that. She will not insist on maintaining a friendship that you do not want.
Believe what she says, don't overanalyse. As i said, she has no reason to lie to you. Give her space and be her friend if you can bear it, and if not, well then just be honest with her and explain why you can't.
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A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (8 February 2007):
 I Feel for you, I really do. You Love this woman very much, and it shows. She knows how much you Love her, i`m sure. However, although she, obviously, feels a lot for you too, she has been under enormous strain; both physically and mentally. No-one can be expected to function normally on a day to day basis with lots of stress and worry, and this Lady of yours has certainly had her share. I don`t think you need to "win her back", as you never actually lost her; she says there is "no spark", my guess is she`s worn out; stress, worry and fatigue, over a period of time wreak havoc on our bodies, and our minds. With all that this brave lady has endured, it is no suprise that she cannot contemplate a romantic relationship at this time. What you need to do, is Always be there for her, especially in times of need, as you have in the past. Take one day at a time, never pressurising her, just supporting her, just "being there". Sometimes, a shock / Trauma takes time to come out; This could be the case here. Please stay with this woman, friends only at the moment, if that`s all she wants right now, and I`m sure that when she feels better, and I`m praying for you both, she will again come to you as a woman, not just a friend. I know it`s hard, but please just be patient for a while longer. Love her from a distance if neccessary, but just hang on in there! Please let me know how it goes, My thoughts and Prayers are with you Both. Love and Best Wishes, Heather xx
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