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She treats me nice one minute and ignores me the next...move on or what?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 June 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 21 June 2007)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey, i am in a quite a hurtful situation and need some other help. My G/f of 4 years and I went on a break at her request. However i feel this break is a break up as she has no desire to get back with me anytime soon. I can accept this but she is giving me really mixed signals. She is telling me she loves me and misses me like hell one minute then the next she is ignoring me and treating me as if we never had anything together. It really is getting me down and confised to say the least, i stay and try and work at things atleast as her friend or do i just move on with my own life, any advice is really welcome

View related questions: a break, move on, no desire

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007):

You are incredibly young, and I imagine she is also. That has a lot to do with it. It takes men and women to get into their 30's nowadays before they can really settle down and enjoy the intimacy of a committed relationship. With that said, that doesn't mean you're doomed. But, it might make sense to consider your alternatives.

It sounds hard because you're just as comfortable being uncomfortable with her as she is with you. But, believe me when I tell you this: the only way to really know is to let go and see if it returns. If it returns, that's a good sign. If it returns stronger, then bingo! She's the one. If it returns and it's the same shit -- then you're simply like the 50% of the married population headed for divorce.

The thing to do before you do anything is picture your life without her. And then deal with that. Once you can actually do that without considering jumping off a building or being in a state of incessant misery, you should approach her with a short list of things that you absolutely need to talk about. The biggies. And then simply see how receptive she is about being forthcoming. If she shuts down, or shuts you out, then you need to consider moving on, at least for a while to tempt fate. But know full well that you can't bluff your way outta of this. That's a loser's proposition for sure. Whatever chance you get to be real about whatever, you've absolutely gotta be real about whatever. Otherwise, you will regret it for the rest of your life. That much I guarantee you.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Sincere_07 United Kingdom +, writes (9 June 2007):

The only way this situation can be resolved is by spending sometime apart. Your girlfriend is obviously very confused at the moment and is unsure what she wants.

I am not saying to get on with your life and leave her to it because it may be that she just needs a little alone time to discover herself.

Four years is along time and she may still be attached to the comfort of you, and yes she is going to miss you, you have been a constant in her life for four years.

I strongly suggest you talk to her about this break and let her know that this is not just about her you have a life to. Only she can tell you if she still loves you or not and are you really prepared to wait around for her to decided she doesn't love you anymore?

Is moving on something you can do? It is horrible when you find that your partner has grown away from you, but if she is indecisive about the relationship and treats you this way do you really want to wait? or just make it easier by calling it a day?

Being friends is something that could happen but not for a while you need to fully recover from one another and this relationship before getting yourselves into another one. Friendship is still a very strong feeling related relationship you have to ask yourself could you ever just be friends with her? can you see yourself being ok with seeing her with someone else?

Please look at this from both sides there could be a genuine reason as to why she is feeling this way and only one possibility is that she has grown apart from you. Have a conversation with her about this and make her listen to your side as well. You need closure, this situation needs to end for you to seperate or get back together.

If it is that she is not prepared to discuss it with you then clearly you need to cut your losses. Do not wait around for someone who is not considering your feelings during such a hard time.

BEWARE - being friends could lead to more hurt so ensure you are strong enough before you agree to stay friends.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom +, writes (9 June 2007):

kenny agony auntIt sounds like your girlfriend dosen't know whether she is coming or going at the moment, one minute she wants you and misses you, the next she dosen't want to know.

Why don't you suggest splitting up for a month or two so you can both go away and think about what the pair of you really want. It will give you both some breathing space to do some serious thinking and will be a make or break in your relationship.

Good luck

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A male reader, honeyross United Kingdom +, writes (9 June 2007):

honeyross agony auntTo me it looks as if she is wanting to move on. If she loved you she wouldn't be behaving in this way. "Where there is doubt, there is no doubt".

She probably isn't lying when she says she misses you and is then cold to you. This is pretty normal when someone is moving on - they want to break up, but leaving someone they've been with for so long is painful so they cling to the secure emotions as a comfort.

This doesn't mean she should be treating you in this way, however - as someone to 'play with'. Your feelings are important too - there's nothing worse than being manipulated at someone else's whim.

Perhaps you should talk to her about this (but it's damn hard), or be kind to yourself and don't allow her to keep messing with your head.

Sorry - I'm basing my answer on limited information. Good luck, mate!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

Hi hun,

its not nice to get mixed signals, Sweetheart if you do want to remain friends with her then just leave it for awhile. Dont let her mess you around in this way, its no good for your health. She finished with you and that is upsetting in itself for you, you need to do some you stuff and relax and if she realises she has made a mistake that will give her some time to realise it, then maybe you to can sort out your differences good luck hunny xxx

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