A
male
age
51-59,
*oompsy
writes:My wife and I have been together for 24 years. We started dating when I was 14 and she was 18 (I lied about my age for four months). We dated for almost a year before she became interested in another guy. I waited around while she dated this guy for quite a while seeing her myself for the entire time. We never really stopped seeing each other anytime she met a new guy.Over the next couple of years this happened again with another guy. I loved her very very much and again waited. With the second guy I lived with her and her parents, her boyfriend would sleep in the room with her five feet from me. Both times this happened it would last for a couple of months and then we would be back together. These were the only two times that we were officially broken up. There were other times that she would see a new guy and I would sometimes catch her doing so. This went on for almost three years. I knew that she had slept with three or four guys while we were dating.She got pregnant when I was 17 and we had our first baby when I was 18. Things seemed to slow down in a big way after that. It didn't stop but slowed down. Over the next two years I new of a couple of times that this kind of happened again but was only sure about two. She didn't treat me very good and one day I snapped and left her. I did and do love her very much and even though we were broken up I continued to see and sleep with her very often. Five months after I left her she got pregnant again. We got back together and I don't think anything has happened since. Over the past sixteen years she has come clean with many things. The problem that I have is that she has told me things and they are small details. I don't believe her on a lot of the things that she tells me. I don't trust her. I always get "I don't really remember" or I hated it. I feel like if I don't get to the bottom of these things that I can't trust her in just everyday conversation. When she tells me that she finds me attractive, or when she says that she thinks I am the best that she has ever had. These things haunt me. The things that she has admitted I can put to bed so to speak if I believe the details. It's the details that I believe she is hiding are the reasons for my distrust.I have done pretty much the exact same things almost to a T when it comes to other women. Pretty much all of them were either in retaliation or the timing was the same. Is my distrust for her my own doing? Is it because of the things that I hold inside? She doesn't want any details and I am afraid to tell her anyway because she makes comments like "if I were to find out that you did something other than what you have told me I would get you back". Then when she calms down she says "I would never do that I am just saying that to hurt you when I am hurt".I feel sometimes like she loves me as a friend and not a husband. I love her so much I wouldn't be able to breath if I didn't have her. I am always depressed and bug her constantly about the past. It's not about the past though, it's about the present. I need to know that she loves me and wants me and I need to believe her when she tells me that she does. For now it's hard to.
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female
reader, Nevalearn  +, writes (16 September 2007):
Wow, what were you guys thinking. You set the standard pretty early on. Would she be interested in getting some marriage councelling just for your trust issues?
To me it sounds like she does want to be with you and love you but somewhere early on you guys lost respect for each other. You need to rebuild this. Trust and respect are just as important as love. If you can't get that back you are fighting a losing battle.
Sometimes love is not enough.
If you can work through your problems why not ask her to marry you again and renew your vows, sounds crazy, but you sound like you need a fresh start. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Your emotional need to have an honest open relationship is being denied to you. Only you know why you stay if you are unhappy. If your wife has been a consistent liar, you have only that to trust. Either accept that your wife will always have secrets in the past and that she will always come home to you, or accept that your wife will always have secrets in the past and she will always come home to you but you are unable to live happily with this and leave. Make a decision based on who you are, what you need, and how you will be happy long term and stick to it. Don’t let life pass you by sitting in the middle of the fence. Be brave and do what you need to do to be happy.
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