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male
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*ich71
writes: My g/f and I have been together for 3 months and she is going through a divorce and has some pretty heavy worries going on right now.I certain that we have a good bond between us and she told me only a couple of days ago that she loved me and that if I were not in her life there would be a big gap.Today we went out for lunch and she told me that she is feeling somewhat smothered by me and that she needs some space to handle some of the stuff going on in her life. I understand this as I do like to hold her hand and kiss her and in the last few days she has been less and less inclined to do so and I have found myself pushing a little harder than usual.I do not want to lose her as I know that I am in love with her. So, the deal is that I am not quite sure where to go from here. As she has asked me for more space I am not sure what is acceptable to her.Do I consider myself dumped and walk away from her or do I pretty much just leave her alone apart from an occasional note or message telling her that I love her? Maybe you have other ideas?
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male
reader, rich71 +, writes (29 April 2006):
rich71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update...Yesterday afternoon, after my last post, she IM'd me for a coffee as we work in the same building. We didnt really talk too deeply, just simply had coffee and I asked her if our plan for the weekend - which was simply that she would take my daughter of 2.5yrs shopping - was still on.She said yes, and that she would meet us at the train station. As it had originally been planned as time for the two of them to get to know each other better, I was quite pleased. At the same time, I found myself putting some distance between us. I said that while they were shopping, I would go to the cinema and do some stuff for myself. I'm not sure why, but I felt really relaxed as I think, deep down, I realise that she just needs some space to deal with some heavy stuff. As well as her current divorce situation which is dragging on, one of her close male friends made a pass at her recently and she rejected him and he has been incessantly calling her.So, I think the upshot is that I overreacted. As I type this, I am feeling quite content with the situation, realising that I havent been dumped but that she really does just need some space.I am taking this time to sort some stuff out in my life including an impending move of apartments, a small financial problem, and catching up with friends that I've neglected recently.Much ado about nothing? I'm still not 100% sure, but she will be getting all the space she needs for a while.
A
male
reader, rich71 +, writes (28 April 2006):
rich71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice from both of you so much, thanks!
The hard part here is the "stepping back" part. I feel a sense of loss, and even though I may not have lost her, it is difficult to imagine not seeing her and not spending time with her. However, I realise that this is MY problem and that forcing myself on her is not a solution to it. Still, it will be an uphill battle (it already is) but if there is the hope of a future for us, I must do it!
So here I go... grit the teeth, get on with my life, and try and stay realistic.
Terrifying!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 Step back and give this lady some space to sort out her life. I have a friend in the same situation and he gave his girlfriend time to deal with the custody of the kids, legal fights over property etc. Divorce is very stressful sometimes, and it reminds this lady that she has a failed relationship. She may not be ready to jump back into the fire just yet...you don't sound dumped, she is just asking for some time to deal with her problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): I think she likes you but your feelings for her,indeed, making her feel 'smothered' or she wouldn't be backing off. You love her but she's not there yet, herself. Because, when a woman connects deeply with a man, the last thing she does, is ask for space. Also, she is still dealing with issues, feelings and baggage from her marriage break up. If I were you, I would pull back and respectfully give her that space, she has asked for. Write her a note, occasionally (once per week or even less) asking her how she's doing. Don't overdo the "loving gesture and words". Just tell her what you've been doing and keep the note, friendly and light hearted. If she doesn't reply or makes overtures to see you...then you'll have your answer. Learn to discern her behaviours and think rationally. Don't permit yourself to get blindsided with love here. So many people do that. If she doesn't seem interested and is not making attempts to see you...then accept this and move on. You will know. I am sorry you are going through these feelings of self-doubt and fears. It sounds like you have given her your intimate self, your heart. Therefore, your heart still has an allegiance to her. Many of us, are not built to easily jump relationships. This is just the human way. Good luck and be strong.
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