A
male
age
30-35,
*oviefan
writes:I had been hurt by my ex and she went back to her ex and really hurt me. She promised me that she wouldnt hurt me again, and because of how i felt i wanted to beleive it and i did. But she went back to him. And on top of that he was and still is an abuser and a user. He actually sent messages to me harrasing me saying. I have what you want and im using her more or less but in more hateful hurtfull wording. I gave these to her.But she still stayed with him.Completely destroying me emotionally, i went into a bad phase. I was in what i like to call the "I hate the world" phase. And i had been out of this for a while and well she has made it clear that after her boyfriend jumped town after getting her pregnant. She still has feeling for me but up until recently i had ignored her existance for a few months because i still got upset by seeing her.Well i have been trying to talk to her but it seems that there is still most of the time a invisible barrier on my part that keeps things hard and makes it so i cant talk to her in person, at least not well. Some days i just look at her and then end up looking into space, and ignore her some more without meaning it. Im still hurt by what she did to me and even tho i want to move on and try to have a relationship with her my emotional scars related to her wont seem to heal even after months of trying to heal them. Do you have any tips for healing this. Im out of ideas except for my last one which was to ask her to start conversations more often in hopes of making me open up to her again. I still have yet see if this will work.I dont know if its the best thing for me to get with her because she is pregnant and all. But i cant seem to fully get over her and i want to try again because i care about her. I am grateful for any help you can give me.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Glad to hear you're doing better. Sometimes you have to let those who are lost be lost and potentially find their way. With those folks, there's really nothing in our power to change their way. They have to learn themselves.
Take Care.
A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (9 February 2008):
Moviefan is verified as being by the original poster of the question I figured some of you might want to know this but she took her ex back after he abandoned her. He came back. I heard this from a friend who about lost it when she heard this. I guess its true that people who enjoy making others misreable will end up coming back. I think at this point she will never learn. And i am actually feeling a lot better lately again. But yeah thanks again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): You made the right move.
This girl needs a lot more of her life ruined before she'll wise up. You can't fix that or even slow down the progression of it no matter how much you care about her.
You have to worry about your own self too. Sometimes being "fair" and helpful to someone you care about begins to get unfair and hurtful to yourself. That's not right. And anyone who really cares about you the same way would understand that.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (6 February 2008):
Moviefan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone i have made a lot of posts over time dealing with this. And yeah i have been having major doughts about having a relationship with her lately like one of you picked up on, my mind keeps putting up walls to stop her from hurting me i guess because i fear being hurt again. I wish i never fealt like this for her.
I really loved her but it will probably never work because of all of these mental barriers that keep popping up. And the last thing i was going to try well didnt work, it still made talking very akward. I dont want to move on and yet part of me knows that this is the only possibility because things will never be the same now that she has scared me. And because of this she seems to not like to talk to me much because of how i do. But her friends have even told me she has shot down another guy for me but if we cant even talk how could things ever work.
I still dont know if what im doing is right but i know that things will never work if we did get together at least not without time. So i think i will have to move on, i almost did before but then i got pulled in again.
i cant thank you enought i just wish this situation would of unraveled in a more positive way for the both of us.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 You need to forgive her and not to hold any grudges or hate inside your heart for her. Bless her and move on. She has made her choice. For good or bad, she is the one who will receive her dues.
She does not want to be in the same boat with you and you need to respect her decisions.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hi,
what a tragic story.
While I really feel for your ex , and she is a victim here, it still doesn't mean you should get back with her.
For a start you will have to bring up a child fathered by a man who is an abuser, that child will act as a constant reminder of this monster. Moreove, he will most likely come back on the scene at some stage - these types always do - they cant resist ruining people's lives.
Secondly, she could never commit to you in the first place, now she is absolutely desperate and you are probably the only person she can turn to. But if you get together and things turn nice and cosy - will she get bored of her nice guy and look elsewhere again for more thrills?
Its a hard call, but really you know you can't hook up with her, try and give it some time and you could always be there for her as a friend in the future. Anything closer than this and I feel you are just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 February 2008):
I would say, Its not the best thing for you to get back with her. She kept leaving you for someone else, then coming back. WHY? If she was prepared (emotionally) to have a long term relationship with you, she wouldn't have left you in the first place for that (i would say piece of crap, but I think that word is not enough to give proper display to who he is).
You're not going to open up to her. Do you think it's by choice? It's not. Your brain recognizes the places you shouldn't go because of her actions. It automatically triggers a flag and puts up an emotional block, like a force field protecting you from the possability of her causing pain.
Now, with him writing you. Did you keep the messages? If not, I would from now on. His messages would not only prove harrasment toward you, and quite possiably information to help her if he tried to get custody. I can almost guarantee, with his behavior, he's going to at some point develop a head that's too big for his own good and there will be a legal battle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Wow you sounds like youve got a handful. Its hard to get over someone you love. As for the abusing she prolly just sees the love and dont realize hes abusing her til after the fact... its a common thing... or she might think its something normal, bc after you get treated like that for some time unfortunatly you get used to it. I say you cant help who you love so if you love her and care about her and if she honestly feels the same and just doesnt want someone that shell no will stick around to be a father figure for the baby. Id say shes a little bit torn between the two of you. She loves her ex and is having a tough time getting over him but at the same time she wants to start over new with you. If you do decide to get back together just set some rules. Say if you really truely want this to work you need to be with me not him. or something along those lines. And be understanding of her situation, not only can you be her b/f u have to just be a friend that will listen as well. And if something bothers you, you need to talk about it with her...
ok well i hope i helped... take care and good luck.
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