A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Relationship Profile:Our finances are slightly different now, I got a mediocre career,I had to quit my job a year before and looking for a job RN and she has a very good career and very good earning. She is also very ambitious/competitive but aimless.Also says she is happy with my career and earnings.I have never been married and I am in my mid thirties, she is in her early thirties got a divorce before 3 years and have a child from that marriage and also there are some legal concerns that are not ended about former marriage.(not the ex-husband thing or child support)She is kinda very jealous person but in addition she tries to camuflage her jealousy feelings and sometimes says "you dont know but I am very jealous person"My gut and feelings:When it comes to doing something together or my choices appear, it seems like she is not interested, she has something to do rather than mine or she has no time because of her child, "mom's women day" or weekly shopping. Or she insists or gets what she wants and says "oh sorry" or "if you have told, we had not done that"She is an outgoing person and wants to travel even I have some health issues and psychologically exhausted and financially downsize.We had some arguments during my health issue days. She insists in daily little things and going out or having a trip though she tells that she is concerned about my health and she loves me.I feel like she is a very controlling person or she always thinks about herself, her rightfulness but not the solving. Or I feel like I am not her priority, and maybe not her priority as deep as she is for me.She is usually very bad tempered and have anger problems after work and calms down with me. But she also gets angry with me and says everything comes to her mouth when I have to tell about my feelings and something that I dont want her to do or I have to criticise her. We end subjects but she is happy when she is right or she gets the medal.I have some questions:1-Does she love me? 2-What is the solution and what is her situation(neutral) or problem (negative)?
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ambition, divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs there any suggestions after the update?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. They were very helpful.But also...
MORE AND MORE
I think it is my belief that: if thoughts, words and actions are persistent, one's life is persistent. In all my life I lived that way and I want to live it that way. I should reconsider that, "some people are not like me". Of course I love and care more about people, who have similar point of view for life.
She sometimes changes words, sentences and meaning of what she has said in order to make sense or be right at the moment of argument or even in a daily happy conversation. This makes me very annoyed and paranoid about if she is a liar/manipulative or she is controlling. Because if she changes words and conceal real events or his actions how can I trust her when she is at work, traveling or at home or our past relationship life and sex choices . I think telling lies is about being full of fear, anger, hate. I think telling lies is about not getting the responsibility of your actions, thoughts or words. Maybe I need some links or link proofs to what I should know about her. Do you have suggestions?
I am so very confused because I am feeling these right now ( she is controlling, bad tempered, anger problems, abusing) maybe I need some time to proove them to myself but it is very hard when dealing with all of these stuff in my life.(actually my health, finances and psychology are not at their worst in one's life, but I prefer to make things done with my significant other's support and I know this is going to make us "know and understand each one better and may be an opportunity for a lifelong happy closeness" but we can't right now)
I cannot understand if she is outgoing or she has another issue with staying at home or living without moving or talking that much :) (I like talkative and cheerful woman by the way). I want and need to a bit homebody in these days because of my health and finances. But I am also a homebody and like to go outside fifty fifty. I sometimes think "she constantly needs to change her mind" and going out or traveling to somewhere changes her mind in a way and she inherently does that.
I think she maybe not taking her own responsibility and life belongings completely. (her managerial position, child, divorce's legal concerns. ) I sometimes see her in my mind like an unconscious atom which doesn't know exactly where to go, what to do.
NOW THE GOOD ONES:
Actually we fell in love and like to be with each other so much in first months -as always- (I had my job and finances were good) of our relationship (1,5 year now) and went to several distances and places in and outside our country although my finances are getting low and low. (By the way %60 me, %40 her ). She helped me with money in my life and travels when I got jobless. She lend me some money and paid %40,%60 from that time and we traveled more. After I was sure that if I don't say "no" to her travel offerings we will go somewhere again then I told her that "I am gonna stop spending for luxury and travel, I am gonna focus on job search and will do minimum finances." Then after she made some persuasion moves she insisted in going journey in different ways but we have argued and stayed but she made that holiday very stressed and awful. Then my health situations rised.(I don't blame her.)
She is full of life. Talks too much, happy and excited, glowing eyes and cheery. She is naive, wants to show herself like a powerful woman but emotional backside. Actually I like her mind's presence of spirituality and emotions rather than her powerful image. She has a desire to develop/renew her inner self and personality. She is a cultured woman and has vision in life. Our family culture and socio-economic backgrounds are the same. We have close education life and we were able to share some multimedia and cognitive things. We still have a good sex life.
THREE MORE OBSERVATIONS: After all these situations, now she started to travel herself because of her job. She was traveling when we met but she has a great desire for that and she says she would be happy for a position outside the country (she started to say and ask my opinion sneakingly; that was when we are five months) . Also she is traveling with her family if I can't/don't participate.
She sounds also looking forward to marry me although we told each other that we don't want to and care to marry in our lives right now(at the very beginning) but shared some good emotions and dreamed of our house, children and future life in some moments of our relationship. She likes to make jokes like "oo there you have the ring that time" or "is that a proposal" for everything I propose then it became to "I changed my password to a very nice day darling, look our wedding day". But I ended this joke after she made a joke like "men always cheat about their health when things come to marriage, come on get up you boy".
In the last 3 months,obviously things did not go smooth. I feel but I just feel that she doesn't care about relationship, me and our happy moments as much as before. I am not so happy with my life also but I feel like she doesnt want to make anything more or creative about it when I am a bit off. I still care about relationship and I am trying to define or fix things in a way. Maybe our chemicals gone out at the same time with the unpleasant days but at past and nearly present I cared about her feelings about divorce, her child and job with compassion, love and patience like a good responsible husband.I didnt do them for return but now I feel a bit alone,you know!
I am so confused..:)) What kind of a person is she?
Do you think we are compatible?
Do you think we may have a deep loving, long living happy relationship?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Thank you for the question.
The bottom line is that I think you two are not compatible.
She is outgoing and wants to travel but you seem to want to be a bit of a homebody. Those two things don’t work well together.
SAYING you love a person is not the same as actually loving them. My current husband loves me more than any other man has ever loved me. He tells me “I love you” less than anyone ever has.. but his ACTIONS tell me 100% that he loves me so I don’t question it at all. Actions truly do speak louder than words here.
If she is controlling, if she is bad tempered and has anger issues and is abusive to you (and abuse can be verbal, mental or emotional it does not have to mean she hits you), then I think it’s in your best interest to end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (17 December 2013):
 It seems like she isn't very stable as a person and is self-involved. You have said that she doesn't consider you/your health/your thoughts in anything that you do.From the way you're presenting things, it seems as if you've already made up your mind and are too scared to admit it: you're sick of it. I don't blame you. Conceited people are difficult to live with and probably has something to do with her previous marriage ending. Worry more about yourself and your health problems. Best wishes to you on that, by the way.If you aren't her priority, don't make her yours. She should realize that no one can be right all the time and being told that you are constantly (even if you aren't) is unhealthy and can develop itself into narcissism. You definitely do not want to deal with a narcissist- yikes.If you are willing to, couples therapy could probably benefit you, and I would look into that. However, from my perspective, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship and I, personally, would not take part in it.I hope this helped, and wish you the best of luck.
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