A
male
age
30-35,
*lackyy
writes:Hi everyone. I'm a male, 20 years old. I need some serious help. I've been with my girlfriend (we got engaged recently) for almost 3.5 years now, and we have had a great relationship. I love her to death, she loves me, and everything was fine until about 6 months ago. My girlfriend has been raped in the past, and has always found sexual abuse a really serious problem. When we first met I told her that I never watched porn, and that I was really disgusted by the whole thing. A few months ago she found porn on my computer and questioned me about it, and me, being the idiot that I am, lied to her about it and told her that it wasn't mine. She believed me until she found it again, a month or two later. We had a huge argument, she was -very- hurt by it, and lost a lot of trust in me. She told me to stop watching it. I was really hurt as well because I HATE to see her sad, and even more so--I hate to hurt her. So I tried SO hard to not watch porn. I didn't for about 2 weeks, but after that I gave into temptation and started up my bad habit again.Now, yesterday she discovered porn on my computer again, and she is absolutely crushed. She is takling about taking a break from this relationship, possibly breaking up with me, and if we do stay together I really don't think she will trust me anymore. I love her with all my heart, and I NEED her in my life. She's my best friend and really the only person I ever want to be with. Please give me some help, tell me what to do to make things right with her.
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a break, best friend, crush, engaged, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Please understand Porn is big time curse and has huge attraction to consume your manly hood through masterbation and rough thoughts of breaking into sexual innuendos. There is no beauty in watching porn, its purely made to lure young minds into spending hours on websites while their owners make money for per click and advertising. Its extremely damaging to humanity and should be banned. So please respect your natural relationship, respect and love your wife, adopt healthy and positive thinking, be mature... learn to be honest and love you life.
May God help us fight this evil.
Regards
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): Please understand Porn is big time curse and has huge attraction to consume your manly hood through masterbation and rough thoughts of breaking into sexual innuendos. There is no beauty in watching porn, its purely made to lure young minds into spending hours on websites while their owners make money for per click and advertising. Its extremely damaging to humanity and should be banned. So please respect your natural relationship, respect and love your wife, adopt healthy and positive thinking, be mature... learn to be honest and love you life.
May God help us fight this evil.
Regards
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): My husband of 22 years promised me before we got married there would be no porn. Since then I have found him watching it on our computer more than 3 times and also buying a video to see if it would help him.The last time was in January when he checked to see if I was still asleep and went downstairs to his other office to watch porn. I happened to be awake and went down to apologise for being rude the night before. What a shock I got!!! It has caused a huge rift in our marriage and my trust and everything else in him is in jeopardy. I feel hurt, disgusted, not attractive (I am in my mid 40's but look about 28). I just keep seeing the visions over and over!
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reader, SolvingSally  +, writes (18 February 2009):
Hi,You need to think how much you love her, what is more important watching porn or your girlfriend that you love and need so much? Imagine losing your girlfriend... If you love her that much then you will stop watching the porn and your girlfriend will feel much better and proud of you. Think about it... Porn or you girlfriend who means the world to you?Sally x
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reader, blackyy +, writes (18 February 2009):
blackyy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone--
Thanks for all of your advice and help. I've decided what to do. I will delete all the porn I have, and suck it up. I can't lose my fiance over this.
damluvaam, thanks for your advice, especially. You are right... Why should I continue to hurt her if I love her. I won't anymore. I think it will be hard at first, but I'll force it to work.
I really hope she will give me another chance. She's the only person I want, and she really is my dream girl. I wish I could relive everything over again, but I know that isn't possible =/
Thank you all, again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): I like gumbbo's suggestion a lot... LOL
Of course, honesty is the best policy, but when it comes to women and pornography, you need some big excuses to stop the arguments and the hurt. You can tell her the truth, that pornography is fun and makes you feel sexy, but then she'll feel inadequate and cry all day. Try the excuses gumbbo has suggested, make sure that you never forget the story you have told, and hopefully she'll forgive you and understand and just put it down to your tramautic upbringing.
PS: This will also help, if you ever get tempted to look again, this excuse will probably work forever. Sure it's nice to tell the truth, but some women can't accept the truth, because they want men to be just like them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): I may be insensitive here, but I don't see what the big deal is with porn. Many watch it just for the visual stimulation to aid in the masturbation process. So long as you don't watch it till the point where you start fantasizing about the porn stars when you're with your girl, that's fine.I'm going to get flamed for this. But you are 20 years old. I doubt I can find ANY 20 year old male who does not watch porn. Girls who believe that their bfs don't watch porn are just delusional. They may really not watch any, but for sure they would look at magazines or pictures on the internet or what not, and is that really any different from watching porn?You hurt her not exactly by watching porn, but because you are not smart enough to hide it from her. Delete your files from now on, watch online streaming porn instead of downloading them, then delete your history etc. A little bit of porn is healthy, too much though it becomes poisonous. So long as you don't adopt the attitudes that most porn convey, ie, degrading and objectifying women, and continue to give your gf your utmost respect and don't have unrealistic expectations from her because the porn stars are doing it, then you're okay. Now if you're planning on marrying this girl, then I suggest you cut your load little by little. Because eventually if you two live together, you will have to stop. But by then you get to see her everyday and watching porn may no longer be a necessity. PS. Many have said that once they have stopped watching porn, their sex lives with their gfs have greatly improved. Something to think about.
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reader, shaashiie +, writes (18 February 2009):
 Um, what that gumbbo said is totally stupid. If you want to lose your girl forever, go ahead and follow his advice and lie AGAIN. If you truly love her you wouldn't pull bullshit like that. You either have to stop watching the porn and stop lying or continue watching the porn and deal with hurting her even more every time you do it or just choose porn and leave the relationship. Every relationship has its boundaries and she's laid them out for you and you overstepped them many, many times. She may forgive you, but it's going to take time. My boyfriend did the same thing to me, he lied about watching porn for 3 years, I'm also the same age as you so our situation is pretty similar. It hurt SOOOOO bad to find out he had lied for so long. I found out about this back in July and I just started trusting him again a few months ago. I love him, so I decided to make work. He has stopped watching it (and no, he doesn't just hide it from me, believe me, he doesn't watch it) and our sex life is a million bajillion times better too. He focuses on me and what makes me feel good instead of fantasizing about women on his computer. When I first found out I thought "that's it, I'm done with him forever" just like your girlfriend is probably thinking, but doesn't want to say. But I stuck through it, and it's made us closer. So to answer your question about how you can make things right with her: you're going to have to stop watching it. I guess that sucks for you to hear, but would you rather have your fiancee or these random, fake women on your computer? The choice shouldn't be a hard one. It's also going to take a while for her to trust you again. Don't lie about why you watched it. She's also never going to see you the same way again. I know even though my relationship with my boyfriend is better now, I will never see him the same again. I used to think he only had eyes for me, and I was so wrong. That still hurts really badly sometimes, and the fact that he lied still hurts too. She'll feel better eventually. And by the way, a MAJORLY high percentage of women in porn were sexually abused just like your girlfriend. Think about that next time you're tempted to watch and you want to get pleasure from what girls with extremely low self esteem feel they have to do to be wanted, girls who have gone through the same stuff as your girlfriend. Maybe that will change your mind.
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reader, bittersweetchicka +, writes (18 February 2009):
Ok, I can relate too this on her side - I was* married and yes my husband lied over several times on having porn on his computer- notice I said I said I am divorced..
You are suppose to love and respect one anouther, telling fibs is not either of those!!!!
How would you feel is she did the same or worse?
My advice is get marraige counseling, make no false promises otherwise she will relize her husband has no respect for her or himself!!! I left my ex- the guy I am with has nothing but respect 4 me and himself, I have never once looked back! So if you want that for her, keep doing what your doing looking at porn, lying & having lack of respect for yourself and her.....
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reader, gumbbo +, writes (18 February 2009):
Tell her you watch it out of curiosity. Say "you know what because it's such i big deal to you it just made it the forbidden fruit, i felt naughty watching it, i wanted to see what the big fuss was about. Also my friends are always talking about it and i feel like i don't fit in, so sometimes watch it so i can say 'yeah i've seen some too'". Tell her what you said on here, about her being your best friend etc. Or you could really nip it in the butt for good! This is the last resort. Make some bull up about how you didn't want to tell her, but here goes, (say it like you're totally mortified to have to confess but... "i'm really insecure about my penis, i have been since i was really young, please don't tell anyone, you are the only one i could ever tell this too, but i had something wrong with me when i was little, it didn't grow properly till i reached puberty and the other boys made fun of me, my mom took me to the doctors and they said if it didn't correct itself when i reached puberty i would have to undergo treatment. When i watch the porn it appease my insecurities. I found a porn magazine years ago and saw the mens penises, i cryed because i thought i would be deformed for ever and never get a girl. When i see the other men now in the porn, it makes me feel really secure, because i did grow out of it although occassionally i get a little insecure. This is the hardest (lol no pun intended) thing i have ever told anyone [at this point try to cry a bit]. So yeah when i watch the porn it's not about dirty sex, just about confirming that i'm ok now and that i could get a women, better still a lady, i got you" [get chocked up at this point and pretend you are holding back the tears] "i wont watch it again, i don't give a shit about it, it was just one of those stupid things. Please don't tell anyone this"Desperate times call for desperate measures!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Well this really is simple, stop looking at porn. You knew her rules when it came to porn, so you got to obey them if you want to be with her. A lot of people may say, it's her problem as looking at porn is normal, well that's very fair but your girlfriend dosen't like it so like I said before, don't do it again.
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A
female
reader, KoryAresipyGalz +, writes (18 February 2009):
Wow this is very similar problems i have with my present relationship with my boyfriend. You have to understand what pain and feeling your girl is going through because raped and being abused by it damaged inner feeling to trust in sexual intercourse again. All guys do have temptation problems to avoiding anything that would harm our emotions. To making things right with her try find something you two enjoy doing outgoing entertainment so that she can trust you and that you wouldn't have to worry about arguement again with Porn situation it is very sensetive emotion for women to feel. I have felt the same way and had a arguement with him about porn and him doing something while he was watching. It very hurtful for us but hope that you find other ways to avoid spent time with hertry outgoing thing if she is ur true love soul mate try find changes to make her trust you again like what my present relationship is doing now. I hope my answer can help you :)
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