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She didn't tell me she cheated but says I should just "let it go" and I can't!

Tagged as: Cheating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 June 2009) 14 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2009)
A male United States age 22-25, *rax writes:

so, i just found out by looking through my friends phone that my fiancee of just over 2 years had made out with her "best friend" an ex bf i might add. When i called her out on it she said she was going to tell me "eventually" and said it was only 5-10 seconds long and then she realized that she messed up.

am i the only one that thinks 5-10 seconds is a bit excessive for a make out in this situation? that's a long time...

today she told me i just need to "let it go" and forget it happened.. how am i supposed to freaking do that?! she gets mad when i bring it up to talk about it and ask why.

she says it meant nothing and never will but i can't help but think she's lying to me.

i just don't know what to do, i really am deeply in love with her but i don't know if she feels the same, especially since she can kiss someone like that, oh and by the way 5-10 seconds of make out is all i get in a month or so, so this may be why I'm upset.

when i over-analyze it i just want to leave her because it leaves me feeling empty and broken, but at the same time i DO love her and want to marry her. i don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not. she doesn't want me to talk about it to my friend who has always given me good advice. i just don't know what to do. she also lied to my face the night before i found out because i had a hunch and i asked her if anything happened and she said "I never cheated on you, I would never think about cheating on you, and I never want to cheat on you." i just don't know what to do about it, and i can barely live my own life since i found out, I'm hardly eating or sleeping, and my work is being affected by it. I just need help..

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A male reader, Tbonex United States +, writes (29 August 2009):

Tbonex agony auntMy oh my, sounds like a sad situation. It is messed up that she would do something like that behind your back and lie about or she probably lied when she said she was going to tell you. Many women are bad natured and the thought of doing something bad drives them. It's true. Sure, men do things, but when it comes to women, it can be ten times worse. Thats just the way it is. If she is going to continue to be dishonest with you(if she is); then please reconsider this person you can do better if this keeps up.

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A male reader, Your friend Australia +, writes (26 July 2009):

Your friend agony auntNot good news Trax, I know you were really pissed off but life does come back to repay us for all we have done.

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A male reader, Trax United States +, writes (25 July 2009):

Trax is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Trax agony auntso, i was just curious, but is it normal that i feel almost completely better now that i beat the living hell out of the kid?

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A male reader, Your friend Australia +, writes (22 July 2009):

Your friend agony auntI have trouble trusting a 'friend' that tells you all this stuff about what she did, it doesn't sound right for a friend to stir you up like that. You have two choices, you can dump her and move on and start again or you can let this ride and accept that the details and facts are unclear but that something did happen and keep an eye on the relationship but if doing this is still going to eat you up then leave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

Multiple times....felt her up...well that makes more sense that the "10-15sec, only happened once" bs your fiance said imo. Then her friend changed what she said the next day .. I would say that your fiance told this friend to say she was lying since you called your fiance out on it.

Least to say, sounds like your fiance has been cheating on you multiple times. Not to mention she has been unwilling to deal with any of this...kick her out of your life asap.

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A male reader, Trax United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

Trax is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Trax agony auntso, i recently was talking to her best friend about it. (not the one she made out with bc if i ever see him im gonna smash his face) but her friend told me that she had known about it too. and apparently on this occasion he had felt her up which she hadn't told me, she had in fact told me quite the opposite, and i also heard that they had made out multiple times, when i found out i of course was very irate and called my fiancee out on it and she denied it happening more than once, but when i had talked to the friend she had told me specific times and places they had talked about her cheating on me. then all of a sudden the next day her friend texts me saying she was wrong and it only happened once. i want to believe my fiancee saying it was only once, because i can forgive that but if it was multiple times i need to kick her ass out of my life. i just dont know who to believe.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009):

"I never cheated on you, I would never think about cheating on you, and I never want to cheat on you" lies, lies and more lies. if you can put up with her lies then go for it. her true colours will be revealed, but by then you would have lost so much more. are you willing to wait that long. well trax, you have accepted her unfaithfulness and you need to live with the consequences. if you want a cheater, she is there with you. "let it go"- she is dictating the terms of your relationship. and the terms say it's ok to cheat.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009):

In the end its your choice of course and what you want. We wont be able to help you deal with the feeling of hurt but I would say to talk to your best friend some more if you want to be able to cope with it and stay with your gf. Yes everyone makes mistakes but that does not mean you have to put up with it. Everyday bad things happen (not necessarily relationship-wise) , and we all strive to make our lives better and learn from the mistakes so they won't happen again.

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A male reader, Trax United States +, writes (29 June 2009):

Trax is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Trax agony auntso, for the most part things are better, but she is still not willing to talk about it, i spoke to my best friend about it and she told me to break up with her, i decided not to because everybody makes mistakes right?

the only thing is, the unwillingness to talk about it is eating me up inside

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A male reader, Tbonex United States +, writes (26 June 2009):

Tbonex agony auntFirst off, it's only natural you feel badly about that as she is suppose to be with you and not that other person. The fact that she did that does say something and she should apologize for disrespecting you like that. If you two wanted an open relationship, it should have been said and done in the beginning. You don't have to leave her or anything like that, but let her know just how that made you feel and also that you wouldn't do that to her as you are commited to her and only her. Let her know straight up but remain tactful as well. I'm sure she would appreciate it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009):

Your fiance kissed another guy and expects you to forget it just like that? Show's how much she cares for how you may be feeling, her indifference makes it even worse and says a lot about the kind of person she is and what she's capable of. Get out and make it clear and sternly that her indifference is frightening and you're not gonna risk any major heartbreak by getting trapped in a marriage with someone like her.

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A male reader, worried71 United States +, writes (25 June 2009):

I would say leave her. She kissed another guy. She didn't say anything about it until you said something. That tells me she would of took it to the grave. I feel if she loved you she never would of kissed him. Besides if you where to kiss another girl would she let it go? Leave her now, before you get married and it ends up causing you more heartache and more money.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009):

Hi there dude, sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. ot the mention the situation must be very devastating. Well after reading your story I have a few things I would like to point out.

From the looks of it, you already think she was never going to tell you about her making out with her ex. This leaves a lot of room on what else she may be keeping from you. During your story you mentioned you had a "hunch". If you are having these hunches then its actually a clear signal that something ain't right.

By the way, kissing another guy, not matter of how long it was, is cheating.

But I think the biggest upset factor here is that she is unwilling to talk about it. She even tells you not to tell your best friend. In my opinion she does not care about your feelings or loves you the way you think she does. She only cares about hers and her image, in fear that people talk bad of her. While that has good reason, not talking about it with your mate is bad. There are always going to be problems, sometimes problems that far exceed your expectations , so communication is key is trying to overcome it. So hmm she surely does not sound like someone I'd hope to be married with. Now the problem here is very one sided on your part, as your are left to deal with this on your own. Thankfully you came here.

The old saying goes "actions speak louder than words". She said she'd never cheat on you and she did. And I mean you feel this bad, and she doesn't even care. Your "over analyze" seems to be your best judgment and I say go with it and leave her. What is the point in loving someone who does not love you man? The things she did and is doing...I cant say she loves you, I just cant.

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A male reader, Your friend Australia +, writes (25 June 2009):

Your friend agony auntNo doubt she did the wrong thing by you and I understand why you are so upset. Look at it this way, she kissed him but chose to stay with you, tells me that the 10 second kiss wasn't so good after all.

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