A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:guys and girls, i have a big problem. this may drag on so i apologise but im so confused i need to ask someone for advice. so please listen and give me any advice you can.i have been with my boyfriend for a while now. i love him very much but we are currently on a break because of his complicated past effecting our relationship. i want go into details but his ex girlfriend treated him VERY badly, and for 2 years plus a third year on and off, she made him very insecure.when we started talking and getting closer, he didnt tell me about his past with his ex, but i knew that he had only come out of a relationship about 4/5 months ago and he told me that he needed time to make sure he could give me all of him, and that he wanted to be sure he was ready to be in another relationship after the way she treated him. i think this was so mature of him. his maturity and honesty is one of the most amazing, attractive things about him. i completely understood what he meant and so waited for him to be sure, and obviously, we ended up officially getting together because he said he was crazy about me and he couldnt let this chance slip by. i was mad about him too. i was scared also due to my own insecurities but i decided it would be worth the risk.at the beginning it was great. he was my first real relationship and also my first sexual partner, and i love him so much, and i know how much he loves me. he really is the idea of a "perfect" guy. he tells me everyday how beautiful i am, how much he thinks about me and cares. he treats me to things and he is so dedicated to me, he would do anything for me and i know that. eventually he told me about his ex and the way she treated him, eg, steal from him, hit him, cheat, send videos of her with other men, lie to him, push him away from his friends.. and so much more. obviously i understand this is a massive thing for someone to go through, and for such a long time, too. i also see why this would make him insecure or maybe paranoid, i really do appreciate that. the problem is, im not her. and i can only take so much questioning, "who was that guy? why is he speaking to you? where are you going tonight? who with? why do you want to be on the phone to him instead of me? what were you and your friends saying earlier? was it about me? why arent you as affectionate as me? am i good enough? why wouldnt you want someone else instead of me?" and more. this is such a difficult situation to be in. i ended up saying i wanted to go on a break because i couldnt deal with constantly being questioned about things. i have very close guy friends as well as girl friends, and he needs to learn to accept that without thinking i will cheat or lust after them. so now, we are on a break, but recently ive been wondering if i want to get back with him. i know how amazing he is. i know i love him. but heres the thing. im only 18 years old. i feel that at this age, whilst im doing my exams (plus i still have another year of college and he is actually in my course :\ difficult much?) i feel as if i cant be focusing on a relationship like this. the way he was with me towards the end before i asked for a break was SO frustrating because im a private person and very friends orientated, and i like to know i can be with my guy mates and not have to worry about my boyfriend and what hes thinking. obviously i know that in most relationships, any guy/girl will sometimes wonder why their partner is so friendly with someone of the opposite sex. i dont penalise him for that at all.. its only because it became obsessive. i know its only because he cares so much, which makes this even harder for me. and he told me that he is still so insecure that he is scared of losing me to someone else. but there is only so much of the constant questioning and interrogating i can take. this is so hard for me. i really do care about him, and how he is feeling. but ive been thinking, at this time in my life, i cant afford to be distracted from my exams because im focusing more on him and the stress of our relationship.. you know? plus, this is a time of my life where i can be out, going clubbing with my friends, not feeling tied down. in a relationship i understand that sometimes, that's something you have to sacrifice. you know, going out and having "fun".. but i just feel as though i have my whole life to do that? i guess my fear is that, i dont want to end up at 30, when i cant necessarily do all those things anymore because im living as a proper adult, paying rent, or raising children, etc, and say to myself, "i wish i spent that time at 18 - 25ish going out and having fun while i could, while i had no other major committments other than college." regret is one of my biggest fears. i know that if i get back with him, it will be stressful at times and difficult which may distract me from college. and i also know that he will never be completely comfortable with me going out with my friends if he isnt there because of his insecurities which may mean i dont feel much freedom in terms of seeing friends etc.i guess what im trying to say is that.. i love him and i want to be able to help him through it all and move on from his past, however i am just 18 years old and i have more important things to be focusing on, in terms of having a future career wise. and i have my whole life to spend with a guy and deal with problems like this then. plus i want to be able to say i lived my teen years as every teen girl wants to... going out with mates and having fun! its just so difficult. i dont want him to think im giving up on him. but i need to work out what i want more. because whichever decision i choose... i have to live with. and i dont want to mess him around any longer than i have already by going on this break.ANY advice you might have, please throw my way. i know this is long and probably boring but i dont know what to do anymore.thankyou.PS. just so you know, i have told him how im feeling.. and he said he understands this but he loves me so much, he doesnt want to lose me. he is being very mature about it all, as always.. so i am being honest with him. i have agreed to tell him what i want after my exams this year.. until which i have a month. i dont want to keep him in the dark. i appreciate any advice i get. thankyou!!
View related questions:
a break, clubbing, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): Hello,
You've taken a break because his interrogations have taken there toll on your relationship. I understand he was in an abusive relationship prior to you and some off that insecurity he has taken into the relationship he has with you.
You're both young in college and you mentioned you're not certain if you want him back, but you do love him.
I'd truly only make a go of it if he's willing to compromise and try and tone down his insecurities. Maybe he's needs a counsellor to talk to about what's transpired before to help him with this.
If he's willing to listen to you, and your feelings then maybe try again. If not then stay single keep busy, and focus on school.
Good luck
;D
A
male
reader, True  +, writes (13 May 2010):
.... "Ight" is what i usualy say when i start and answer but holy crap... i can tell you now that your obviously almost on the same boat with saying how much you care about him in one parapgraph and how much you say things like questioning and interogating... so what if hes insecure JUST REASSURE HIM which in your case is hard but i sorta doubt some of the things that probualy happend in his past but dont take my words for mind.
In your case go back to him ... give him a long embrace.... say how much you love and/or missed him which is obvious that its both and since you really love him and let it take it from their and then tell him to stop doubting you but tell him how you appriciate being worried about you but also express your concern about how he may be "sufficating" you from it...
Dont worry i have a friend thaats a drama queen even though he's a guy and DANG was he a hard case but after some coaching from me and some others , he's actualy pretty much relinquished this title. SO DONT GIVE UP.
**keep this in mind**
He obviously loves you and you obviously love him
and some boyfriend may either feel left out when you go out.
And finaly he may just be curious out of worry but not of doubt but of curiousity
...............................
|
