A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm going through a terrible time right now in my mind and am not sure what to do!I am in my mid 30s. For various reasons I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 21. This has never bothered me but I have recently met the most amazing woman and this has caused me to enter into a bit of a crisis! My first problem is that I am having difficulty getting over her past. She had her first boyfriend quite young and a string of relationships thereafter before 'settling down'. Rationally I know she's done nothing wrong and I can't change the past but thinking about her with these men, how she fell in love with them etc. sends me into a bad place.This then leads onto my second problem ... wondering if these bad feelings wouldn't exist and be getting in the way now if I had gone through a normal youth then; if I had had a first girlfriend at a normal age and just more girlfriend experience in general! Even if I had had more interaction with girls in general in my youth (I went to an all male school so 'understanding' girls and how they think and act when they're young is an unknown for me).I know some of you are immediately going to say "mid life crisis" ... but I wouldn't have put myself in that bracket. Others will say pull yourself together and get a life ... move on. But for someone like me who has never worried about things before these are very real issues that I am having difficulty getting past. Any helpful advice would be very gratefully received. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Thanks for replying. If you have any specific questions please ask or message me. But asking is better because others can read it too.
Be strong
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both very much for replying to this question.
They are very helpful and positive comments.
There appear to be a whole number of interelated issues for me.
I need to try and 'train' myself away from these obsessive and negative thoughts. Yos - thank you for your advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): Hello there,
I understand exactly what you are going through. I also have a hard time coming to terms with my partners past and I have been with him for three years. Like you, I did not have much experience when I met him but he had just come out of a stressful, long term relationship with a woman. They had lived together, shared a life, a house and dogs.
On one hand, I felt as if he had shared so much with his his ex that I couldn't see how he could feel and act the same way with me. I couldn't deal with thinking about all the things they had done together, both sexually and emotionally. Like you, I felt as if my partner had done nothing wrong but at the same time I would be plagued with thoughts about them. To make things worse I moved into his house (which he shared with her) and I felt very much like a second wife, as if I did not belong.
On the other, I was almost angry at myself for not having much experince with other men. I felt as if somehow if I had lived with another man, and shared special moment as my bf did with his ex, I wouldn't be in such a situation where I was unable to come to terms with his past.
I understand all that you are going through and I can say that the only thing to do at the moment is not think too deeply about it. Chances are your gf rarely if ever things about her ex's or the moments that she shared with them. Chances are you are spending more time and energy thinking about her and her ex than she is.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (19 April 2010):
"Rationally I know she's done nothing wrong and I can't change the past but thinking about her with these men, how she fell in love with them etc. sends me into a bad place."
Well it's good that you rationally accept she's done nothing wrong. Many men in your situation are so upset by the emotions they're feeling that they end up rationalising (to themselves) that their partner has done something wrong. They make some moral judgement or other. They end up convincing themselves that their pain is a direct result of some bad behaviour by their partner in the past, and hence their partners fault and responsibility. This is not only wrong, but very damaging to a relationship. You need to own these thoughts and feelings, they are yours and yours alone.
You have put your finger on the problem: "thinking about her with these men ... sends me into a bad place".
You have to stop "thinking about her with these men". There is no upside to be gained by those thoughts: the more you think about them the worse things will get. There is no point where, after you have thought about it for long enough, you'll be granted some release from these feelings. It's the opposite: the more you think about it, the worse the feelings will get and the more trapped you'll be. It's a one-way-train going only downwards. The only way out is to jump off the train.
So... stop thinking about it. It's that simple (and that difficult).
"This then leads onto my second problem ... wondering if these bad feelings wouldn't exist and be getting in the way now if I had gone through a normal youth "
Your youth doesn't sound that abnormal. We tend to focus on the hypersexualiser early movers, but for many people sex and relationships comes later. There's nothing wrong with what you experienced. Don't use that as an excuse. You don't need an excuse for how you are feeling: that's how you are feeling. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Accept them as they are. They don't need reasons, justification or some complex historical / causal analysis.
What you appear to be saying is that you're not very confident with women. Which is fair enough. Plenty of men aren't. So what's really bothering you is how you stack up to her exes. Which is also fair enough, and very very normal. No guys like to think about their girlfriends exes, and they'll always be a point of comparison for us. We are territorial! I'll openly admit the last guys I want to see around are the exes of my partner.
Again the solution is the same: don't think about it.
I'm not saying this is easy. These thoughts and feelings can be very intrusive and compulsive. And it's easy to obsess over them and let them go round and round in your mind as you make yourself increasingly upset. It's what many men do in this situation. And it sounds like you might be starting to do that.
Every time you find these thoughts and feelings coming up you need to make an effort to distract yourself. Doesn't matter what with: preferably something you find fun / interesting / engaging. The more you can pull yourself away from those negative thoughts, the easier it will become.
Hope that helps. I've had the same experience as you and have written about extensively on this site. If you search through my post history you'll find a lot more about it.
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