A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure if any of u can help me with this, but I have seemed to have lost the ability to make close friends. This was not always the case. When I was you get and more carefree i made friends easily. Then I embarked on a serious career where I always felt the need to be and act serious, to not let people I worked with know what I really am like, as they would certainly judge me to my detriment. My wife and I used to joke that i lived two lives. Fast forward 15 years and I think I have become the person I always pretended to be at work. It seems to no longer come at all natural to meto be the funny self-effacing person I used to be. I find myself being serious in social situations, and struggle to think of funny things to sAy. I no longer get that feeling that people want to be with or near me. Or do things we me socially. This is highlighted by my wife. She has grown more gregarious over the years. People really like her. And, even as they used to like "us", now I think they just more or less tolerate me to be friends with herWorst of all, I have to fight feelings of resentment towards me wife - which is of course unfair and ridiculous. I know she has grown, while I seem to have shrunken as a person. How do I get back to being the light hearted funny person people liked. How as a middle aged guy do I make new friends? Or how do I turn aquaintences or friends of my wife into my close friends as well? I do not like having feelings of jealouy toward my wife, especially when I know they r really just a result of my own feelings of diminished self-worth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): you trained yourself to think and behave a certain way, so that's why you now are this way. thus, you can train yourself to be more like how you once were, it just takes conscious effort and concentration, just like the first time around. another way is to observe other people in their social interactions and use them as role models for how you should behave.
however I'm curious as to why just because on the job you had to be serious and emotionally closed off to others, why outside of work you didn't allow yourself to be your true self? I mean, you are not at work 24/7 so how come your work personality has become your predominant one?
it's also different because back when you were more outgoing, you were at a different life stage than you are now. school and college settings offer more opportunities for meeting a large variety of people in a semi organized setting which takes a lot of pressure and awkwardness out of making the initial connection. now, 15 years later, you're in a different life stage where people tend to be more inward focused - on their own families, responsibilities or careers - and not much interested in making new friends. ironically other people had a terrible time making friends in school or college and only later in life find it easier to make friends.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): I have to admit I'm really curious as to what sort of career you have that requires you to be serious all the time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): You are:its hard to give advice on how to become a heart of a party, but there is nothing wrong with you. People change over the years, you dint become anything bad, you just become different that u use to be.
I dont think you shrunk as person also, you just not that out going anymore, which is fine too.
I wouldn care much what other people think of you, the important moment is that your closest people like your wife is fond of you.
You are a little jealous of your wife, you want be like her, gregarious, but u are not. So what, you are pretty wonderfull just how you are
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