A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys.I've been back in work for eight weeks now, but for the past six weeks I've had a problem.During the pandemic we had to shut down and couldn't work remotely, it was a long long holiday that wasn't fun at times.I met this great guy, and he doesn't work at my site full-time, he's a freelancer who works part-time for the firm, hired when needed.I work for a small business, which has two offices.He's 36; I'm 23 and newly out and openly gay. I've also realized I'm fairly camp and feminine too, but that's no big deal, I gotta be myself.I'd flirted with him now and then at a local bar, when we'd had our nights out on a Friday now and then since things got back to some kind of normality. Since he wasn't a direct employee, I felt like I wasn't violating the "shit where you eat" mentality as he's not a full 9-5 employee and has other employers.He seemed interested in me, but it never got beyond flirting.However, only a week ago I got a text from him saying:"Left my wife and kids for you, got a new apartment, only a studio but want you to come and see"then sent me pics of the studio, and a topless pic of him flexing his muscles. I also had a voicemail left saying "I want to go on a date with you, you were the guy who made me realize what I was missing".I feel guilty for not knowing he was a married man, but when I'd asked him about his life, I took it at face value when he said he had no-one special in his life currently.He'd never mentioned a wife, kids etc. just said he lived alone, was single.Now I feel embarrassed at learning that the guy I liked was married, and then left his wife and young kids to be with me.Isn't the age gap of 13 years a huge one, and also am I wrong to worry about what other people think?FWIW, we're not far from an area with a well-known gay scene, but we live in a conservative area.I'd tried dating apps during the pandemic, but nothing worked, until I met the guy at work 8 weeks ago, it felt like a gift from God at first, he was attractive, intelligent.How could I be so fucking foolish and how do I know if a guy on a dating app's married or not? Is Grindr/OKCupid a bad place to meet single gay guys?Finally, I'm concerned about femme-phobia, some men hating me on dating apps for not being masculine enough; I'm not a bear, otter, leatherman etc. and yeah, my face looks kinda masculine but I'm trying to express myself as feminine since I'm being myself.I'm not sure who I want really, I've found myself being attracted to the very masculine looking guys on dating sites, or the guy mentioned above, to Asian men who aren't the usual "thin Asian feminine guy stereotype".But I'm worried about people thinking being feminine is a phase.Yes, I won't be accepted by everybody but am I wrong to believe this news article that said femmephobia in gay community is common?I want a husband in a few years, is that so wrong?Please help me, thanks guys!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): Ouch OP. This guy who has shown interest in you in my opinion sounds very SLIMY! And it also seems he is laying it on pretty thick. Not very subtle, is he? My honest opinion? He just wants some action. The sexual kind. He is newly out and is looking to sow his wild oats. You are a hot younger guy so why not? If you are good with no strings sex, I guess that would be your choice. But just make sure your eyes are wide open. You should have no further expectations of this guy. He is not relationship material in my view. He coldly left his wife to pursue men. Imagine the level of hurt he inflicted on his wife and his children? I think he is pretty selfish and self absorbed. I just don't get why some guys get married when they had to have known they had some sort of inclination to being gay. Something like that doesn't just happen overnight! It is unfair and unkind for an innocent person to pay the price for your own dishonesty with yourself. If you want to be used as a boy toy, go ahead. This guy is not a man of integrity. He just wants to fuck. All he is doing right now and for the foreseeable future is thinking with his cock.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): I meant to say:
"He has a lot of family-issues and marital matters he still has to resolve; and just dumping your wife is too impulsive and cruel to be considered something someone sane, [kind-hearted], or reasonable would do."
P.S.
Another word of caution. Some guys will rent themselves a hideaway (or man-cave) for the purpose of having their side-flings; while simultaneously maintaining a family-life. They will always have convenient excuses like work, a business matter, or it's their week for the kids. All the while, still having a wife and an active marriage.
Some even leave home, and carrying-on another life in spite of their marriage.
My wisdom and experience tells me you're inclined to date the guy anyway; because he's good-looking, and he has shown you interest. It's your life, do whatever you want, you're an adult. Your actions and decisions have consequences; don't be quick to blame him if things don't go as you hope they would. There will also be baby-mama drama. You're only 23, and your realm of experience has yet to deal with that! Her competition is not a woman, but a man!!! "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," my friend!
You may have some feminine-ways, but she's the real-deal! Be prepared!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): "I'm not sure who I want really, I've found myself being attracted to the very masculine looking guys on dating sites, or the guy mentioned above, to Asian men who aren't the usual "thin Asian feminine guy stereotype"."
If the gentleman you met at work is freshly out, and only recently left his wife; he still has a divorce to go through. He made the decision to come-out after turning his wife's life upside down; and he also left his family behind to live his truth. Red-flag! Proceed with extreme caution!!!
The key to finding a good-match is to go with the chemistry. Note and evaluate whatever feelings and healthy natural-responses that are pleasantly evoked by the presence of the person of interest, as you get to know them. Don't rely too heavily on looks! Personality, intelligence, character, and honesty outweigh a lot of superficial things we look for in the modern tech-era. We want eye-candy and somebody to showoff; but you've got to satisfy a lot more than our vision. You've also got a mind as well as a body. Don't rely too heavily on electronic-communications. Be personal and interactive. You are not a device, you are a person!
Now back to that guy! Well, you don't just walkaway from a wife and kids. You go through a legal process to undo a marriage; and you have to go through court proceedings in relation to child-custody, visitation, division of assets and property, and child-support. He may also have to pay his wife alimony. All this is an emotionally strenuous process. They both have to undergo a psychological detachment and separation process. They supposedly loved each-other enough to marry and have kids. That doesn't evaporate like dew in the sun.
Don't flatter yourself by believing you drove him away from his family; he didn't do it all for you. He did it for himself.
He still has baggage to sort-out; and he still has children who need him. If he's only 36, his kids would range from mid-teens to little-ones. They still require their father's love and presence in their lives. I wouldn't be too keen on being with someone who can drop his marriage so impulsively, carelessly, and seemingly so callously.
You didn't know all this, but you didn't ask either. He didn't have to be married to a woman; he could have also been married to another man, with whom he shares a family. Nothing at this point is your fault, he did what he wanted to do; but claiming you as the reason he left his family is ludicrous.
You're 23, you're a consenting adult; being 12 years older doesn't classify him as a pedophile.
There are a lot of stereotypes and subcultures within our gay-community; and the sad part is that there is rampant inner-discrimination and class-consciousness within the gay-scene. You'll find cliques of all sorts. Dating-wise, almost every sub-group gravitates towards "masculine, straight-acting, or macho gay-males!" Even going as far as warning-off "fems" on their dating-site profiles! That includes even "femmes" themselves!!! Posting the ever-popular and atrociously bigoted renunciations like: "no fems, fatties, Asians, or blacks!" Such blatant hypocrisy will make you cringe!
Be careful about stereotyping yourself; because much of that behavior is put-on and exaggerated. Camp is not real, it's an act! It's not being yourself, but expressing yourself freely, flamboyantly, and without inhibition. Defying social-traditions and society-mandated/gender-specific behaviors. It's not entirely natural, but it makes a statement; and it challenges the socially-accepted behavior deemed/defined as masculine-behavior. Masculinity comes natural, but it too is often exaggerated; and some dudes are ridiculous. Even women don't buy it!
Just because a guy is delicate, refined, soft, handsome, stylish, and well-groomed doesn't mean he's gay. bi, or a closet-case. As I must often admonish and remind my straight-friends; especially my single-lady friends, who are afraid to approach certain guys because he's too "pretty!" I also have to convince them there is really no such thing as "gaydar;" and you can totally miss the mark. You might hurt somebody's feelings, or get punched in the face! Many attest to having this ability, which amounts to having ESP; and I have won a lot of bets; because of frequent ambiguities, and the false-claims of having a high degree of accuracy. It's not a science, it's a parlor trick!
Being yourself is doing what flows naturally, of course. But come-on! Finger-snapping, hair-flipping, being "girlier" than a girl; and exaggerated effeminate-gestures for the sake of camp and fun; is performed and appropriated by just about everyone within each of the categories you gave; be it leather, butch, bear, etc. Even straight-guys do it in fun!
We can all turn-it-on and be "girlfriends" at any given moment; and return to whom we normally are when there is nobody around to impress, entertain, or to solicit attention from.
You have to be resourceful, open-minded, and creative when it comes to finding dates. It could happen incidentally, people can set you up, and love may just happen to find you when you're not even looking for it. Dating apps have no guarantees; they just offer you a wide-range of prospects. Getting and keeping someone's interest is entirely up to you.
Most gay dating sites lead to hook-ups, because one of our most common proclivities in gay-culture, particularly among gay-males, is promiscuity. We can't say that's strictly a straight-guy thing! It's more true than stereotypical! Gay-men are just as manho-ish as our straight-bros! Hence, you'll have to kiss a lot of toads, cast-out demons, and pull a lot of weeds. You also have to heal, fix, and correct yourself. It takes patience and perseverance. My dad used to say " nothing hard, or worthy, is easy!"
Give guys a chance, listen to what they say about themselves, believe what you see, don't exaggerate in your profile, don't always have sex on the first date (as we are prone to do); and be careful about that guy you met at work. He has a lot of family-issues and marital matters he still has to resolve; and just dumping your wife is too impulsive and cruel to be considered something someone sane, kind-heated, or reasonable would do.
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