A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a man I have fallen in love with for nearly 3 years.I think he has an addiction to porn and I can't discuss it with him, but I need to understand more before I decide to walk away.We have both come from long term marriages and were both the "Dumpees".Our r/ship has had it's probems, he not wanting to commit to anything, me wanting more and finally agreed that we were "Comfortable Companions" even though we still have our times of conflict.One problem we have never had is our sex life.. amazing. He has said that he has never had sex as fantastic as ours,and I have allowed him to express himself sexually which he was unable to do in his marriage.I must point out, sex is not the priority in our r/ship, in fact when the novelty wore off as it does after you have been together for a while, we probably only engaged over the weekends.One night over a year ago he was showing me something on his computer when I noticed a folder titled "18 YO Virgin". I asked him what it was and he became really angry and told me it was none of my business. When I had the chance alone, I looked.... and found so much more.I have raised porn as a subject, stating that porn is ok, I look at it, nothing to be ashamed, let watch it together and was even more outraged and told me to mind my own business.I continued to secretly monitor every now and then his viewing only to find lately he has a separate external drive where he downloads images, porn clips, full movies and the internet history shows he views everyday. We started having sex maybe just once on the weekend, still fantastic but maybe less intimate.I have been feeling very insecure and more needy lately, causing him to feel stifled and so he has requested time to himself to work out if he even wants a r/ship. I called in to talk to him about this and he requested no contct at all for a few weeks. the next day I went around to his house when he wasn't home to collect some of my belongings and checked the computer once more, I know this is wrong, but I guess I needed to know something that might be the reason.Yes, He had been watching clips and a movie,after I had left him the night before ( we had no contact except for a peck on the cheek) his jeans and shoes on floor next to computer, I suppose my imagination took over and I felt so worthless.Does porn addiction take over a man wanting to have a real r/ship? He assures me he adores me, he knows I love sex, and very open to everything, then why can't he be open and talk about, share it and have a healthy balance instead of doing it secretly? A whole external drive of the stuff daily?I am taking these few weeks to think about what to do. I do love him and his teenage kids that are there 50% of the week, but feel like he is not being truthful.Please help so I may understand how this works!
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
 When he cant keep away from it and it interferes with your relationship because he'd rather jerk off to porn than to you i think you can safely say there is a problem.You have no idea on how long he has been looking you don't know him long enough to know that, so i would delve further for the answers your looking for and i would also monitor his behaviour.The same way a sex addict hides his shame and guilt is the same way anyone who has this problem will hide it, they will lie compulsively if need be to hide their secret, trust me porn can be poison in the wrong hands, no man or woman for that matter knows if they will get addicted to it till they start to view and if your man has been viewing for many years i think you can safely say he is addicted to it.Gina
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Thank you for sharing your thoughts so far and I am aware that addiction is a problem, but what constitutes an addiction? Is he addicted? I know he is embarrassed that I know about his having it on his computer. I somehow think that he has only been looking since his marriage breakdown and I was on the scene 6 months after his wife left for her lover. Their love life was "nightie 'round the neck, lights off" type sex... so not the man I met.I first thought that the porn was more an education for him, and not a bad thing, but, after having the sex we have, he doesn't need it!!
Maybe it is just me, the person, he doesn't want and the porn has nothing to do with it. All his friends and family tell me he has come alive since I have been in his life... I just don't get it... once again... thanks for sharing.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
Porn Addiction needs addressed professionally he has to admit he has a problem with it and seek help.
No woman has to accept porn in a relationship when it starts to mess it up, he objected to you snooping and asking cause that means to spoil his fun, you see addicts don't see it as a problem because they get pleasure from it so why is that a problem, (they think!)
It becomes a problem when it starts to take over their life, their relationships, time, money etc: and i would be urging him to seek help in addressing this.
Porn addiction can be cured but seeking help is the first step, also getting him to admit he even has a problem with it will be hard.
Addicts will tell you what you want to hear as long as they get time to do what they want, you see most addicts are also very selfish in nature and only think of their wants and needs, please think carefully what you want to do living with an addict especially one who refuses to seek help is hell.
Gina
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): We read here all the time about women complaining about men's porn addictions. And all too often it's men in sexless marriages looking for release. Men who would prefer the real thing, but it's not available.You say he was 'dumped' by his wife. And from the age on your profile, I'll assume that he, too, is in his 50s. Without details, I'll just go on assuming -- he was married for 20+ years, and that sex in that marriage dwindled to nil after a while. So to cope, over the years, he turned to porn. It was his dirty secret. Something that he had to keep very, very secret, lest his (wife, children, employer, community) find out about. In other words, a very deeply ingrained secret. For someone born in the 1950s, masturbation was a terrible sin. Porn even worse. Yes, people masturbated. Yes, people used porn to help it along. But you couldn't let anyone know. The habit of secrecy is strongly ingrained. Add to that a sexless relationship, where masturbation is the only outlet. It's easy to see how it could become a secret habit. How many years was that his life?If the two of you have had issues in the relationship such that he hasn't been prepared to commit, it's perhaps understandable that the habits of an adult lifetime continue to serve as his refuge.Of course I have no idea if that's what's gone on with him. But I throw it out as an idea.
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A
female
reader, satindesire  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Yes, porn addiction DOES take over past wanting a relationship. Porn is harmless as long as it's meaningless to a person, much like a man who has a single beer with dinner instead of a full blown alcoholic.
Addictions are addictions, period, and you will NEVER mean more to that person than the addiction. My ex was addicted to porn and it completely ruined our relationship. We went from having really good sex multiple times a day, to barely touching each other and sleeping separately in just four short years. Not to mention the constant, everyday fighting it caused.
Here's the deal. No matter how much you love him, you cannot love enough for two people, and he cannot love you MORE than porn. An addict is an addict, whether it's cocaine, his job, alcohol, sex, painkillers, or porn. NOTHING in his life matters more than blunting the edge of his desire with pornography and he will never be able to be intimate with you the way YOU NEED.
Do NOT make the same mistake that I did, and think that with enough time and patience you can 'heal' him and he'll love you and your relationship will be stronger for the difficulties you had in the past. He has to work out his addiction on his own terms, on his own time, and not be arrogant enough to think he can be in a loving relationship while doing it.
Please, do yourself a favor, sweetheart, and move on from this one. If he does get treatment for his porn addiction, perhaps you two can get back together, but until he does, you will NEVER be number one. And you deserve better than to be constantly on the back burner.
Many prayers for you. Good luck and regards.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I can't say for sure but, since you're open to porn, the only thing that comes to mind is that you said he has kids in the teens, right? Maybe some of the porn, or all, that he looks at when you're not involved is of younger girls and he's ashamed, ya know? I know this sounds stupid but, maybe it's the age thing. Maybe he needs to know that as long as they're an adult it's OK. There is SO much porn on the internet that it's hard to resist, even for me, a woman. Just something to think about. :)
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