A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so frustrated and feel like leaving my partner. Me and my partner moved in together 1 year ago after he had heart surgery. We had been together 10 years. I feel I have been very accomodatong and patient. He has not come near me in any way since the surgery claiming he is scared to, which would be fine if he didn't go doing jobs left, right and centre!!He claims he is too scared for intimacy of any kind yet his friends and family call asking for favours such as putting a fence up, changing a tyre, wall papering etc and he is right there! Yet he won't come near me at all. He goes balistic at me if I so much as touch his chest and yet he is off doing jobs no matter how strenuous for anybody who asks! Last week his friend asked him to plaster a wall and no hesitancy, he was there in his scruff doing the job with no worries.When I try to speak to him about this he just doesn't answer - just stares at me. It is at the point where I have stopped going near him, stopped trying to cuddle up etc I never would have suspected he would have an affair but lately it has crossed my mind and I am starting to hate him for it. I wish he would just tell me once and for all so atleast I know where I stand!I would leave him but because we live together and things have gone so expensive I can hardly move out and go it alone! The rent in my area has gone 3 times as high and energy bills at almost the same rate and I just can't cover it. I know a lot of people will read this and say 'jeez the man has had heart surgery let him be' and I have honestly tried! I have cared for him ever since, given him all the space he needs, we talked endlessly at first and I spoke with doctors about what to say and do afterwards. If he was not wanting to do anything physical at all I would put it down to depression but my anger and frustration stems from him being able to do everything for everyone yet he won't even cuddle me or talk to me about it! This is probably half a vent and half a question really. Do I just bite the bullwt? Save up and leave? I can't cope anymore!I can't see a way out other than this!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2023): First question: how was your sex life before the surgery? Was it normal?
2nd question: has he started suffering from erectile dysfunction after the surgery? Is taking drugs after the surgery? Cause most of heart drugs cause ED.
Usually doctors stop heart patients form strenuous tasks such as lifting loads over 5 kgm.
My advice if you can persuade him to go and see his doctor to clarify these things because it is quite possible he is mentally afraid because of his heart condition.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 July 2023):
 Everyone has a breaking point and you sound like you have reached yours. You say "I can't cope anymore!"
If you love this man and don't really want to leave, have one last ditch attempt at saving the relationship. Will he go with you for counselling? If not, can you get an appointment on your own and talk this through and, at least, prepare yourself mentally for the end of this relationship?
Is your accommodation suitable to be split into two areas, where you can occupy one each while you save up to get a place of your own?
Don't hide anything from him. Tell him this is what you are planning and tell him why. If you two signed a lease together, you may need to wait until it has expired.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It takes two to make a relationship work and your partner, for whatever reason, is keeping his distance from you. Whether he is having an affair or not is irrelevant in the long run. What matters is that there is no intimacy between you and you are not prepared to live like that for the rest of your life.
Start getting your ducks in a row, saving up and looking around for somewhere, and accept that this is how it has to be.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (8 July 2023):
 Hiya,
I've had surgery myself and can honestly say I was gagging for anything after 6 months of going without. I don't know if there are any other issues in your relationship as you don't mention.
The fact he does seem to go do other more strenuous things leads me to believe it's not that he is scared to excerpt himself so much. I know when I had issues I was so body conscious as they messed up my stomach when I had a stoma fitted that I would have to do fun times in the dark at first.
I would just sit down one day with him, in a total stress free and normal way and ask I have needs and i'm wondering if since the surgery it's me you don't find attractive anymore or have you found someone else.
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