A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband asked for a divorce after 7 years because I put my children (from a previous marriage) before him. Three weeks later he is dating another woman. For closure I needed to know how he could move on so fast and just act like I never existed. So when he called me I asked him if he cheated on me or if he just wanted to see her - he said it just happened. I don't know if I can ever trust another man, so it will be a long time before I consider dating again. I told him that I feel like I love him more than he ever really loved me. He was silent and never answered. Does his silence mean that he never really loved me? Does he feel guilty? What does his silence mean?
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cheated on me, divorce, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain thank you all for you support and answers. They help alot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to noonespecial. Shortly after we were married I began to attend college while working 30-40 hours per week because my husband wanted me to quit a job I loved. If I wanted to continue to work in a school I needed to get a degree. So I did. My husband felt like I didn't do enough while attending college and my first year of teaching which I also had to coach a sport (which I hadn't planned on). I didn't do enough because I wouldn't prepare full cooked meals for him to heat up, jump to his needs (like sex, doing farm chores, etc.), and I didn't always want to go drink or hang out with his mother on the few days I was home. I would be gone 5 to 7 days a week and anywhere from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. When I was home I chose to spend time with my children and then my husband.
When I didn't "take care" of him and his needs; his moods would swing like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My family is complicated and he felt were not in the same social or moral status of his family. I tried to tell him that my family was not perfect but they were still my family. I wasn't sure how to act around him because of his varied responses and sometimes unrealistic expectations. His mother caters and takes care of him; she has done this for the last 16 years and counting. My husband is fake to people because how others view him is most important.
The last three weeks before I moved my husband became even more moody. He began to criticize my sons every move and kicked him out of our house. I refused to choose between my son and him (I would never ask him to choose between his children and me - I told him this). My husband even took a cell phone call and walked a quarter of a mile into our fields. I became suspicious and asked him if he was wanting to see someone else and if that was why he was wanting to end the marriage. He blew up and denied it. I am not totally forgiving him yet, but I know I need to. I am just trying to make it day by day.
Three years before we were married I just ended my first marriage to an abusive man who almost killed me. I told my husband about my concerns. He also knew I would never choose him over my children. I almost died trying to get my children out of a bad situation and I would die for my children if I needed to. I was treated for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and my husband swore he would never hurt me. He said the three things he hates most are liars, thieves, and cheaters. I believed him and trusted him. I feel crushed because I gave him a part of my heart that I had sworn never to give another man. I truly believed he would never hurt me. Fear and physical pain are really bad and hard to recover from but breaking someones heart is a total different pain. This was a pain I never anticipated from my husband. I feel like I failed and sometimes numb due to all the emotions. Hurt, feeling violated, mad, ashamed, ignorant, and vulnerable.
Over my marriage I became a stronger and more independent woman and I believe my husband wants a woman who needs him more. I will take the time to become the person I want to be. My children will be graduated in 4 years and then I will choose if I want to try another relationship or not but I am not going to make major decisions until then. My children are my main priority right now.
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female
reader, tamika1983 +, writes (8 August 2009):
Most men are ignorant and selfish. To me no matter who the person is children should always come first. Him being your husband should have understood that. Children need guidence and they need that feeling that someone is always gonna be there for them and they are gonna love u even more cause u were there. They are the future and no one should want there needs met before a child. Now as for the silence that just means either he didn't really love u or he love u and just fell out of love with u as they time went on because he didn't feel like he was getting enough attention. This also means he may have cheated on u when u were together. I'm glad the kids got you attention but not everybody understands that and he was just crying out for your attention as well. In order for that relationship to have been successful u would have had to split your time 50 50 between the kids and your husband and just hope he would have appreciated it and understood. If he moved on as quick as he did then it was never meant to be. Don't beat yourself up about it. Take sometime out for yourself and when your heart is ready to let another man in it will. Just take your time and ask questions like How would u feel my kids from another marriage got a lot of my time. Depending on what he says will let u know if he is the one. just talk about it and be open. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): He was likely already seeing her or at least had her in the fringes.
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female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (8 August 2009):
Hi there,
What do you mean when you say you put your children first? Do you mean you put their needs first or that you pushed your husband away by putting their needs and wants first? Also, how did he put his children and Mother first?
It is my understanding that someone who separates and begins seeing someone so soon after, is trying to distract themselves and avoid the hurt, pain and grief they need to face. Sometimes the quicker they do this, the more they loved you.
Do you think he cheated with this other Woman when you were together, were their any signs? Had he ever lied to you?
You said you needed to know how he could move on so fast and just act like you never existed, yet when he phoned you asked him if he cheated on you. Perhaps you should have asked him how he could move on so fast.
You say you can never trust another man, in what way do you feel your trust has been broken? Do you feel cheated on?
When you told him that you felt like you loved him more than he ever really loved you, I would assume that this is spot on as this is how you felt.
In regards to interpreting his silent response, I think he'd be the best one to ask.
I don't think you're being fair to yourself to start thinking his silence mean't that he never really loved you. You were husband and wife and this usually always means there is love.
I know that things would be hard for you at the moment, yet watch your thinking on this. If you put more meaning on things in particular negative meanings, such as he never loved you, you'll make it harder for yourself because you are selling yourself short. Things are hard enough without assuming the worst about things that may not be accurate.
You said he didn't think your family was worth it. Do you mean that he judged your family as inferior to his own?
You say you felt you were walking on eggshells, do you mean you couldn't be yourself and were anxious about an outburst from him if you were?
I personally don't believe in forgiving him too soon. It's sort of a religious bulls**t approach to me, like turn the other cheek crap. I imagine you're as mad as hell and rightfully so. Forgiving him too soon will only suppress your real feelings and slow down your grieving process. Forgiveness will come in it's own natural time and should not be forced. If you find yourself stuck in resentment for years, then yeah, you'll need to work on your forgiveness yet forgiving him too soon will suppress your natural grieving process which may create a a deep hidden lack of forgiveness for longer than it needs to be.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks baddogbj.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (7 August 2009):
 Just to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that you would be wrong for putting your children first. Its quite understandable and I would think normal in a second marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): His silence means yes he was cheating and no he probably did not love you as much and no he probably does not feel guilty! You have a right to feel angry. Go ahead and feel angry for now! But then move on just as he is doing. It really does not matter whether he feels guilty or not. The fact is that he has asked you for a divorce as is dating three weeks later. He is dating and you are not yet divorced that IS cheating. If he really loved you he would be trying with all that he has to win you back instead of out running around with other women. You will fall in love again. You will eventually forgive him. And you will stop loving him. It may not be for a little while but it will not take as long as may think. Do not make the mistake of taking him back for any reason because he will cheat again. You have only been married seven years better that you find out now what he is really like than you find out after twenty years. He is not worth it! Be good to yourself and do not allow this to eat you up. You deserve so much better than him and you will find someone that is good to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you comments they really do help me to realize my gut instincts are most likely right. I don't know when or if I will ever date again, but I will forgive him (but not forget) because forgiveness is good for the soul. Again thank you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to baddogbj. I did put my children first. As a parent I think you do put your children first. He put his children and mother first. So why was it so hard for him to believe I would put my children first? I put a lot into my marriage and it wasn't enough. He wants someone to cater to him and his needs. He even wanted me to put my family after his family because my family wasnt' worth it in his eyes. I walked on a lot of egg shells living with him. I am mourning the loss of my marriage and I will always love him. I know I was not perfect in our marriage, but I don't feel bad for putting my children first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): i think he was actually seein her on the sly before leaving you. the excuse about your kids was just that an excuse.
don't let him hurt you anymore. please do not be like the other women waiting for crumbs from their hbs when they leave. your life is valuable,precious, you are blessed with kids, and you are ALIVE. there are so many possibilities. live each day to the fullest, mourn for the deah of your marriage but slowly move on. you need to .it will be so hard, yes, but life continues. you have to be strong for yourself and your kids.
next time the ex phones, do not even give a damn, please do not wait around for him to come back. he is gone. for good. and say good riddance to the cheater because in your heart you know he did. he doesn't feel guilty, cheaters never do. his silence means AFFIRMATION. it means well, i cannot get out of this one. silence is golden. things do not just happen - he was with her before therefore he is with her so soon. sad that us women don't have a sisterhood.
(my irresponsible suggestion would be: if he has an available friend/brother, go out and f*ck them senseless. it will give you closure, it will releave the stress and it may just give you the boost you need to continue). sorry, as i said irresponsible, didn't i. so put on your sexy clothers, do the hair, the makeup and have a night out. but be responsible. and don't complicate things. i know it is too sonn to move on but have some fun and let down your hair.
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male
reader, Your friend +, writes (6 August 2009):
 The silence means that he agrees with you, that you loved him more then he loved you, no relationship has two people loving each other to the same capacity it's just not possible, so one will always love the other more. The other bit about the other woman, its possible that he knew her before you broke up, thats why it was easier for him to leave you.
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male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (6 August 2009):
He has just divorced you (or in the process of divorcing you) and is seeing someone else. You have just accused him of cheating on your. It is hardly the time that he is going to start telling you how much he loved you ...When you say ".. because I put my children from a previous marriage before him" - do you accept that that is what you did or do think that you were putting your husband first and he didn't see it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I don't think he has moved on, I think he's on the rebound. His silence could mean confirmation that what you said was true, or he just didn't know how to respond - Personally I think if it wasn't true he would have responded. Sometimes silence says it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): in my opinion his silence could mean that he thought he loved you more than you ever did him. and tbh i don;t think he has really moved on.
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