A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together on and off for two years living together for about a year and a half more or less, we just had a son together in may and that brought new stress to our relationship. but in the meantime even after our son was born he would still continue to go out with his friends two or three times a week staying out till all hours of the night. well last week i went out to the bar for the first time in about a year because of being pregnant and taking care of the baby you know i havent really had time to go out and be with friends without the little one around. well he flipped out calling me i came home and he was saying that he was going to move out and accusing me of god knows what being with a bunch of guys etc. none of was true i was just hanging with a couple girlfreinds having a few drinks. the argument escalated and i left with the baby, he wants me to move out. A few days later i was packing my things trying to work it out with him weve been here many times before, he was saying this isnt working im not happy i cant trust you etc, then he changed to i wanna take a break i need to think things out. i mean i dunno what to do being young and now alone with a child while he stays in our apartment living what it looks like the single life... any advice?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 First of all, get some professional advice.
You are the one with the baby and why should you be the one to move out, you have to put yourself and most definitely your child first. You say if you move out you will be on your own, do you have any family nearby who you could live with or who know what the situation is with your bf?
Personally, I think the whole fatherhood side of things is freaking him out and if he gets you out of the picture and your son then he can be the free and easy guy again, however, sounds to me like nothing has basically changed for him at all, even after your son was born.
When the shoe is put on the other foot, i.e. you go out for once, he is the one who says he can't trust you, sounds to me like he is shifting blame here. Has he done anything HE is ashamed of on one of the many nights he has stayed out.
I am not completely sure what the laws state in the US about a mother and child, but find out your rights first of all, in the UK, the mother and child cannot always be evicted, who owns the apartment or do you rent? Who works btw, I am assuming he does, do you work at all?
In the UK a single mother gets Income support (if not working) - this is £64.30 each week and also child tax credit which is approximately £54.11 and also child allowance which is £80 a month for one child. You can also get Housing Benefit in the UK, this would allow a certain amount for a two bedroom place i.e. one bedroom for you and one for your child. The amount is calculated by each local council in the UK. Not sure what happens in the US. We also have to pay Council Tax in the UK and if you are not working then the government pays this for non working people.
There is also child care costs/allowances that are paid if you do decide to work in the UK and you have a registered childminder to look after your child whilst you work, again I don't know the rules for the US.
Check out your entitlements before you move out into an uncertain world. You have to make sure you and your child have a roof over your head.
Your bf is also liable to pay you a certain amount of maintenance for your child (sometimes you may not see this if the government pay your living costs, but he has to pay his way for his child), and you will also have to bear in mind his visitation rights, normally in the UK it is every other weekend or an arrangement you come to between the two of you, again check out the legal rulings in your country.
I don't want to be an alarmist but don't jump until you know what help you can get. He is just saying get out and has no concern for either your welfare or that of HIS child. Seems he wants it all his own way. Don't let him know your plans just yet, get the facts first of all and make sure you always have keys to the place and if he was to get nasty be prepared in case he changes locks etc.
Sounds like he wants a batchelor pad again.
It is never easy breaking up with someone, believe me I know. But make sure you and your child are well taken care of first of all OK.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (19 July 2009):
Ladies, ladies, ladies.... To wit. I submit this question is a glaring example of a path to poverty, misery, lonliness, alcoholism, disappointment, and, perhaps, drug abuse. Young, ignorant, immature, dysfunctional..... and... best of all (!)... drum roll..... pro-creating (... that means making babies, anonymous questioner). You describe a relationship where your boyfriend (note: not husband) goes out and drinks with friends a few night a week, and that you're starting to do the same. Are you two kids out of your freakin' minds?! Wake up! It's NOT about you anymore, it's about the poor, unfortunate baby boy, who is almost certainly going to grow up in an unstable, sad family life, because of you two idiot selfish kids. Good mothers do NOT go to bars, sit on bar stools with their friends (who hopefully are smarter than you and ain't birthin' no babies yet), while their baby is at home. That goes for Daddy, too (more so for Mommy). Of course it's not working, you're both dumbass kids! But you know, you have to make it work. Have a plan. Sit down with someone, a professional (social worker, through social services, the church -- you really need help) -- you two are WHOLLY incapable of figuring this out yourselves. My sage advice is that you need a life plan, with goals for yourselves as a couple (how about getting married and giving your son a stable home?!), and goals for your son. Do you have parents who can provide guidance, too? Good for you for recognizing that you have a problem, but Dear Cupid isn't going to do it. You need professional help to guide you through this. Having babies is A LOT OF WORK. Your BF said this isn't working out?!?!? Hahahahahahahah. (Wipe tear). Couldn't you two have figured that out before you were pointing your legs to the ceiling?! You two made a baby together. It's about your son now. Grow up.
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