A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm an 18 year old male about to graduate high school. I feel like my high school experience has had a ton of accomplishments, except for my nightmarish junior year, but there's one thing I never could bring myself to do: ask a girl out.Now, don't think I'm some gynophobic, I can talk to girls. During my school's musical this past year, I probably spent more time around the girls backstage than I did guys. It's just taking the plunge to asking out territory that I'm afraid of. The reason: I just don't want it to be awkward between me and the girl if she says no. That's made me let so many girls get away.Can anyone give me some advice that I won't let this shyness carry over with me to college this fall or maybe for this summer even?!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Dude, I am with you. I could never ask a girl out, I was just too shy. Afraid to get shot down, the awkwardness that would follow, and possibly, being talked about around school. I never got even close to a girl until I was 20.
That girl, my first and only love, is now the love of my life. It was a giant step to make, and I felt sick to my stomach even thinking about it. However, I was able to do it. This is why, and is my advice to you.
I had moved to a new city in 1999, when I saw this girl in the 6th grade, at the "new school." I liked her, but didn't know anyone (I was the "new kid.") And as usual, I hid my feelings, and shut them down. I could never talk or even look at her. Over the course of my middle/high school/early college career, I would like a girl, but still keep my feeling to myself, in hopes they would die. I told myself, "who'd want to date me?" and was even told I was ugly once by a girl. So I gave up.
Then, along comes facebook, and I add a few high school friends. That girl I had seen and liked in 1999, added me, and she wrote on my wall seeing what I was up to. I wrote back about my college experience and life endeavors, and we started talking, just friendly stuff. By this point, I had given up on love, and saw this as only just at best-a facebook friendship. Little did I know, however, that she started to like me. We finally agreed to meet up (me: a "friend outing", her a "date"). After a few dates, she told me she had feelings for me, and even cried at the prospect of me moving away when I graduated, and use remaining friends on facebook. Later that night, I finally got the courage to ask her out, and that was two years ago.
The moral of the story, getting to know a girl as a friend really helps. Only you will know if there is a possibility of love in there, so don't just ask all of your "girl-friends," ask a girl-friend that you feel close to.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (3 June 2010):
I know that feeling! And yeah, I know how it hurts when you DO start asking and get more turn-downs than acceptances.
There's more than a little bit of truth in what "Oregoongrll" said. When you meet the "right" girl, you'll ask her. But of course . . . How will you KNOW that she's the "right" one, until you've spent some time together?
Do you have a group of regular friends? Not necessarily "close" friends, and they might be friends of either gender. Just people you hang out with somewhat regularly - or often eat together at lunch - or sit together in Study Hall. They may be able to help you out.
I didn't have anything like a "date" with a girl until about 6 weeks before my High School graduation. There was a group of casual acquaintances I sort-of associated with (we lived within a few blocks of each other, and mostly attended the same church but not regularly). One girl (Patty) decided she needed a Prom date, she had a mild attraction to me, and the group decided that I'd be a good companion.
At that time I can't say I was especially interested in girls in general, or her in particular. I won't go into details, but there's probably enough material there for a few sitcom episodes as several individuals worked to make me notice Patty, nudge me in her direction, arrange for her to "need" a ride to a school event on one of the few days when I could borrow the family car, etc. And yes, it ALMOST DID come down to her saying "Well, are you going to ask me to the Prom or not?".
We loved each other for about 6 months. She taught me to dance - to kiss - to make love with a woman (though I never even fondled her breast, much less had sex with her). Being at different colleges, 600 miles apart, was a significant factor in our breaking up. I wish only the best for her, and still wonder if we could have had a fulfilling marriage.
The point is that mutual acquaintances had a significant role in forming our relationship. They provided the group activities where we could have "dates", without really "dating", or being paired off as a couple. I probably could have had many more social interactions with girls if I had made it known that I was interested in being included in group activities - things like ball games, concerts, Friday night pizza runs, etc. If I had done more of those things I suspect dating, and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, would have developed.
In college, I decided (perhaps like you have) that I would be more bold in approaching female girl persons of the opposite sex. That's when I experienced a lot of rejection, and the "girls avoid me like the plague" feeling really set in. In the span of 4 years I had dates only about half a dozen times - most of those were arranged by friends who needed an extra guy to make the numbers balance evenly - and never twice with the same girl.
One problem is that folks your own age are seldom good matchmakers. I was eventually helped by a (much) older adult, who knew me and my personality fairly well. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later, we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is older than you.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
For more on this topic, see the thread "27 year old virgin, Help!" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/27-year-old-virgin-help.html . Scroll down to my post.
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A
female
reader, Blondiebrooke69 +, writes (3 June 2010):
(moderator note: please spell words out and not write "u") You just need to ''jump'', find the girl and take the next step ... Make sure she likes you by flirting first and see how she reacts then ask her on a date....
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (3 June 2010):
I think maybe it's because you have'nt found the right girl that interests you! you will, and you will look back on it all even you're acomplishments....
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