A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i really need advice here. whats wrong with me. at work i work extremely hard, have never been ill yet am constantly berated and despised by colleagues. its got so bad ive had to change teams twice now because it was getting to me so badly. i am a nice person and am very giving and would always work the way someone else was for the sake of a quiet life yet they never do the same for me and im constantly slagged off for the way i work. i have very little confidence anyway but now go out of my way to avoid these people making me look standoffish and rude and im not but ive endured this for 5 years and it gets to the stage where you cant take it anymore. what should i do its making me miserable and tearful and im not normally like that. ive had a lot of personal stuff happen to me and try to keep going but this is really affecting me now. one particular guy who i find coky and lazy wont even acknowledge me dut to some words an old bitter friend told him untruths regarding me. I'm just sick of people pleasing everyone. no one gives a damn about me and i try so hard to please them. its affecting me so much its on my mind night and day. ive even helped a new friend who already borrowed over 300 and never paid me back. my life is a mess and it feels worthless. even my 2 close friends are now distant. why am i so hated. i would do anything for anyone. im currently saddled with 50,000 of debt im paying back that a boyfriend dumped me with. i have no confidence and feel like ending it all again like i nearly did last year. sorry for burdening you but im so down
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Hi
Firstly ..please never ever give up and end things...I don't even know you but it breaks my heart thinking another soul wants to end it.. i have had a few friends end it and the sad thing is life can get better but not if your hanging from the rafters like my friend was. You must not get into a spiral of self pity ( we all do sometimes for a while the trick is getting back up) stand up and wipe your tears and know that changes have to be made.
Who are you? what do you want out of life? can you GO GET IT? Are you been totally true to yourself ? what is important to you?
If you really can't pay or face the debt go bankrupt and start afresh.
Do you have the balls to do somthing radical and risky...travel the world working on farms in schools..work your way around it...it will pay for your next pit stop.
So you get bad credit ..would you rather meet unusual characters in unusual places and have stories and adventures to tell OR a good credit score. NAMES LABELS TITLES ..who really gives a xxxx live life to the full and if others want to be small minded back biters leave a trail of dust in their eyes as you blaze.
Life is for living not for dying....
The biggest risk is never taking one.
Good luck and happy hunting ...start again. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Hi
Firstly ..please never ever give up and end things...I don't even know you but it breaks my heart thinking another soul wants to end it.. i have had a few friends end it and the sad thing is life can get better but not if your hanging from the rafters like my friend was. You must not get into a spiral of self pity ( we all do sometimes for a while the trick is getting back up) stand up and wipe your tears and know that changes have to be made.
Who are you? what do you want out of life? can you GO GET IT? Are you been totally true to yourself ? what is important to you?
If you really can't pay or face the debt go bankrupt and start afresh.
Do you have the balls to do somthing radical and risky...travel the world working on farms in schools..work your way around it...it will pay for your next pit stop.
So you get bad credit ..would you rather meet unusual characters in unusual places and have stories and adventures to tell OR a good credit score. NAMES LABELS TITLES ..who really gives a xxxx live life to the full and if others want to be small minded back biters leave a trail of dust in their eyes as you blaze.
Life is for living not for dying....
The biggest risk is never taking one.
Good luck and happy hunting ...start again. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Read:
1. How To Be Your Own Best Friend
2. The Secret
Then decide to never, ever care about anyone's opinion of you, even if it's good. No one has an accurate view of anyone else because they are unqualified to form one; it's impossible. Even if they tell you you're intelligent and cute - still an opinion; doesn't make them right. See where I'm going here?
So while you're reading these two books and working on ignoring other's opinions, check out some professional help from a counselor whom is mentally healthy so you can have effective treatment.
Last, it's okay to completely ignore others who mistreat you. I mean like walk past them with your chin up looking forward and behaving as if they are not even in the room, even if they say something, anything at all. This will give you your power back.
Hang on -
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (1 August 2010):
 Unfortunately you have adopted a 'learned helplessness' victim mentality regarding the situation that you have got into. It is time to take control because your life is only a 'mess' if you let it be. You say you are nice and obliging, but as the others have mentioned there is a risk of being exploited when you are too nice. For some more predatory individual's, being extra helpful will be perceived as a weakness they can exploit. I am not suggesting that you get extra cynical and run up a mountain to spend your days living as a hermit with a herd of goats...but awareness that others may not have your personal standards of integrity is one step towards changing your life for the better. You seem to be depressed, and perhaps you should see a GP as you can receive effective treatment for that. If your job is getting you down, get another one. Start looking around quietly without telling anyone at work until you hand in your resignation letter. As for your debt, you should see the citizens advice bureau. If your debt is jointly shared with your ex-boyfriend then you may be able to take him to court for his share. Even if he hasn't got any money, getting a county court judgement against him will do 'wonders' for his ability to get any form of credit whatsoever in the future. Revenge is best served up cold by the court writing a CCJ into his credit report. Lots of people are struggling with money right now. You need to get some expert advice as there maybe a solution to your finances. Don't get help from one of those dodgy private debt firms that are out there. Go to the citizens advice bureau or call the national debtline. I would say that you should never go into joint financial agreements with anyone - I don't even have them with my husband! I had debt collectors chasing me for money I didn't owe last year (they couldn't even produce any documentary evidence). Lots of menacing letters about bailiffs, court action bla bla bla. Unfortunately they picked on the wrong one and I ended up reporting them to the authorities for fabricating claims (at which point they got fined and had to go away).You say that your confidence is low, but if you seek treatment for depression, find a new job and perhaps consider cognitive behavioural therapy (a GP can refer you for free) then you would be able to change things around. Stop worrying about people at work and what they think of you...why care about them if they cannot afford you any respect? Office culture tends to be pretty vile in this country at the best of times and there are thousands of people feeling just like you about your job right now. The power to change your life is firmly resting with you. You can go on for years feeling sorry for yourself or start to look for a plan to change things for the better.
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female
reader, DazedConfused +, writes (1 August 2010):
Have you ever heard of inferiority complex.Well pretty much everyone who is an asshole to someone has one of these.Ive actually come across these problems myself when I was back in the UK. Ive always been that little kinder, smarter and harder working than most people. I had a really good career at a young age and I worked so so so hard. Probably to do with my own insecurities. But what Im trying to say is, at the time I couldnt understand why some people really seemed to take a dislike to me, I was really really kind, id help anyone and go out of my way to help people. Id come in early to help train people who werent up to speed and id work late to make everyone else in the offices life easier. The fact is they still didnt like me. Have you ever looked at yourself and thought they maybe jealous. If you have low self esteem it might be hard to believe. But look at the positives in your life and who you are. If theres problems in your work place with the people you work with but you still haven't lost your job after 5 years id say theres a reason your still there.I would suspect unless you really are a pain in the ass which you really dont sound like. You sound like a really nice girl that, the problem is definatley them. Your definatley giving to much of yourself, Im guilty of this,, I always want people to like me. Sometimes it has the opposite affect, people take advantage or there jealous of the person you are. If someone is not a very kind person they cant understand why someone else would be.Be strong be confident and stop giving out so much help. I would also suggest being much more assertive and honest with these people. Dont pour your heart out and burst in to tears. But when someone is giving you a hard time for no reason or taking the mick,,, tell them straight up without giving attitude that you totally dont appreciate what there doing. I totally agree with Samantha too...!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): I am so sorry you are feeling so down. You are not burdening anyone on here at all. I think it is great that you have come here to express how you are feeling and ask for help.It sounds like you are not getting much respect from people. You are trying to please them, would do anything to make them happy, yet that is not working. I am sorry the people around you are being so unpleasant. But there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You sound very caring and like a lovely person with much to give and offer. What I have come to learn is that if you let people take advantage of you, they will. We can try so hard to make people like us, and to keep people happy. But unfortunately, some people will use it to their own advantage. So after a while, a different way of dealing with people is needed. It can be really hard to be firmer with people, to speak up for yourself, to ask for money that is owed to you. We worry that people won't like us. But what have you got to lose? Trying to keep everyone happy is not working, so how about trying a different approach? It is not so much about why people are treating you badly. It is about why you are letting them treat you badly.My main suggestion would be to learn some assertiveness skills. There are some great books out there which explain the concepts of being assertive, and there are also courses which teach these skills. Do you think you could go to your doctor and explain how you are feeling, and ask about any groups or courses which might help? I think it all comes down to a lack of self-esteem and confidence, so if you could build those things up, I think that would be really helpful to you. It does not mean that you completely change or become aggressive. You just learn ways to deal with other people while still respecting your own needs. I have similar problems. I struggle in certain situations, in particular with friends. I try to keep everyone happy, and end up exhausting myself. I let myself be used and end up feeling angry and bitter. And I know how upsetting it can be. About a month ago, I too felt like I had reached my limit, like I had had as much as I could stand. So I knew things had to change. I had to change. And that is what I am doing. I am learning new ways of dealing with people, ways of being firm but fair. If trying to keep everyone else happy is destroying us, that is not really helpful to anyone, is it? People will only respect us if we respect ourselves first. I know all of this is easier said than done though, and all I can really do is give you words to read. I'm sure it won't really change the way you feel. Which is why I would encourage you to seek out groups and courses to learn to build your confidence, and to develop assertiveness. There are different ways to be in this world, ways which give you more power and encourage more respect from people. I promise. Again, please don't think it is you, because it is not. You are a wonderful person, but I think you need to become stronger with people, and not let them treat you the way you do. So please do find those resources and make those changes. You can do it. And if you start to feel too low again, please seek help immediately. Let people help you, don't struggle with this alone. Best wishes to you. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): You're not hated, you're a doormat. It really is that simple.Sorry to say that though, I don't want you to feel bad and I'm not trying to upset you but that's just the truth of it.You let people walk all over you, you give too much without asking for anything in return. That's a doormat.You say your a nice person, and while you might think that, I have to say that you're not. For the simple fact that by being so nice to people all the time you're not being nice to yourself. So in that sense you're not a nice person at all. Again please don't be upset, I'm trying to make a point, I'm not having a go at you.Being too nice is a very bad habit and you're now suffering the consequences of that. Look, people like people who are nice but they use and take advantage of people that are too nice. You have to be nice to yourself first. I don't mean be selfish or stop thinking about others, I'm talking about taking care of your interests, looking after yourself first and helping only those that deserve to be helped, those that would help you too, or those where it is in your own interests to help them.As a person who thinks they are nice, you might think that's a way of thinking you might not be comfortable with. That it's in your nature to be nice and you don't want to change who you are, balls to that I say! It's in no ones nature to be miserable because they don't like the idea of saying no to someone. It's in no ones nature to be used and treated like a fool.Healthy relationships with co-workers, boyfriends and friends are about symbiosis, you give, you get back. That's how it works.Nobody respects a doormat because they let people treat them like crap. You need to start demanding respect from people. You need to examine closely all your relationships, write it down if you need to but you need to make a list of people you know. On one side list the things you give them, help, comfort, time etc. then on the other list what they give back. You need to weed out the idiots in your life and you need to figure out who deserves you and who does not.In work you have to make a good account for yourself, you're working in a team which means you have a set task within that team. Now it's good to help out others in a team that's the nature of it but you need to stand up and focus on the quality of your own work and contribution to the team. If someone asks you to do something for them and you still have your own work to complete then say no. Saying no and expecting things in return for your actions are virtues, there are times to be selfless but if it gets you nowhere then it's time to stand up and say screw this, where's my piece of the pie?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): I understand your situation. As you are working many hours I know that you sure have stress of it. This is normal for most people. Sorry to hear about your bf about you.Actually, doesn't mean ending it all will put everything to an end. You will might think so, but in reality you are just trying to run away from it. So, try to overcome it. Try to be strong, since you have gone through all things by yourself, Im sure you can cope with this if you really want to.Everyone has their own complicated life's. No one life's is perfect. So do you, and so do I. I'm sure you have a religion, if Im not mistaken you are a Christian right? Pray more often, attend more church services. Try to be with God, pray to him, tell him your problems, and let Him understand it. And you will feel better eventually.Try to relax more often instead of stressing yourself to please others. Help is enough until a certain limit. Do not push yourself too hard as everyone has their own limits.Think positive, you have a greater day ahead coming and a wonderful life! Stay strong and be committed to yourself!Good Luck!
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