A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused4444
writes:Hi, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for approx 20 months. I love him very much and we get on really well. However, I am really struggling as he lives with his ex (they have lived together for 20 years now). I trust him and am positive he is not having a sexual relationship with her. However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult as he shares much more of his life with her then he does with me.Recently he has been quite ill and I haven't even been able to pop round and see him as his ex is there. Sounds very much like she has been looking after him (green eyed monster I know!) I just feel so far away from him.As yet I haven't met his family. He admits I haven't met his mum due to his ex not wanting me to (his mum lives in the same city) His brother and sister don't even know I exist.He says he can't move out due to debts and stuff, and a few months ago he actually said that he didn't want to, and couldn't imagine moving out. Im trying to deal with it as I don't want to loose him but I'm finding it really hard. I feel like I could never match up to her, I feel a bit like second fiddle.Can anyone give me any advice?Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): Dump him. Sex isn't everything in a relationship. Some marriages are sexless. Face it. This guy has been with her for 20 years - You are there for sex, she is there for the long haul. He's not leaving her and his family hasn't met you or doesn't know about you because YOU are the OTHER WOMAN.
A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Well you got to see the facts in this case,your the 2nd woman in this story..
If you love him and don't want to lose him then your going to have to deal with your feelings and get on with it,and say well he's at home with his woman but to hell with it,I'm getting some to and i love it,its likey he is rolling in the hey with her if they are still under the same roof,so don't kid yourself in that department..
If you really want to up the game in this story then tell him you've got another bloke on the side to and see how he deals with that..If your not happy in your role as the 2nd woman,then find someone else to have fun with..
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A
female
reader, Confused4444 +, writes (31 December 2008):
Confused4444 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for all of your advice. They share a rented flat together, and the lease seems very flexible. However, my boyfriend earns approx 90% of the house income so basically he supports his ex. I think one of the reasons he doesnt want to move out is beacuse he is worried about her (I don't know how she would support herself.)
I know that I need to bring this all up with him and I know this sounds stupid and a bit pathetic but I don't want to loose him.
I'm finding it really hard to deal with. It's New Years Eve tonight and he is going to be at home with his ex and I'm on my own. This is partly to do with him being ill at the moment but I feel so alone.
Thanks again for all of your advice.
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A
female
reader, Confused4444 +, writes (31 December 2008):
Confused4444 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your advice. They don't own the flat they live in, it's just rented. They have built up debt over the years (as we all have). My boyfriend earns 90% of the money that comes in, so he basically supports her too. I know it sounds stupid, I know that I need to bring this all out with him but I really don't want to loose him.
Thanks again for your time and advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Hmmmm......he is living with his supposed ex, has been for 20 years, but is dating you? You haven't met his Mother because his "ex" doesn't want you to? He can't move out because of debts and actually doesn't even wish to move out.Yep, the economy has really gone south particularly over the last months, and there are indeed instances of divorced couples remaining in the same house because they cannot afford to live separately. BUT the economy hasn't been that bad for that long! I mean, come on, surely he could have had the wherewithal to have left over the last years - IF he really wanted to.Sorry to say, it all sounds rather suspicious to me. He may be dating YOU, but I think he is much more attached to her than he is to you.Personally, I'd chuck him, if I were you. Not much future for the two of you by the sound of it - but its your call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Hey,
I'd say in this situation that you have a right to be the green eyed monster. Firstly I would talk to him, ask him how he would feel if you were living with your ex. Is there no way that they can both move out and live with family members, friends, rent somewhere etc? They obviously weren't happy together as they split up, so it must drive them crazy living together. It's great that you trust him, but make sure that he isn't just taking you for a ride, don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. As for meeting his mum, why haven't you met him yet? Why does his ex get to decide whether or not you meet her? It has nothing to do with her.
Make sure you stand up for yourself and let him know how you feel. I hope everything works out okay xox
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A
female
reader, katatonik  +, writes (30 December 2008):
 I feel for you as this is definitely an awkward situation.
If they own the place together, he probably isn't lying to you. I know there has been an increase in such living arrangements here in the US since the housing market has gone to shit; there was an article about it in the local paper here the other day. Couples who bought houses together and then divorced are now finding they must still live together as neither can afford to move out and there is no market to sell the home.
Do you own or rent your own place? Are you prepared to ask him to move in with you, or did you already ask him and he turned the idea down? You say you trust that there is not a sexual relationship between them. What you have to decide now is whether or not this trust is strong enough to let you accept his living situation. If not (and that is a completely valid attitude to have, by the way) it is best to let him go, as it doesn't sound like he will readily change his living arrangements. Best of luck.
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