A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 5 years. I'm 40 and she's 36. We met through a dating site and had a super intense sex life.Both of us have extensive sexual histories. She has had threesomes which she blames on an abusive ex and many partners and experiences. I've had around 45 partners, lots of one night stand stuff but I've done everything under the sun.2 years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer (very young age). I needed a prostatectomy or they basically told me I'd be dead in 5-10 years. I was devastated.I had always been in incredible shape, wrote for fitness magazines and had so much attention from my wife. She basically always would make comments about how great I was in bed etc. And that made me feel great.After my surgery it was determined that I had some local spreading so I needed radiation and hormone therapy.The hormone therapy lasted a year and a half and I'm just coming out of it now. During that time I had zero libido but I still tried. What really haunts me is a couple of comments my wife made during this period. First she "really misses" some of my sexual function. Second I asked her off the cuff about the effect on my size (stupid) and she answered in a way that really hurt.Reality is that I function fine 100% of the time and my size and everything is coming back to normal as my testosterone returns.Basically my mojo is coming back.Recently I made a comment kiddingly about a guy and wasn't expecting the answer she gave me about her past she didn't like my closed off response but I felt like if she hadn't told me about this before that maybe she was hiding something else. I can't get it out of my head. My wife talks openly about her past but I sometimes feel its a device to get to me. I made a choice to not tell her many things about my past because I know it would bother her.Anyway our relationship needs work big time. She's been amazing for me in so many ways but some of her comments are so insensitive and unloving to me that I'm struggling to keep my hurt in check.Advice is appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni thought I should add a little information to complete this story.We have 3 children, one from my previous marriage, one from her previous relatinship and one together. They are amazing beautiful children!One of the things my wife brought up and this was without me asking is how much she misses my ability to ejaculate and that she'll never have it again. With prostate cancer I lost most of my ability to produce semen so an orgasm is mostly dry.I function 100% of the time in terms of all my other function. I was very lucky with a skilled surgeon who save my nerves so the only difference in my sex life is that when I reach orgasm its dry.This is really painful for me to hear but I listened and was loving in the discussion saying that I miss it too. But it still really hurts because I'm not sure how to reconcile my feelings of inadequacy with a dry orgasm.And one more thing, I have always pleased my wife first usually 2-3 times before myself and still do but she still says she misses the other part of the experience.Please remember that this is something she brought to me. I did not ask.So if anyone has thoughts on this I would appreciate them.
A
female
reader, d'writer  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 First, sorry to hear about your wife's unhealthy comments. Second I admire you in your best effort to fight your illness, and third I admire you for coming up in the open to seek advice.You wife should support you in every way most especially this time that you are in such situation. A genuine love does not only base on how good you are to sexually satisfy your better half.I for one, I am in a LDR and my man admitted that after his accident his size shrunk and he lost his one ball. But I accepted the way he is. He is also limping when he walks and that's also accepted.If you can have a quiet talk with your wife and express what you are feeling about her comments and everything that's bothering you (in a low tone voice and diplomatic way). You can gauge in her reaction how deep is her love for you....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 March 2011):
 The old saying about not asking questions you don't want the answer to is true. It sounds to me more than anything that you're just not dealing well with the idea that your wife has an extensive sexual past. You should be happy your wife feels comfortable enough with you to tell you about it, and you should be happy that she is honest with you.
I agree with the first poster that you are in a way feeling bad about your understandable inability to perform sexually and are projecting your feelings onto your wife. Counseling might be a good option for dealing with the hurt your cancer caused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni appreciate the responses. Not sure I need to get over myself. I've been on hormone therapy for 18 months and it really alters the way a person thinks and feels. In my healthy state of mind I wouldn't feel this way but I do.In any event the responses are appreciated. I have taken this opportunity to become a spokesperson for one of the top cancer hospitals in the country. Its been very fulfilling.Thank you all for taking the time to respond and I do take all the advice to heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): You beat Cancer, great!!!!!!.....when we face real life battles like you have, and the threat of death etc etc.... after many knocks we are turned inside out upside down. We realize how fragile we really are. After what you have experienced and WON!!!!!:) you should feel like a winner....you were knocked off your feet, and in time, you will become strong again (self)confidence will be at it's peak again. You don't sound conceited to me...you sound 'sensitive' to me...and when we experience cancer or the like it's not JUST A KNOCK it's a a Fxxxxxx will to LIVE and you need every bit of EGO and Spirit to survive and word's of comfort to rebuild what was shattered.Live your life to it's fullest and remember your lady stood by your side, and came through it with you....past should mean nothing now ,only the present and future because you have one.Good Luck :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): I may have sounded a bit harsh on you in my first post but I only said the things I said to give you a wake-up call..I still mean them though....That said, I realise that you are recovering from a life threatening disease but I urge you to use your near death experience to appreciate what you have got in life ie your wife, family and friends...Why start re-living the past when you came so close to losing your future??....Doesnt make sense.....If you are feeling insecure, tell your wife honestly and apologise for nit-picking...Tell her from your heart you just need some reassurance as you have been pretty shaken up by the past event of your illness....Dont start by tring to ruin a future you almost didnt have....Make the best you can of yourself, your marriage and being the best person you can be ie best husband, best father(if you are or it happens), best family etc...You have truly overcome and your wife stood by you through all this....Show her you appreciate her..It must have been hard for her too to see you ill....I say let this experience make you a stronger, better person physically and spiritually
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Honestly OP I think you're just being hypersensitive to little things that don't matter.
Your illness completely took away all your physical strength and power for a long time, it no doubt made you feel weak and powerless. Especially after spending so long building all that. You see you took a big hit when you got cancer, it completely ripped everything physical that you had spent most of your life creating away from you in the space of a year and there was nothing you could do.
As a person who has been working out religiously for the past few years but has had lapses of laziness and idleness through illness I can kind of relate, but nothing compared to cancer.
You see the drastic change in your body coupled with a total feeling of no control over your destiny must have completely devastated you, you've spent years working your ass off to be a powerful, big, strong man and when that was taken away you were lost, on top of that you had to fight cancer.
Dude you asked her questions based on your overwhelming insecurity developed through the physical wastage you suffered. You asked her questions that you really didn't want to know the answer to because you already did so why ask them? Now you're obsessing about those answers when she's probably said millions of reassuring things about this subject matter, but your insecurity is only focusing on these things. Because they reinforce in your mind your feeling of powerlessness.
Look man, I'm not judging, you've basically spent the past couple of years fighting for your life. No one expects you to regain your mental health so soon, the effects of your struggle with cancer are still there and they've made you hypersensitive to anything that proves to you in your mind that you're no longer the man you once were and that maybe you're not as good as that man was but you're wrong.
You're more of a man now than you ever were, you fought cancer, survived and are slowly building your body and mind back up again.
Dude the questions you asked her are borne of insecurity, they're the equivalent of a her asking you if she's fat. Making jokes about being fat etc. and not letting the matter drop. The thing is she is your wife, so if she asked you if she was fat and she really had put on a lot of weight, would you lie to her and say she hadn't when the weight gain is so obvious? How would you feel if she kept bringing that topic up all the time, in the form of jokes about her weight or asking you if she's less attractive because of it. You'd feel trapped because there is no right answer, you can't lie and the truth will only hurt her. What do you do? If you say nothing she'll tkae that as an answer itself. This is the position you're putting her in.
It's you who keeps bringing this topic up, you're the one that keeps asking these questions and you're the one making jokes about other guys and about her past.
No offence my friend but it's kind of a double standard too, you won't tell her all of your past because you don't want to upset her, yet you're asking her the same type of questions when you know they'll only upset you. How does that make sense to you?
Well done for fighting hard and getting to where you are now, I'm sure you feel pride but it's not over yet. Your mind still hasn't healed completely, that powerlessness is not gone because you learned the hard way it can be taken away from you again at any moment.
Counseling might help, it surely couldn't hurt. But you have to remember OP life is about now, not about the past and we can't predict the future so we just have to work toward the unknown and always keep going.
Stop asking questions that you don't want to hear the answer to, stop trying to find a problem where there isn't one.This woman stuck with you when everything physical was taken away from you, when you felt at your weakest, when you were at your lowest physically, mentally and emotionally, when you could no longer keep up your sexual activity to the levels it had been previously. She stayed through all that and is still here, why are you asking her questions like that and focusing on words when her actions clearly show you're the man for her and that she will stick by you no matter what?
Her comments where insensitive? No offence dude then why ask the questions? Honestly think to yourself what your reason for asking those questions was when you knew you might not like that answer. Ask yourself why this matters to you more than all the other things she's done. They're just words dude, they're just a couple of small comments in about 2 years of being an amazing wife. Let these go. Don't feel about any of it. Your rebuilding your body, your mind will take a lot longer to mend, take it day by day and please stop stressing the little things and stop bringing up topics of conversation that you know will only upset you.
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A
female
reader, randomnickname  +, writes (27 March 2011):
Ouch! I can imagine how that would hurt your self esteem. I think your wife was trying to be 100% honest with you. It sounds like you guys are very open with each other and I think she was keeping that attitude. However, a bit of tact or sensitivity wouldn't have gone astray. Did you tell her how her comments made you feel? Maybe she needs to imagine how she would feel if you highlighted her insecurities.I'm glad your mojo is coming back. Best way to get your confidence back and show her how "manly" you can be is to get back to your old self.BTW, congrats on beating the cancer! :-D
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Quite hypocritical...'I made a choice not to tell her many things about my past because I know it may bother her' and then in the same breath you wonder what else she is hiding from you because something you did not know before came out??...And when she does talk about her past you accuse her of using it as a device to get you????... Really dude you need to get over yourself....You are hidings things yet demanding she tell all, I mean every tindly bit......So its one rule for you and another for her.....If you are so big on knowing everything , how about you tell ALL about your 'past'...You are being vague about the ways she allegedly hurt you feelings but I think you are just conceited and because your confidence took a knock during your illness you are finding someone else to blame ie your wife...Stop this behaviour at once...You are more a problem than she is and you need to really get over yourself love your wife unconditionally and grow up
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