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My wife told me she wants to be single and live by herself!

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Question - (4 December 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, *cottyASwank writes:

Im 23 years old and my wife is 21. We knew eachother for 4 years dated for 2 years and have been married for 1 year. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is tired of being a mom and wife, she says she still loves me but she just wants to be single and live by herself. I don't want her to leave and I've tried everything. I tried that love dare book from the movie fireproof and I thought that was working but she just accused me of just acting and blew me off. I was at fault to though, I would play videogames non stop, so to show her that I didn't need them I gave them away. After we talked about everything she agreed to work things out with me. So for a couple of days she everything was going fine, but then she tells me that she put a down payment on an apartment and that shes leaving. I don't know what to do! I can't stand this pain that im feeling and I really wish she would just stay with me. The tears keep flowing down my cheeks and I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice for me I would really appreciate it.

Thank you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010):

If she leaves you and abandons her child get a good lawyer and make her pay through the nose in child support.

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A male reader, soon567 United States +, writes (4 December 2010):

I am looking at your responses here and shaking my head unbelievable. Look for a shelf or mantel, yes look for it. Stick your manhood there if you want this woman. The last thing she wants is to be around you. She has thought this thought about leaving you. All this begging is looking pathetic to her now. Get off your knees and man up dude. In her mind she’s leaving and no matter how much you beg, she’s not giving in.

Forget it she has nobody else and I bet at this point she doesn’t want anyone and that’s includes you as well. Move her, but either you vacate the home until you move her or you put them somewhere that she can think without you. I know it’s scary but this is the only way you’re going to get her back.

She wanted a man that would smother her with affection instead she got a boy who could only play video games for a high score. You lost she’s out! Do not threaten to get custody of the child because your goal is to have her in your life, she will resent you for that. This maybe a long process, but you need to decide is it worth it to you. You changed now prove it. Do it as she was still living with you and yes you need to make sure she has everything that she needs. You have a child to think of and plus she wouldn’t need a man if she was making it. I know that what’s eating your mind up. I been through this and it took me about 3 months before she was ready to come back.

You need to be and active dad more than you are now and if you don’t know how to see after that kid from days at a time than learn. You need to take him and give her a break. Let her go out because that what’s your aiming for. You’re going to have to date her all over again. You’re going to need to chase her once more, but this time mean it timing is the key. I would give her a few weeks and only see her when I come for the child. Don’t pry into her life its none of your business and I am sure she’ll tell you that.

She’s not walking away but she does need time away from you. She’s not asking for a divorce and the longer she stays with you the more the pathetic begging going to keep com9ing from you. Something she doesn’t need to see. You’re going to find a way to show her that you appreciate her and her efforts and it doesn’t matter whom fault it was because you want this, heck she leaving.

My advice to you is to man up and take care of your family, show her that man she wanted to be with and she be back before you know it.

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (4 December 2010):

QuirkLady agony auntRight now you have to let her go. I'd bet she is tired and feeling used and lonely. Give her some space, and then show her that you have changed. And I mean really change, don't be good just when she's looking. Be a good father to your daughter. If the love is still there, and you're being a good man, she may come back to you.

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A male reader, Love-Wisely United States +, writes (4 December 2010):

Love-Wisely agony auntI'm sorry you are going through this. No matter what, the coming weeks and months will be extremely difficult.

Sometimes the best way to love someone is: to set them free. Be patient and respect of her feelings and her need for space. You already made a number of valiant efforts to convince her to stay. Now you must show her you are willing to patiently wait also.

My first long term relationship ended after 1-year. My GF wanted to be single and do her own thing. It came right before the holidays, and I was a wreck. No matter what I did to convince her to stay, it only pushed her away faster. Finally after some embarrassing displays: I let go.

3-months later, she came back. She was more loving than ever. Patience with her self-exploration was extremely tough for me, but, it bought us two more years of a much improved relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010):

My guess is that she is not ready to settle down and be fully committed as she has other things she wants to do. This normal as it comes with maturity and getting older. This is one of the risks one takes when getting married young. It sounds youve put a lot into the marriage and that is well noted man. Best thing you can do is put some logic into this emotional strain thatll help balance things and hopefully lessen the tears cause when things make sense, us humans I think find a little more security in it. Good luck here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010):

The hazards of marrying young friend. I'm the same age as you, and would never even consider it. I am so sorry for you. You learned the hard way that women CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!! Realistically though any woman that would desert her husband and child should be hung. You are better off with her gone, trust me.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (4 December 2010):

jonas agony auntIf I'm not wrong, both of you marry when she's pregnant. It could be a case of married for the sake of the baby. I think she's not ready for marriage and for motherhood. But what's done cannot be undone.

What you could do is try to lighten her load, perhaps she finds it hard to juggle btw career and family. Help her out with the chores, help her out with babysitting the baby. Let her know that you are there to support her. It would be great if you could get the in-laws or your parents to help out. Occasionally go for a night out weekly or bi-weekly and reminisce those dating days. Let her feel loved and important that you love her for who she is, not bcos she's there to cook for you and babysit the baby.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (4 December 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntShe is still young and her mind is flooded with different wants and desires. She may have thought she was but in fact, she is not ready for that kind of life. It is good that you made an effort, now you know that it was not you.

Give her some time to live alone and be single. Take care of your daughter so your wife can freely explore being what she wants to be. Do this and she may change her mind.

As much as I wish to help you smile again, I cannot and I shall not lie. There is a chance she will not return to you or your daughter, that is when you will have to move on. If she finds someone else, you will know to find someone too.

Right now there is no reason why you two cannot still be friends, for the sake of your daughter at least. She can be single but she still has a responsibility as a mother and if she chooses to turn away from that responsiblity, why bother wasting your love on her anyway if she is willing to turn away from her own innocent child?

Be patient.

I hope that helps.

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