A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok My son,s father has a grown daughter, 23 hrs old, whom lives with him on/off (when she is not at her boyfriends) and now I find out that he has been paying her car note which is almost 400 dollars a month. Her and I have never gotten along as I always thought of her was selfish, lazy, and a mooch. Well I wouldn't have a problem with this if it wasn't,t for the fact that he is always borrowing money from me. He cannot even take our son to get wings for a Sunday football game without asking me if I have 20 dollars for them to get food. He always says he'll pay me back and does not. I know how much my son enjoys these games and don,t want him not to go or eat/be hungry. Recently took him to the docs and paid for visit and meds cause his lack of money. He makes almost 25 grand more a yr than me and he pays me a lil over 200 child support every 2 wks. Whenever I ask him for any additional money for our sons school lunches, music lessons etc he says he would love to help me but he's all tapped out babe. His child support pays the daycare with nothing left over. I am usually robbing Peter to pay Paul re bills. His other daughter whom is 16 will ask for money for cheerleading, sims games, comp etc and he will usually get it for her. Her mother gets child support from him too but I believe it is less than 200 every 2 weeks. Well today, I told him that I was done, through. We've had problems in the past but finding out for the past several months that he has been paying her car note was a bit much while I'm struggling with our son. I dont spend anything on myself will occasionally hit the clearance rack for clothes twice a yr that's it don't drink smoke etc. When income taxes roll around take our son on a yrly trip that he throws back in my face whenever I do ask him for extra cash. What do you guys think? For years I have been told I am this mans doormat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks once again honey pie for your advice. My problem is I always try to see the positive while ignoring the negative. I think my most recent diagnosis has me evaluating things in my life as this relationship has drained me so much over the years. Bottom line I am screwed in a sense by my values and beliefs. I live in a make believe world where yes my son has a father that loves him, but working in the field I do, it's really neglect on his part. Your right, I am taking a breather so to speak and plan on spending quality time with my child. My diagnosis was a wakeup call to me and whAtever time I have left, well, I want to enjoy every moment with him. It's time to end the fantasy, I guess I hung around this man believing as everyone does that he is the prince charming, you've created life with and you'll live happily ever after. Isn't it funny how life throws you a curve ball.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 December 2011):
 Sorry for the late answer, yes I would not want to be with him. I think it's nice that he still feels responsible for his daughter, but all he does is enabling her into being a grown spoiled brat opposed to a child spoiled brat.
I think your son needs a happy and healthy mother. If that lean leaving him, the so be it.
One thing, I would suggest for you, is to stop looking at what he does for his daughter, it's not something you can make him change. In some ways I think it is his own passive-aggressive way of controlling you.
You are letting his actions rule your life. And don't forget the saying, monkey see, monkey do.. which means you son is learning some of his behavior from you two. How to treat women mainly from his dad, that is not what you would want for your son, I bet you.
You need to start putting YOU first. (and your son) No one else is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso want to add that idont think it's fair to my son or emotionally healthy for him to see daddy going that extra mile for his daughters from his previous marriage and telling my son he has to cancel plans cause he's broke unless his mom can spot him the cash. It is not fair to me either. This has been going on for 13 years. This daughter that is grown he paid her mother child support till she aged out. Now he pays for the other child who is still a minor Ok understandable. I'm sorry but I do not agree w you anonymous. I think that if given a voice between a minor child or a grown woman who blew off college choosing to smoke marijuana and work at target part time then that minor Childs needs come first. He has been shirking off his responsibilities onto me and yes I have not aggressively pursued it in the past but now that I am Sick, I believe a lot of the stress he caused me over the years contributed to my illness. No I wasn't married to him like his ex , His 23 yr old told him when she was a teen that if we married she would never talk to him again. She cried when she found out I was pregnant w her brother. Like I told honey pie I have put up w so much from this person that honestly, I think I am probably a dumb fool for having stuck it out for so long. I am a spiritual person who tries to live a righteous life (do onto others) but I think vie had enough. I advise everyone who is considering having a relationship w anyone to really consider the baggage that may be added to that relationship. I am so grateful for my son but in my 20s I should've and could've done a lot better than a nearing 40 yr old drunk w ex wife and kid issues
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't fault him for spending money on his other children, but the problems he doesn't go that extra mile for our son. His ex receives child support too. The child support I receive goes towards the cost of daycare alone and then everything else I pay from basic needs to everything for our child. I even give him cash when he didn't have money to pay his doc,s copayment and medicine which came out to sixty dollars. I also buy this and that (oh babe can you pick me up sugar and bread etc) Even if he is paying his daughters car payment, and that will cont till 2014. When do u cut your grown kids off and focus on the minor children's needs?? I am exhausted, live paycheck to paycheck and am usually about 200 short every month w bills. I have recently been diagnosed with health ailments and he is healthy as can be (despite his habits). His adult dAughter comes and goes and she is a slob who does nothing around that home of his. She has taken over the only available room as he lives in a 2 br apt and my son has no place to sleep when he visits dad. She did not even get her father a birthday gift for his birthday even as he supports her at 23 yrs of age. He should have around 1200 left over every month even when he pays her car note, but is always broke. He says he is a compulsive gambler at casinos and he does drink excessively.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding to my question Honeypie. Can I ask you, if you were me, would you leave this man? This is the tip of the iceberg for me as I have been struggling with this for quite some time. I have been with him for 13 years and my son adores him. I have survived infidelity, abandonment from him when our son was born, emotional and verbal abuse when he is drunk which is often. But he is one of my only friends and we have child and history together. I also have health problems which may limit my lifespan if I don't make some drastic changes in my life. You seem kind and intelligent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): he may make a lot more money than you but he's also paying child support to another woman and supporting a grown daughter. And you can't fault him for that, they are his children too. I think it's understandable that he's maxed out despite his higher income. I don't think you can make a judgment call that he should be spending more money on your son and less money on his daughter. I mean, she's his kid too. Most likely the other ex-wife is asking him why can't he spend more money on their daughter instead of (insert something that he spent money on for your son).
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2011):
Stop giving him money. Instead of giving him money put them aside for YOU to do stuff with your son.
Unfortunately, CS doesn't cover 1/2 the costs of raising a child. HE should know that, but honestly I don't think he cares.
Personally I would just assume that the 200 per 2 weeks is all you get from him. But I would still ask for help with items he needs, you never know maybe he will cough up for his son too at some point, I just wouldn't expect it.
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