A
female
age
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*rokenheared
writes:My son just turned 21, and simply has no time for me.Or should I say it is a real effort for him to go anywhere with me. This saddens me so deeply. I did the stupid thing and gave him everything not only money but so much love. His friends are far more important than me, and now he generally ends up lying to me. He never was like before saying hurtful statements, and blames me for every girl that he breaks up with because at one time I made a negative comment about her. Thoughts anyone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): I don't have kids, but I do remember being 21 (I'm 38 now). I have to tell you, that was definitely an age where I broke away from my parents to live my own life. Its not that I didn't love them (I still do) but at that age where I could now legally drink, I had my own "adult" friends, I lived in my own place... the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my parents. Its just that age... you were there, you remember that. At 21, we're much more so legally adults than we were at 18.
I mean, I knew if I had any real trouble, I could go back to them (I did end up moving back in when I was 25 for a year), but more or less, I just wanted to be my own person and not so-and-so's daughter anymore. My brother before me was the same, my sister after me was the same.
He's not your little your boy anymore, in every way, shape or form, he's a man now. You have to let him go, let him do his own thing. This is a good thing.
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (23 April 2009):
 Hello Dear,
I am also a mother of 16 years old girl. I know somehow, someday she will left me too for her own life.
Dont we think that sometimes we have to start to learn how to let go? That one day or time will come that our Children will try to start to build their own life too! Just like the same what we did. He is your Son and he will be forever, it will never be change thats 100% sure. What about giving him a little space and time so that he can realise what is he really like to do for his own life? He is 21 and this is the start that he will try to learn something new what is coming to his life. He knew that you are always be there for him. He know where to go when he needed somebody who can he really rely on and he knew its you. For sure its hurt to us as a mother who take care of them since they are baby but we have to learn how to let go. We have to accept that one day they will build their own life and all we can do is just support them Emotionaly even Finacialy if its needed. Dont worry dear, He will be fine and he will never forget you.. Good luck..
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female
reader, Miss Karma Louise  +, writes (23 April 2009):
This wont help much But Heres a little quote i picked up before:
"your daughters are your daughters for life,but your son is only your son untill he finds a wife".
If you cant make eny sense out of that??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): He needs space. Most kids start to distance themselves from their parents at that age. You should be understanding, or he will distance himself for good. Other relationships will be more important to him. Let him grow up, and start building other relationships of your own. Develop hobbies. Enjoy all of the things you had to give up when you had kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): It sure sounds like he is acting like a spoiled brat. (Sorry if that sounds harsh) Maybe it would be best to give him a swift kick into reality and tell him to get his own place. He will then see how much you have supported and loved him all these years and will appreciate you for the great Mom you are. There is no reason he should ever speak to you in a harsh manner and you need to make that clear, if he treats you like that I'm sure that's why his girlfriends don't last long. Be strong and make him take care of himself,(no cash, no help from you at all) he can then lie to whomever he likes and worry about adult problems since he thinks he's King!!!!
Good luck and BE STRONG, it's for his own good in the end.
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reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (23 April 2009):
 look i am a 20 year old girl and i can sorta see the situation.
he knows your too easy on him he NEEDS a tough hand he NEEDS you to say NO when he asks for things and the reason for girlfriends is his way of saying like your not letting him spread his wings enough
you're trying too hard and not letting him go his own way enough!
he will at this stage in his life think his friends are more important than family1
but let him
just act like you don't care!
let him be with his mates when he realises your giving him his freedom and time with mates and stuff he'll come back to you with comfort.
you need to let him lose a bit stop trying to love him and let him go let him experience things on his own then when he needs you he'll call.
try not to smother him it'll push him further away from you and don't lend him money!
he'll keep coming back because he'll find it too easy.
make him work at it!
let him know it's not just that easy to say money please
and done he's got it
make him work hard to get it
EARN IT the hard way
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (23 April 2009):
 Honey, you have to let your son grow up - he is 21 and needs to spread his wings. Yes, his friends are more important to him as he is now making a life for himself. I wonder if he is lying to you because you are too clingy and dependant on him? He is fighting for his independance from you that is why you need to let him go.
As far as the girlfriends go, reserve your comments, if they are not suitable he will find out soon enough.
It is hard letting go so I suggest that you find a hobby to keep yourself occupied. I understand what you are going through, it is called "empty nest syndrome' where you feel useless cos your kids are all grown up and are leaving home [or trying to]. If you seriously cannot come to terms with his independance, contact a counsellor to help you cope.
I know what you are going through as I am currently experiencing something similar, my son is 23 and my daughter is 18. Nobody said raising kids was going to be easy.
Mail me if you want to chat further!
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (23 April 2009):
 Stop giving him money. If he lives at home, suggest he move out so you "don't interfere with his relationships" anymore. Don't pay any of his bills. Don't bail him out if he gets into trouble. It's time for some tough love.
Of course he doesn't want you right now, you have never let him want for anything, especially your attention. He has always been allowed to have whatever and whoever he wanted. Make yourself unavailable to him (but of course still be loving) and I'm sure when he gets over his initial anger, you will see him come running back home.
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