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My sister's new boyfriend RAPED me 4 years ago... how do I handle this???

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Question - (14 February 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 2 January 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, *zraMayweather writes:

About 4 years ago, I was raped. I was 15 at the time, I am 19 now. I never told anyone but my sister. And I told her to never tell anyone. She gave me her promise. (She is 24 now) it all happend on april 4th 2004. I was coming home from visiting my brothers grave site and this handsome guy walked up next to me and was asking me where I was headed, I told him home. Than he asked did I need a ride, and I told him no, I lived on the other side and it would be too far.... he said okay and walked away, as I approached the corner a car drove up next to me two men jumped out, I saw his face! It was the same guy who asked me if I need the ride, him and a friend put me in the back of the car and told me to not scream or they would kill me before Jesus got my prayers. As they drove me to where they were taking me I could see his friend (the driver) had immediate remorse, he was really quiet and didn't look me in my face not once. But the guy next to me was just rubbing my legs telling me how if I behaved he would make a woman out of me. I knew than what was going to happen, he was a big guy, similar to Reggie Bush's size of the New Orlean Saints and I was fairly little.

They drove to another graveyard and his friend got out the car to smoke a cigarette, that's when he began to kiss me, I started to do what I saw from the Lifetime movies, I started kicking and swinging, once I got that blow to my jaw, I realized this wasn't a lifetime movie at all, it was real life, and I was about to be raped.... and I did. I cried and begged him to stop.... I felt my body almost tearing in two. He stopped and pushed me out the car and told his friend to come. His friend looked at me and shook his head then the sped off. I never forgot his face. Once I got home I never told anyone, only because my brother had been murdered 1 week prior to my incident, and my mother was dealing with that as it is. And I didn't want to cause her any more pain.

I told my sister and it killed her that I didn't want anyone to know. But she respected my wishes. I ended up finding out I was pregnant a month later, but I was in a relationship at the time. And my boyfriend does believe that our son is his. (I never told him either) but deep inside I don't know what to believe. And my christian background wouldn't allow me to abort. Long story short, my sister had been bragging about this wonderful guy she had met and we all were curious to meet this man... who in her words was "Gods gift to Women" low in behold it was that same man. When I saw him my heart sank, and I fell to my knees. Not becuase he scared me, but because my son is damn near his 4 year old twin! And I knew then and there the thruth was out.

My mom asked me was I okay but I told her it was a "Charlie horse". I went to my room and burst into tears, I put that behind me and tried to move on from it the best way I could.... and my past came back to haunt me.... my mom loves him, my sister puts him on a pedestal, and the worst part is my son looks just like him, they wrestle and play video games together. It feels like the world is falling from under me..... I don't know what to do, I can't bear this burden alone. I'm at my ropes end. Please readers, help my dying soul.

View related questions: christian, move on, swinging, video games

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A female reader, Imnot United States +, writes (2 January 2010):

Imnot agony auntWill one thing is for sure you should confront your sisters new boyfriend/your raper you sound like you want to keep this a secret but this is not something you keep to yourself you have to tell your sister and your mom also because the truth will come out and it may be tough but its better you do it now than never and have it come out later all at the bad time. You may not want to hurt your sister or your mom and husband or boyfriend not sure but you have to tell them and they should all understand... Goodluck:)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009):

talk to the police, let your sister know, let your husband know. Be very secretive if you still think he may threaten your life.

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A female reader, EzraMayweather United States +, writes (15 February 2009):

EzraMayweather is verified as being by the original poster of the question

EzraMayweather agony auntThank you all. Your advice really helped me in my deepest darkest hour. I was on the verge of ending it all in an instant. But I realized, I will not play the victim any more, I will stand up and I will fight this thing. I haven't spoke to any of my family members yet but I have hired an attorney.....that is the first step. If any of you are interested in this any longer, please send me youe emails in my inbox and I will keep you update....and may need more advice when family and friend sjust aren't enough. Thank you so much. All of you, from all over the world, from diffrent walks of life, all with stories of your own. I thank you. Stay in touch!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009):

Tell your sister obviously. Tell her that it is him.NOW.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009):


What has happened is horrible. But people only have power over you if you allow yourself to keep their secrets.

Your boyfriend does not deserve to have such a lie paraded infront of his eyes. To be made to believe he is a father, when he is not. It's not fair in him or the child.

Your sister deserves to know what her boyfriend is capable of doing. If she chooses to continue a relationship with him after having recieved this information, then it's her risk to run. He may very well have changed (though the fact he hasn;t at all made any attempt to make amends with you at all, makes me thing he hasn't). But he may not have.

Your sister needs to know the risks. You cannot, in good concsience, let her fly blind into this.

Eventually you child will also have to know his father. His REAL father. Whether he wants to keep knowing him after that, is his business.

Wy are you keeping silent about this man and the things he is able to do? Why protect him but keeping his secret?

Out him. And let the others judge himas they will. Once you have come clean about the lies you have told (not without reason) you will be absolved of all responsibiliy in the things that happen to the adults afterwards.

Living lies is no way to get anywhere.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009):

Please visit this website when you are ready to get help: and or call them toll free at 1.800.626.Hope.

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A female reader, kathy255 United States +, writes (14 February 2009):

Omg sweetie tell your sister tell your mom, hell tell the cops I'm sure the statute of limitations has not run on a rape case. You are already in so deep please tell someone. In my family we learned at a young age to never keep secrets like that. I understand you are scared but this will haunt you forever if you don't deal with it. I'm so sorry things like this should never happen to a woman. I don't know why people are like that. If you can't talk to your family about it go to a church and pray for guidence the lord will help you through this. Talk to your preacher or priest maybe get an appointment with a therapist who specilizes in rape victims. You need someone to help you some one who has your back. Your family will not be mad at you... have faith.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009):

First. Go talk to someone. Call your local "rape hotline" whatever that may be called in your city. Call someone, anyone--a professional. They will help you deal with this. You don't have to deal with this alone. Everyone makes mistakes (you not telling in the first place), now you have to figure out how to deal with this.

Good Luck. Everything is going to be fine, but you have a rough road ahead of you. So does your son if you don't get this taken care of.

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A female reader, Dazed~Confused Canada +, writes (14 February 2009):

Dazed~Confused agony auntWhat this man did is unforgivable. I think you should report him to the authorities. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that in the US there is a 7 year statue of limitations on rape, so you could still press charges.

I think that you owe it to you and your family to be honest about this man. For one thing, he shouldn't be walking the streets. It's likely that he has assaulted young women before you and since. Also, you never know what could happen with regard to him and your sister. What if he gets stressed or angry one day and hurts her?

With regard to your son, that's a tough one because he has grown up believing another man is his father. However, I am a firm believer that biology has nothing to do with being a parent.

I think you should be honest with everyone. Your sister from the sounds of it loves you and I don't think she would want to be with the man who assaulted you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009):

I wish you had told the authorities back when it happened this man is a sociopath with charm and he is conning your sister and your mom. I think you owe it to your sister to tell her he is the man who raped you.....

You might first want to go to a counselor or talk to your minister, a neutral third party to help you through this crisis, possibly they would be there when you tell this to your sister. And if you are still involved with your boyfriend, he will have to know to. A DNA test can be conducted to determine the paternity of your son, but if you don't want him to have any rights to your son I guess you could either not do the test and keep quiet or have him sign his parental rights away. I don't know what the statute of limitations are on a rape, but you may even be able to prosecute him, or to help the police nail him on another rape offense, because I can assure you weren't the last....that is the sad part about you not reporting the rape, he has surely had other victims since you in the last 4 years.

Don't beat yourself up about any of this. Your reaction not to tell is a very normal one from rape victims....and I hope that you have received some counseling for this as it will effect you for many years if you did not get some help.

I hope you get through this, but you absolutely owe it to your sister to tell her the truth about this man...he is dangerous, he is a sociopath, a man without conscience and he has shown violence towards you. People who are sociopaths can be very charming and manipulative that is how they get their victims....and they target good people who trust others.

I am very sorry this is coming back into your life and I will say my prayers for you.....first go tell someone neutral, and then tell your family and be prepared for a range of emotions from them....but you will get through this.

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A female reader, mabby09 United States +, writes (14 February 2009):

oh dear that is horrible...u kept everything to yourself for one, women who gets raped wont tell anyone and thats not good. but since hes part of your life thats even a bigger problem...just watch your back...u said ur son look like him...just like a christian would say "truth will set u free" i think u should tell them. and i hope best for you hun.

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