A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My sister has been dating her boyfriend for almost four years but I still barely know him. Since I know she's going to marry him, I want to establish a good relationship but his behavior has made that difficult. In conversation, he does not engage.My sister and I also call each other about three times a month to catch up because she lives far away. During these calls, he will either interrupt our conversation if he is in the room to insert his own thoughts on whatever we are talking about or ignore the phone call entirely and tell my sister that he needs help with cooking, cleaning, or some other task at that exact moment. When my sister explains that she is in the middle of a phone call, he will just repeat his request or imply she needs to end it. Sometimes he will tell her to end the call because he wants to sleep, except the bedroom is in another part of the house and he wouldn't be able to hear anyway. She will usually do what he says, and it will shorten our call. This has happened every time I call her over the past several months, and since we already don't call very often, I don't understand what his problem is. Am I wrong in thinking this is not normal behavior? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): How much do you want to bet that he'd cut any phone-call or visit short from anybody, no matter who it is? You're considered a competitor for her time, affection, and loyalty. Some people demand your complete and utter loyalty in exchange for their "ownership." That means your love is all theirs, not shared. It belongs to them and only them!
This sort of dominant and controlling-personality will go out of their way to sever close family-connections; so they'll be their partner's single and foremost-priority. They are selfish beyond words! They are short and unfriendly to family and friends; and will behave the same even with neighbors or colleagues who seem to get too close. They are jealous, possessive, controlling; and relentless about staying isolated and away from other people. They don't like imposing and friendly-neighbors; and they value their privacy and isolation over being a part of the community.
He wants to be the center of her universe. He is consistently conditioning her to respond when he gives her the cue to "disconnect." If you want to modify someone's behavior, consistency is how you do it. He'll draw her away from family by abruptly intercepting outside-contact. He'll always correct what she says, and end her sentences for her. He'll pretend he doesn't hear her when she disagrees. He'll always overrule her decisions, and reprimand her for disobedience. That's how they do it. If any of this seems familiar; it's because sooner or later, we'll all meet one!
That kind of behavior is monstrous. She will become totally emotionally-dependent on him; and as time passes, he will try to pull her further and further from anyone and everyone bearing a strong and close emotional-connection. He'll convince her everyone is trying to weaken their relationship, and confuse her. He will convince her she's weak-minded, and she needs his protection.
That won't be the case, if your sister is her own woman. She'll give him a certain amount of latitude; then she'll push-back. If your sister a timid-type, was always easily swayed by peer-pressure, needs male-validation, and has always liked boys nobody-else likes. She's a prime-candidate! Just the type of woman these controlling-men seek! If she yields to him to please him, don't always misconstrue that with being controlled. They probably do it back and forth, and it's just their way. You know your sister, and you've apparently been observing her behavior when she's around him.
Your sister has already allowed him to pull her some distance away from family-support. His systematic-brainwashing started from the day they met each-other. If she has a personality that always gives-in to whatever the guy wants; you'll have little choice but to deal with it. You can't change her. Experience and the school of hard-knocks will do that. Hardheaded-people tend to listen more to the people who'll hurt them; before they'll take advice, or let you talk any sense into them. They learn only the hard-way! She's an adult. You can't run her life. Love makes people deaf, dumb, and blind!
He will show indifference or curtness towards anybody she seems to show any special-affection for; or might hold any kind of influence over her. People who submit to controlling-people will not usually listen to the warnings and advice from others. They see this obsession and possessiveness as love. It's a distorted-perception people develop when they've felt rejected too many times, and are ruled by their insecurities. It's a common-misconception often found in inexperienced-females; who have misguided-notions about romantic-love, and uncertain of the real definition of masculinity. They feel safe with men like you describe her boyfriend to be. Too many failed-relationships also makes us very vulnerable and susceptible to controlling-people. You want to feel loved without question. They can persuade you to think that's how they feel about you.
Maybe she likes the dominant male-type. He's a take-charge guy, who makes her feel she's regarded as the most precious and prized-person in his life. Like she's all he's got, and all he will ever need. It might even be true! He's just not all that wild about you! I wouldn't let it get to me, if I were in your shoes!
Ignore him. Continue calling your sister whenever you please. Encourage all your family to keep closely in-touch with her. If you notice suddenly she's cut-off; and you can no longer get her to spend time, or chat with you...it's him! Nothing much you can do about it, if she willfully submits to his control. Controlling-people work on you in subtle-ways at first; then they become more bold about it. They start to poison the minds of their "human-property" against outsiders; and will convince her that it's you and your family that don't like him. Not the other-way around. All he wants to do is love her; and he'll convince her he can love her like nobody else.
Please take no personal-offense. I have a theory. There is no force like a woman in-love. Once she is locked into it; nobody can undo it. Even if it is abusive, controlling, and toxic. She has to come to that point and realize it on her own. As long as you won't let-go of your sisterly-love, your emotional-connection to your sister can't be broken! No matter how hard he works at it. People from very close-nit families tend to come-around; because the bond of love in families can be so strong. We all tend to stray, and wonder-away in the name of love! We'll miss the love, warmth, and affection of our families; and we are eventually drawn-back to it. Sometimes we'll stray from all outside-connections for a lengthy period of time before we realize what's happening. She's got an obsession for him as well!
Be considerate of the time when you call, and the length of your conversations.
You'll lose track of time, and you will become somewhat of an annoyance; if you're chit-chatting nonstop for hours upon hours. If it's dinner-time or bed-time, you should show courtesy and observance of their house-rules. Your sister has to work-on being more independent and self-aware. Men will always control and separate her from her family and support-groups. If you watch nature films, you notice how lions draw a single animal away from the herd. It gives them more of an advantage. Sometimes the herd turns back in-defense of the stray animal, or a defenseless baby-animal. That's what family has to do from time to time. It doesn't work if you're abrupt, or if you meddle!
Men who think love is shown through owning others like that, are not usually kind to women. They are characteristically aggressive, antisocial, selfish, and can be pretty mean and ill-tempered. Some women like these bad-boys!
It may not have happened yet, but you will do this yourself someday. You'll find love with a man that draws you to him, and away from everybody else. Observe and learn from what you see. Don't be too quick to judge!
He's what she has chosen for a mate. You're a woman, you know how a woman in-love can't be easily pulled-away from the object of her affections; even with the force of a hurricane! It's admirable and wonderful; but not everyone deserves it. Like it or not, no-one has the right to decide that but herself. You can only adapt to it. If he doesn't want to get cozy and family-friendly; there's not much you can do about it. Tolerate him and treat him as respectfully as you can. Don't kill yourself trying to make him like you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 July 2020):
 I'd take FA's advice and set up call times to when he is not around, if possible.
Is it a red flag or "abnormal" behavior? I don't know. How long are these phone calls? What time of day?
I can see from his perspective that it can be annoying if there were plans to cook dinner together and she is just blabbing for hours on the phone.
It might also be the he is a little jealous that HE doesn't have anyone who calls him to chat and catch up, like you two do.
Or he might BE a controlling dick.
Unfortunately, you can't MAKE him like you or pick your sister's partner.
And your sister doesn't seen to have an issue with him dictating how long she can talk to you. After all, your sister could put her foot down or tell you:" hey, Ill call you later"... but she doesn't she just do whatever he tells her....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 July 2020):
 How long is your typical catch up call? Is there a way you can schedule the call for a time when he isn't with her? Honestly the only time i can talk to my wife is when she is driving, but since she refuses to set up her hands free stuff . . . . well I do miss her.
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