A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My sister-in-law just got married in January and she got pregnant in February. She was so excited and 3 weeks ago she lost the baby. She was 5 months along and her water broke and the baby had tumors on his brain. They had to induce her, but the baby didn't survive. She hasn't left her apartment or spoken to anyone! How can I help her? Is there anything I can say to her to make her feel better? The doctor told her that she can still have children, but she is so upset. She won't take anyone's calls and her mother went to see her at home about 2 weeks ago and she had her husband tell her that she had to leave because my sister-n-law doesn't want to see anyone. How can I help her??? Thank you all for any advice you can give. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Give her space and just be there for her if she asks for your support. It takes time to heal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Thank you all for your advice. My sister-n-law is actually my husband's sister. And one big problem is the few times that she has spoken to her mother she tells her straight out not to mention anything about what has happened. My mother-n-law told me not to say a word to her about what happened, but I feel like if I don't say anything, even just an I'm sorry, she may think that I don't care. So I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to her since this has happened and I don't know how to be when she finally does come around again. In all honesty we have never been very close. Thank you all again.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Well, we could speculate as to what she's feeling - but the truth is, we have no earthly clue how she feels. Even other women who have had this happen to him really won't know how she feels. Every woman is different.
There's nothing really to say. Like I said, you can't possibly understand the plethora of feelings and emotions cloudy her mind right now. All you can do is be there when the dam breaks - when the flood gates open. That is when she will need you the most. When her emotions are outward and her feelings are vulnerable. Be there to comfort her.
And don't forget the husband, your brother. They are in this together and right now he's having to be the strong one because his wife is so torn down. This means he probably hasn't had the opportunity to grieve for himself. Be on the lookout for his outwards signs of vulnerability and be there for him also.
You can be the go-to person. Ask your brother if he is willing to share with you their progress in their time of grief - and as people desire to know what is going on with them, they can go to you for information - leaving your brother and his wife to themselves to mourn in peace without the inundation of phone calls and visits. Then when they're ready to come out, they will - giving thanks to all those who where there for them in their time of need.
And don't forget to pray for them. Prayer works!
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Perhaps the hardest thing is that there is little you can do but be there for her. What are you going to say, that you understand? You don't.
The best support in these circumstances comes from others who have gone through the same thing. Find out of there is a support group available in her area although really her doctor should have already referred her to some.
If she doesn't want to talk to them, you talk to them to get advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): It has only been three weeks. She has a tremendous amount of grief to process, and has had very little time to do so. It seems that her way of coping, at least for now, is to turn inward.
I think it is wonderful that you would like to help. I know that she will appreciate the sentiment, especially if you are able to offer it in a way that does not intrude on her way of coping. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to anyone, so don't push that. Make it clear that your available in other ways. If you live in the same town, make some casseroles and drop them off every few days. Don't stay - just deliver them, with a card.
Be there for your brother. He has lost a child, too, and he may be able to rely on you in a way his wife cannot.
Send flowers, perhaps.
My advice would be to continue to invite your sister-in-law to things, making clear that you will understand if she's not up for it. Invite her to go see a movie with you; invite her to brunch. Give her time and space.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (27 July 2008):
She's grieving and she has to do it in her own way unfortunately. However you can try to understand and to be there for her when she is ready to face the real world again.
http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/grief_issues.html
This website is from New Zealand but should give you some ideas. Put "miscarriage grief" or something similar into google and I am sure you could find a local group to help you and her.
She could be feeling like it's her fault and that everyone blames her. Her poor brain is going to be full of pregnancy hormones and on top of that she's gone through the trauma of having to deliver the baby. She might have seen it and been horrified if it didn't look normal, or not seen it and been traumatised because she never got to see the life inside her.
The best thing is just to prepare yourself to be the best help you can be when she is ready to face the world again, and if you find a local support group who have leaflets or advice then perhaps pass them on to your brother.
Go through him for now if she is too fragile.
Good Luck!! xx
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