A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have a very loving relationship... there's just one problem. Our sleeping hours don't mix. Doesn't sound too bad does it? But it really effects me. Basically what is upsetting me is that when I get up in the morning my partner doesn't/wont. My partner says that it not because of not wanting to be with me it just that my partner is tired but going to bed early doesn't help as my partner still wants to 'sleep in'. I hate not being able to see my partner in the morning and crave the time/attention together. It's getting so bad now that we are fighting about it. I feel sad, hurt and rejected but my partner thinks I am over reacting. I don't have a lot of people in my life and my partner means so very much to me. Please help as it is effecting our relationship and I love my partner very much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): you guys need to try and compromise a little bit, its really not that difficult, maybe you should make a deal with him and only let him sleep in every other morning or set one day a week aside where you too will go out for breakfast togeather.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Hi there,
I'm coming at this from another side. I am a sleep-er in-er. I haet waking up early. Since when I was small, if I wake up early, I am very, VERY cranky, I have the tendency to bite people's heads off, I'm not very nice and I can't really function.
My boyfriend is an early riser, and it used to drive him nuts that I would sleep. But now he's realized that that's his alone time. He get's up, he does some work, he reads the paper or maybe watches a little TV. He takes a nice long shower and appreciates the time to himself. Maybe you could find something to do... use the time to catch up on reading, or take up jogging in the morning. Get your errands done so you will have time to spend with your husband later in the day.
Do you and your husband not have any time you can spend together in the rest of your day? Maybe the evening? Do you have dinner together?
Maybe you could compromise. He could wake up an hour earlier and you can go to bed an hour later. Or maybe one day a week you both can make a breakfast date together, and he wakes up early for you.
I think there is a way to make both of you happy. I know you value your time together, but he (like me) also values the pleasantries of sleep. Ahhh, sleep.
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I think you need to give your partner a break. I wake up on the weekends very early - between 6:30 and 7:00 - and my husband doesn't wake up until around 9:00 most of the time. I'd love to spend time with him in the morning, of course, but I respect him enough to let him have his sleep. Afterall, he's not forcing me to stay awake with him at night.
I used to be like you, though - it used to annoy me that he wouldn't wake up. I took this as a personal insult. But that's not what it is - he's really just tired. So in the mornings, I make that my "me" time. I do what I want to do. And most times I end up making us a nice big breakfast when it's getting close to the time that he wakes up. (I love to cook.) So when he does decide to wake up, it's because he wants to and we're able to have a nice morning together.
Think about it - would you rather force him to wake up, have him get all crabby, and face a period of arguments first thing in the morning - or would you rather have him wake up when he wants to and start the day off with a cheery attitude.
I suppose you could always compromise. If you make plans for the next day - even if you just want to have a breakfast date - I'm sure he'd be more willing to wake up. Don't you think? And also think about it from his perspective - if you were in a dead sleep and he yelled "RISE AND SHINE!!," do you honestly think you'd be in a good mood? I know I wouldn't be.
Enjoy the time that you spend together when you're both in a good mood. Him sleeping later than you is small potatoes. And not to sound like a jerk, but this "problem" you have doesn't really seem to be because of him...it sounds like you're being a tad bit selfish to me.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): Hi
Hi feel the same with my guy
we dont live together so i dont get to wake up with him every morning but feel down when he falls asleep while were watching tv or if he sleeps late when I just wanna spend time with him
Its sounds like your dependant on this guy (believe me i know how it feels) You dont have many friends because you wanna spend all your spare time with him and you world revolves around him
I know its hard but try doing some things without him Maybe make plans that one morning he sleeps in and another he gets up and does something with you like a walk round the park How about waking him up with breakfast in bed for two
Hope it goes well and, although easier said than done, try not to focus all your energy onto him. Make time for yourself
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 This can be looked at from two sides I think.
Your partner is being a bit childish. He wants to 'sleep in' because he's tired, but then he won't go to bed earlier, because he wants to 'sleep in'. That is a circular argument. You could equally well say 'I want to be tired, I'm going to stay up late so I can sleep in, so I can be tired'.
My ex-girlfriend is a sleep-specialist doctor and reliably informs me that staying up late and then sleeping-in is not a good way to get rest. Switching between different sleeping times messes up with your body's natural rhythm and keeps you tired. The best way to get rest if you are tired is to go to bed a bit earlier than usual.
I suspect that your partner just wants to sleep in, likes staying up late, and is looking for reasons to justify it.
On the other hand, it does sound like you are letting this effect you much more than it should. He's not rejecting you by doing this, so you shouldn't feel rejected.
Have you been rejected badly in the past? Did you lack for security growing up? It sounds like you are insecure about your relationship on some level and this is triggering deeper issues. Do you normally find yourself conceding too much in a relationship to the other person? Perhaps you 'crave' his love so much that you have let him act exactly how he wants, and now it's difficult to re-establish what you want?
My guess is that it could be the same part of you that is unable to get him to see your point of view in this that also makes you so upset about it. I suggest you try to figure out why you get so upset by this, why you feel so rejected. Once you understand that, you may be able to make changes (for yourself) that make you stronger all-round. One way for this to happen and for the two of you to benefit from it would be for the two of you to go to a relationship councilor together. It might sound like something too trivial to see a councilor for, but it's clearly causing pain and effecting your relationship.
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