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female
,
anonymous
writes: A few months ago I found out my partner was looking at porn on the web. He denied it but when I showed him the proof he had to admit it. This really upset me and as I have just hit forty, I was already feeling old, so finding out he was looking at younger females with great bodies hasn't helped my ego. He promised not to do it again but I just found out he has. He can't see why it upsets me. Can you tell me if I am overeacting or if you think I have every right to be upset. Please help
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (29 March 2006):
 of course you have everyreason to be upset
A
female
reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (21 March 2006):
 Men have many reasons for watching porn, from serious problems relating sexually to their partners, to just a plain old 'no-strings' release of sexual tension, but I have never heard a man say that he watches porn because the chicks are younger looking than his wife.Women in porn are objectified to such an extent that to the majority of male viewers they are no more real than cartoon characters. Would you be jealous of a cartoon character?What you should be more concerned about is the fact that he is lying and hiding things from you. Let him know that you feel hurt and betrayed by his deceitfulness.And work on your feelings of self-confidence. Could it be that your negative self-image has been having an impact on your lovelife? Causing him to channel his sexual energy elsewhere?
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A
female
reader, sandipops +, writes (19 March 2006):
I am a mother of 6 children and have been married 3 times,my 2nd husband used to look at porn and like you i hate it also.
Being 40 is not old and you may have heard this said before life begins at 40 it certainly did for me,i set out to find who i really am and learnt many new things,Our egos play tricks on us and we must never succumb to it's lies about who we are and how we should feel, i was a victum of domestic violence for 17yrs and,i lost self respect and had no confidence,but i fought my way back and never will i allow my ego to tell me how i should feel.When you start to feel as though others have better bodies than you ask yourself why you feel this way,go a little deeper into youself the answer is there.You are a unique human being and there is no one else out there like you.
When my husband bought home porn on vidoes he made me watch them i despised him for it not for the reasons you have but because i found them degrading and also for having children in the house incase they got hold of them.
When i spilt from him i vowed and declared i will never allow porn in my house again or for it to be viewed on my pc,i said the 1st time i ever find any i will remove our pc from my home and i meant it.
to this day we are all clear on this fact,i quess i am saying make a stand,if you do not like what he is doing be very clear about it but do not let this make you feel less about yourself,no-one and nothing must be allowed into your life that destroys your sense of self esteem
regards
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (18 March 2006):
read previous listings under porn , i hve written loads alot of it contradictided , only you knoe were you are coming from
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): I had the same experience I found out my bf was looking at porn when I was pregnant. I was devastated. We argued and he promised he would never do it again. He did and the whole thing just kept repeating. I decided to confide in as many people as I could to see if the problem was with him or with me. I too wondered if I was over reacting. I was suprised to find out how many men I knew actually enjoyed looking at porn. I now suspect that probably all men do to some extent.Try to remember that it is unlikely that his feelings towards you have actually changed and he probably loves you just as much as he ever did. Men are very different from us and have a much greater need for visual stimulation. Porn is fantasy and most men would not want a porn star as their girlfriend. I was also suprised by how many women I knew just brushed it aside as no big deal. The major difference between their relationships and mine were that their bf's had made no attempt to hide the fact that this is what they enjoyed doing and so their gf's were never in the same position as us. Trust is the rock upon which most of us build our relationships. The fact that our men have lied to us has left us feeling betrayed. I often thought that if my bf had cheated on me with a 'real' girl that it would have been easier to deal with, I could have just left him and moved on. However it is a very complex mix of emotions we have to deal with when we feel our bf's have cheated on us with hundreds of women who aren't 'real', so the whole thing tends to drag on for a lot longer. The longer it drags on the worse we begin to feel about ourselves.My sex life became affected it no longer seemed like a loving experiece, I just felt dirty and cheap.I became very self critical and begin to lose my self worth, I cried all the time. You must not allow this to happen. Firstly you need to take some time to think about yourself. Do something that will lift your self esteem. Join a gym, try a new hairstyle, treat yourself to a new outfit and spend more time with your girlfriends.(don't forget you are doing this for you and not for him) Age is not and issue when we are seeking a new relationship as people of all ages are single and looking for someone special. Remember as you walk along the street that men will still be looking at you and finding you attractive even if you do not see them. Never forget what a beautiful and special woman you are even if your boyfriend has. Your life has to move foward and you have to decide how. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this.You have a right to be happy and you are not. Remember that trust is like Humpty Dumpty - Once its broken it can't be put back together again. Do not give your boyfriend the power to choose between yourself and porn. He is unlikely to change.It is your life and you have the power to control your own destiny. The pain my bf caused me was so intense that I left him. That was 4yrs ago. He still texts me to say how much he loves me. I ignore him as I feel nothing for him anymore.
Good luck,
Be Strong! Elle x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): i have the same problem with my b/f but i have let it gone on and on and now i very depressed and hate myself, iv talked to him a heap of times yet he still lies to me and he still looks at it and hides it, i wish i had seen this coming earlier so i could have gotten out of the relationship faster but now im stuck and have no way of getting out due to having no money at the moment but i am saving . in the mean time i make sure he knows that im depressed i tell him how much i hate my body and how ugly i am and that i want plastic surgery and cry all the time,you can see the guilt in his face, iv also gone on a total sex ban, i have not touched my bf for months and when ever he wants it i just say well you go to all that effort to download and hide porn why not go make use of it,and when he says no i want you i say well you have chosen porn you prefer them girls in pornos rather then me, its the choice you have made so deal with it, we usally end up in a fight but i dont care anymore, b4 he started looking at lying about porn the relationship was great but now its awful, this hole exprience has totally put me off having a real relationship with a male for a very long time. to the poster of the question dont worry your not over reacting at all and dont feel old, im 20 yrs old with a body that most women would die for but yet look at me my bf with his lies and porn viewing has totally crushed me. when i get some money i am going to give my bf a choice its me or the porn and well if he chooses the porn then i know he was not worth it and im outta there if he says me then he has to prove it, maybe you should give your man the same choice,just think of it this way if he can lie to you about this just think of all the other things he could lie about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): I am 27 and my ex was older 10 years older than me and still looked at porno sites. I also detest it, I think sex can be all the things on porno sites between willing couples, but I think sex should be private. I personally respect my body and do not want the whole world to see it or to be looked at "that way" by total strangers getting off on it. My ex also lied and said he would stop but didnt. I had to accept it or get out. I got out. I do not want my relationship to be based on lies. gradually it will emotionally degrade you. please do not compare yourself to the young girls who haven't experienced life yet. Does your bf know he is old enough to be their father? if not tell him! good luck. x
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