A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in bits after my partner announced he developed feelings for men but kept them bottled up for years.He feels better for telling me and insists he still loves me — but has met someone else recently who he loves as well.I am 48 and my partner is 52. We have been together for 25 years and engaged for 20. We have two boys, aged 19 and 16.I saw no signs my partner felt this way so it has come completely out of the blue.If anything, I would say the sex we were having was getting better and better. We even made love the day before he told me.It has torn our family apart because in the heat of the moment I told him to get out. I wanted time to think and get my head around everything.That was three weeks ago and I assume he is staying with his boyfriend. He comes over to see the kids every week.But they are disgusted with his behaviour and how he has treated me, and can barely look him in the eye.It distresses me so much because they have always had such a close bond.My partner doesn’t look in the least bit happy, he has a pained look on his face and he's gaining weight and appears stressed. He keeps saying he misses family life and my family too.He then also keeps saying how much he likes his boyfriend too, which is completely contradictory to him claiming he misses us being together and family life.Adding to that, I also had a box of wine delivered to our house as a gift.We're not actually divorced, but it feels like we're living as a divorced couple.His boyfriend's significantly younger, he's only 24 years old. I've seen a photo on my husband's iPhone, the boyfriend looks like a boy-band member, dressed in high-end fashions.Do you think it could be a midlife crisis? Everyone who knows him says he will live to regret his actions and that he is just confused.Can there ever be a reconciliation? I love him so much it hurts.I'm now starting to feel like an idiot for loving him.Yes, I know there's older gay people but in our family, being gay wasn't an issue we'd even discussed. Perhaps because we'd had bigger issues like finances and the taxman rather than worrying about gay or bi. As it is, neither of our sons are gay, but I wouldn't have a problem if they were.However, my husband's revelation put things to the test.Money has become an issue, because we won £30,000 in a competition. While we're not millionaires, I'm struggling to find anything useful to spend the money on.We're certainly not rich, but not on the breadline either.I can't really cope with things right now. Need some advice and don't know what to do next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2022): Dear OP, you may have noticed that I was redundant, and kept repeating that your husband is in-love with a man. I didn't do this to provoke you, or to rub salt into your wounds. When we are emotionally-traumatized, or bluntly forced into a state of shock; we tend to go deep into denial, or become withdrawn. We have to escape the pain of reality inflicted by hearing an ugly truth.
You are stronger than you think, and you'll come to. The reality starts to register, and the facts start to resonate. That's when we come to our senses, and we're able to start sorting things out. You'll start to recall some red-flags or clues that you've dismissed as nothing. That's the subconscious-mind coming to grips with the situation. That's when you can compose yourself to some degree. I only hope my words can bring you some degree of comfort, at least I will try.
I wanted to let you know I wasn't trying to be cruel. I can only imagine how painful something like this is for a woman. You've invested your heart and soul into your family and your marriage for many years.
All is not lost. You will heal and recover. Your boys will too!
Time brings healing, because God is just and kind. Although He will test our faith and endurance from time to time. It only makes us stronger. I know you wonder, why me? How could God let this happen? God exposed a lie to you, He pressed on your husband's conscience and convicted him; until he was forced to reveal the truth to you. This is a test of faith, and better things await you and the boys in the future. God doesn't try or test without reward. He's God. I speak from experience, and having survived many traumas and trials over the years. That's why I'm here helping other people. To please God, and to comfort those in pain. To educate and promote the truth. People seem to spread or feed on lies these days; but the truth cannot be buried, hidden behind lies, or destroyed. It must be told, and the truth will set you free!
I pray that God will give you strength and courage. I pray He will heal your broken-heart, and that He will comfort your boys. He's still their father; but may no longer be your husband at some point. Don't lie to yourself. It's not a phase, it's not some midlife-crisis. It is his truth, and God refused to allow you to live a lie for your husband's selfish benefit. God knows your heart, and He knows your pain.
If he thinks he's in-love, that is an immovable and unrelenting state of being. That doesn't mean he never loved you, or he doesn't still; but his love is diluted and tainted, when he has betrayed your trust, and forced you to live a lie for his own protection. Putting on a façade to fool the public; at your personal expense and to your emotional detriment.
Have faith, you'll get through this. I'll pray that you will! You should pray too; even if you don't believe, you've got nothing else to lose.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2022): He didn't wake-up one day and just decide he's attracted to men. He may have suppressed his same-sex attraction for many years; while also being sexually-attracted to women. Some would say he's bisexual; but only he could tell you which-way his attraction leans. Be it more towards men, or women? Only he can tell you that. He's old enough to know!
I wouldn't say this affair he's having with a man is necessarily the first-time he has been with a man. During that marathon-engagement you two shared; I would speculate he was living a double-life. What we call in the US "living on the down-low, or the DL." Having men on the side; but for all practical purposes and appearances, he's heterosexual. You're his cover, the "beard!"
As a man, he has to live-up to the role of his gender; and according to the demands of society. By being a husband, and giving his parents grandchildren. Meanwhile, keeping a secret-life on the side to satisfy his other needs. It's easier to do that when you are sexually-attracted to both men and women. Pursuing all his secret "sexual-exploits" undercover; while being discrete, and no-one is the wiser.
I recommend you should get yourself tested for STD's, or HIV; in the event he didn't always use condoms.
If he travels for work, works late a lot, supposedly spends a lot of time with his buddies (or a friend), often goes to the pub alone; or just goes out, and doesn't say where he's going. He was likely out seeing men on the side. That's how he met the reject from "One Direction."
If he comes from a very old-school, conservative, or religious background; he did what was expected of him. Dated women, got married, and had kids. Some bi-sexual men may have these urges for years; but never act on them, and remain married for life. Just like straight-men have urges to cheat with other women; but never act on that impulse, or yield to the temptation. It's no different.
I do recommend some family-counseling for the sake of the kids. The 19 year-old will be leaving to be on his own soon, he'll deal with it; he's nearly an adult. The 16 year-old will need some counseling to help him to cope. He has to face his teenage peers. You have to put on a strong face; and get medical-checkups, to monitor your health and stress-levels. Counseling could prevent your younger-son from acting-out in rebellion; or intercede before he falls into a bad crowd out of anger and resentment. This is too much for a you, let alone a couple of kids!
Fortunately, teenagers are old enough to understand what's going-on; but this is a lot to process. He's cheating on his wife, and family, with a man!!!
You would probably know the usual signs of cheating; or at least you would have grown suspicious, if he was always gawking at other females. You wouldn't notice him checking-out other guys, he'd consciously be more discrete, to avoid detection. Even the boys would notice if he was checking-out other fellas. Through natural intuition, you might suspect something was up, if you thought there was another woman somewhere; but this is the last thing that would cross your mind. You're getting the double-whammy! He's having an affair, and it's with a man! I offer you my sympathies. I'm very sorry for what you are going through.
Please don't get your hopes up about things going back to where they were. Your trust has been betrayed, this isn't the typical "cheating-husband" scenario; and you've got two sons to help get through a possible divorce. I would prepare for that, emotionally and financially.
It was better to have asked him to leave; than to keep him there while you're seriously upset and distraught. You're in shock! It would have escalated to unbridled-rage; and it's best to be separated from your source of irritation when you're in that highly-agitated state of mind. The boys aren't little-kids; but they could be provoked to overreact in a terrible way in defense of your honor, and in your protection. A mother's tears are very powerful! We're talking about two young men!
It is highly unlikely that you'll ever trust him again; knowing he is attracted to men, has hid it from you all these years; and has the nerve to just turn your life upside-down by confessing he's "in-love" with another man!!! Don't torture yourself, my dear! He claims he's in-love; so it had to be an affair in progress to reach this dramatic climax. Which is why I highly doubt this is his first affair with a man.
At this point, your love is unequal. You only love your husband; but he claims to have feelings of the same magnitude for somebody else. Regardless of the gender, he doesn't love you enough not to cheat on you! Had he loved you faithfully as your husband, and honored your vows as he should; he never would have cheated in the first place. He has taken a huge chunk out of your life, and fathered your children. You can't just shrug-off an affair, and go back to normal, like nothing ever happened. You might suppress your anger, and internalize, thinking you could live with it and forgive him. No, you can't. You can forgive him, but it would not be a wise move to take him back now. You can co-parent and be civil to each-other. You shouldn't try to take a man back who has told you he is attracted to men, and he's presently in-love with a man.
Denial is only a temporary condition; the truth sits waiting to resurface in the back of your mind. If you could be so deep in denial as to take him back; you would need some serious therapy first.
You should get your legal-affairs in order. Start looking for a family-counselor; because the kids are going to grow progressively resentful. This is too much to handle. They're still trying to figure-out what life is all about; while still attending school or university. They've just got blindsided with all of this! Their father is gay, and in-love with a man, and all your lives are now in total confusion. I know it will be hard, but you have to keep it together for their sake, my dear. Avoid depression or anxiety at all costs, because they still love and need you!
May God guide and comfort you and your children.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 April 2022):
 "We have been together for 25 years and engaged for 20."
What? 20 year engagement? Talk about dragging his feet!
"We're not actually divorced, but it feels like we're living as a divorced couple."
And no, you are not divorced because you were never married!
Personally, I think you need to look into what You need to do to move forward FOR you and the kids.
Maybe it is a midlife crisis. I don't know why you aren't grossed out that he is with someone BARELY older than your oldest child - male or female is irrelevant here.
Is there a chance for reconciliation?
For me, there wouldn't be. But you might feel very differently.
Also if the "kids" don't want to spend time with him, they shouldn't have to, they are OLD enough to make that choice. And you... should not give him the "let's play house" time either.
If you NEED to put a label on it:
He isn't straight, that is for sure. Could he have been a closet-gay? Maybe. More likely he was always bi, but never experimented and now feels the need to try things he always wanted - such as being with a dude.
"Everyone who knows him says he will live to regret his actions and that he is just confused."
Maybe he will. That is on him. HE made this choice for EVERYONE, including you and the kids. Personally, I think you need to talk to a solicitor and separate all finances, set up child maintenance, and stop talking to your ex.
You need to put YOU and the kids first because he sure isn't. He is putting his dick first.
Maybe it's time to accept that THIS is what HE wants. So you need to work on moving on and living a life without him.
I would wager a guess that when the novelty of boinking a VERY young man and reality sets in that he will want his "old" life back. But the shit is out of the horse. You can't put it back. You CAN NOT turn back the time. You CAN NOT trust him to not want to do this again later on, IF he came back.
Over time you will lose all trust, then respect for him, then you stop loving him and eventually you will resent him for using you. Hopefully, you will get to a point where you can accept it and live your life without his actions affecting you anymore. That might be ways down the road, mind you.
YOU didn't make him do this.
Nothing you did, made him start an affair with a BARELY adult guy.
YOU own him nothing. You owe yourself and your kids to let him go and focus on the future.
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