A
female
age
41-50,
*ulieanne100
writes:Ive been in a relationship with a man for 11 years now, for the past 5 years i got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, i have been very ill and over medicated on many meds, and when my partner is home on leave from working at sea, all i do is sleep all day long m.s related fatigue is very severe and severe pain, for the past few years i jusy never want to go out with my partner and he is always going out alone and im home either in bed or in pain.Latley he flew to singapore on business, and he has been seeing a phillipino women for the past 5 months, the past 3 months he said he had unprotected sex with her, how i found out he had pictures of her on his computer, and i saw them and i confronted him, totally broken i am, he has never ever ben unfaithful i know this for sure, he says he is ashamed, yes he is now he has been found out, but he says he was always alone when he was home and i never wanted to do things with him thanks to ms and pain and fatigue, i drove him away to the arms and body of another women, i really can understand this he wasnt get the attention from me, but we still having sex.no i have booked myself for a sexual health check total embaressment and humilation he had sex without condoms, so yes im utterly devasted, and i dont know what to do, i love ive always loved him and he loves me, he was lonley i guess with me being ill all the time, but still i never expected him to sleep with a thai women this few months, please help me, i told him im off many meds and not sleeping all the time, and i feel better for it, getting out and doing more, even though i have ms and pain, do i forgive him how do you rebuild trust i feel ill never get it back, its the first time ever he had done this but what makes it hurt though he slept with her unprotected.im very confused and deeply hurt and broken but i do see he was always alone when home, so i see he was looking for companionship love and sex with someone else, please help me, thankyou for taking the time to reeamy message
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 Don't think that way. Diseases cannot command what people feel for you. He could not help feeling the way he does but his actions and his pity does not mirror any sort of future. There are a multitude of people who would love a woman like you, disease or no, look how hard you've tried and fought just to keep him happy in this relationship. That disease is a hindrance, but you can fight through it.
What you said: "ive changed a lot with the ms, but i still am me but just have an illness" That's exactly what you have to remind yourself and others. There are a lot of people out there, kept down by disabilities or disease with people who genuinely love them, trust me, I've seen it, genuine care and love, you cannot fake that.
I am not going to lie to you and say that you will never encounter another man who will just take pity on you or use you. There are just as many men doing naive or cruel things as there are good men doing the right thing for the right reasons. Just be careful who you grow attached to next.
For now, are there any friends or family members you can turn to?
Don't give up, people have fought through diseases for years, fought through disabilities. Mind over matter. Do what makes you happy and try to take your mind off of him and off of everything that troubles you.
I hope that helps.
A
female
reader, julieanne100 +, writes (3 June 2011):
julieanne100 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all i just want to say a big thankyou for taking the time to reply to my letter, i really am gratful to all of you, thankyou, well right now im still in hell, my partner has just emailed me and said the followingIf the business takes off I will look after you but otherwise, I am poor from supporting you and your family and I need to save some money to buy a small house in Canada. After this year, I will not be supporting you on my salary. Accept and plan for this as it will happen. I am sorry but I must start thinking about myself. I have stayed with you out of pity for much too long.So as you can see reading this email, well what more can he do to me, yes he will look after me if his buisness venture takes off, but basically im on my own, he said in a previous email that he will support me another 6 months and thats it, im a disabled lady, and he know i only have him to help me out here and see me right, ive got to accept were over, but he must come back to the uk after 2 months of working at sea, he has to take his name of our joint account, he has to pay his debts and mine, he has to rehouse me someplace i can afford and just see me right we were together 11 years, we wasnt married though, but were classed as common law partnersTo hear him say he just stayed with me out of pity just completley destroyed me now, i really beleievd we were forever and i was fingind the strength in me to deal with my ms and pain a little better, and i thought he would of been my support and rock and kept me strong and postive how wrong was I, is this normal folks, that if you get an illness like ms, and it changes your life 360 completley and unable to support yourself, that your partner turns around to you and the only reason he stayed with me was pity, what more hurt and damage can he do to me now, its not my fault i have ms, but i have, so am i now entitled to gunuine love and affection without being pityed, if the tables were turned and it was him would i pity him, well god know i met and fell in love with him a healthy women, so yes ive changed a lot with the ms, but i still am me but just have an illness, now im scared to ever enter into any kind of relationship with the worry that they will find out what is wrong with me and run a mile, or just use me out of pity and walk away, my trust has been destroyed forever, do people have a loving relationship when one is chronically ill, ive given up now, the way i am feeling at it is very very low as well as relasping with the ms, i just dont have the strength to continue anymore, please help me folks and give me some light, i know i am an attractive, kind, compassionate, loyal honest women, he carnt take that away from me, but im so low, that i fear what my future holds alone and will i get more pain and pity from other men, its like you carnt have a chronic illness can you and be in a loving relationship as people only stay with you out of pity is this true, please help me, i just want to leave this world, too much pain emaotioanlly and physically and alone is not good, please kind people give me some light i am desperate, and dont want to continue too much pain, is just too much.Love Julie[Mod note: This was put through as it is a followup but the posting concerns us and the references to self-harm indicate that the poster needs to seek immediate professional counseling. The aunts at DearCupid are not equipped to deal with this type of situation and again, the poster is urged to seek immediate psychological help. Here is a link that might help http://www.samaritans.org/ ]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Why are you defending him? he is the one who cheated on you. you are sick and he is having fun with other women..what a low life! how much do you know of his past? has he done this before? if the answer is yes then he will do again and again. No matter how much you forgive him and take him back its in his nature to cheat so he will cheat because thats him, thats what he does, its just too bad that he blames your illiness, he is trying to make you feel responsible for what he did as if it was your fault but I am sure that you know in your heart that its not your fault its his and his alone. If you forgive him and take him back it wont last long, he will keep on seeing the other woman and maybe other women as well, you said he works at sea that means he is on his own for a many months, what makes you think he didnt do this before? for most men who work at sea cheating is a way of life...sorry hunny...and good luck!
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A
female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 "In sickness and in health, till death do you part." Sound Familiar? There is absolutely no reason or excuse to cheat on your spouse. I can't stand those types of women who are willing to carry on a relationship with a married man and I'm pretty darn sure she knew he was married. People have no respect for marriages. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): i have been cheated on and i honestly can see both sides of the situation here. do i think it's despicable to cheat? absolutely. but i don't see that you defending him in this situation as weak, but actually very very insightful and noble. it takes a big person to see both sides of a very painful situation like that.when i first found out i was cheated on, i went through numerous different emotional cycles. first was pure anger. how could the person i loved do this to me and betray my trust so deeply? after the anger faded, i recall feeling so so so sad. just the deepest most gut-wrenching sadness i've ever felt. i'd never felt more betrayed and hurt in my entire life. then the sadness faded into my becomming clingy and needy and wanting to latch on and never let go for fear of losing them. and this constant cycle continued for weeks. honestly, i didn't know how to control my emotions. they were so raw, that one minute i would tell my girlfriend i hated her guts and could never forgive her for what she did to me, then the next i'd be saying how much i love her and that i wanted to work it out.the first step, in my opinion, is to really, deep-down, decide if you think you can TRULY forgive. like i said earlier, do i condone cheating? no, absolutely not. but even having been cheated on and knowing good and well how much it HURTS, and hating the act, i hold firm to my belief that people do make mistakes and deserve second chances. and in this particular situation, i believe it sounds like he genuinely made a mistake due to loneliness. and once you make that decision to forgive, if that's what you decide to do, you have GOT to only move forward. there's no other alternative. because if you claim you want to forgive him and move on, yet hold it over his head constantly, that will only make your relationship absolutely miserable.talk to him. communicate and tell him that if you're going to make the huge sacrifice of forgiving, and it is HUGE, he's going to have to make drastic sacrifices, as well. express to him what you will need him to do that will make you feel at ease and comfort you, but at the same time, make sure you aren't completely taking his freedom away in the process. this can very tricky. because right now, you're feeling threatened by everything, and rightfully so. so it will be easy for you to want to put him in a little cage and keep him locked away so only you can see him. unfortunately, that will never make for a healthy relationship. this is going to be extremely hard for you because it's going to cause you a lot of pain forcing yourself to allow him to do things that may be out of your comfort zone for right now. but it must happen. if you start taking away all of his freedoms he will become miserable, as will you. he needs to know clear boundries, as do you. you need to clearly express what you need him to do, and he MUST do it consistantly. and he needs to do the same. express what he feels he needs you to do, as well. consistancy is what will eventually build back your trust over time.let him know that if you EVER need to talk, he must be willing to listen and hear your feelings out and be willing to comfort you. there's no ifs ands or buts about it. if you need to talk, he WILL be receptive. that's extremely important. but once again, the catch here is to watch how you express yourself. sometimes when you're hurt and insecure, it's easy to lash out and convey your feelings differently than you intend to. in this case, maybe just express to him gently that you are feeling down in the dumps and need some reassurance. he should have no problem giving you that reassurance if you express it appropriately. and another key is that there should be no time limitation for how long you should be allowed to feel hurt. don't expect yourself to be over it within a certain time span, as well as don't let him expect you to be over it within a certain time span. the heart heals at its own rate.ultimately, it will be a long road ahead for the both of you. but sometimes, out of something terribe, comes a new beginning. something even better than the original. try and have faith. also, stick to your guns and do your part like you claimed. make sure you do your best to fulfill him in his needs as best as you can. it is and always will be a two-way street. best of luck to you. i hope this helped some.
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A
female
reader, jul1993 +, writes (9 May 2011):
That's absolutly terrible. And i personally dont see why he deserves another chance. You're wrapped up in bed in agony and he's sleeping with a women from Singapore? I understand why he must be frustrated with the whole thing but the reality is: He is committed to YOU and should stay as such as long as he still loves you. Please please please! do NOT feel the need to run and beg for this man to not leave you. Because it's him who should be begging your forgiveness. What he did to you was terrible, cruel and very heartless. Talk with him let him know that you understand whats going and on and lay down the law! put yourself first, you are ill and you need someone who you can trust and love and who will love you back equally. Good luck hunny x
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (9 May 2011):
You try to defend him? What he did was weak and cruel. You are fighting a disease and quite a debilitating one at that. True, he was alone because you were on meds and asleep, is that a reason to cheat? The answer here is no. There is NEVER a reason to cheat. He is married to you, he chose to promise you that he would spend the rest of his life with you in sickness and in health.
I am not doubting that he loves you, he was just weak and maybe that deserves a certain amount of forgiveness IF he is trying his hardest to make up for it. If he is, then therein lies your answer. He needs to earn your trust back and make sure this marriage is stronger than ever, he needs to do his part in restoring this marriage. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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