A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a senior in college and over the summer I brought my gf home to meet my folks. We had been dating for a year and wanted to wait before meeting each other's families. So the first half of the holiday we went to her parents' in another state---it was great, they really liked me, but i could tell they didn't think our relationship would last long. she's the youngest and has two older brothers that scared me at first whenever they would come to her parents' house, but they turned out to be really good guys. The second half of the summer we went to my home state and visited my parents. i'm an only child and my parents kind of still spoil me a bit...but that's not the point. When they met her, it wasn't great. A little background: I'm whiter than white, can't dance (don't ever ask me) and i have no tan. she's black. her dad is from Chicago and her mom is dominican (i didn't even know there were black people in Dominica...my own ignorance!)My parents were real quiet and even though they tried to be polite, it came off as cold.We ended up cutting the visit short because my gf was starting to get uncomfortable, and though she wanted to stay and try to get to know them better and get them to know her better, I didn't want her to be uneasy for another week. So we left.But now, my mom's calling me and asking to marry her fast. Where the hell did that come from? She now says that she loves my gf and that she was just shocked at first bcoz they hadn't expected her to be black...it pissed me off a bit but i let it pass. When i asked her why she wanted me to marry her so fast, she said that saw baby pictures and that bi-racial babies and children (especially black and white babies) are just too beautiful and she wants plenty as grandchildren.I haven't heard from my dad. but he doesn't talk much to begin with.What do you think about my mom's reaction? Should I tell my gf about this? Or just deal with it with my mother? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2012):
 while your parents reacted badly, I think that the biggest problem was you did not "warn them in advance" that your gf was of a different race. I think that the first visit would have gone better had you done that. I know you don't see the difference in it.. but I'm a child of the 60s and 70s...
did you ever see the movie "Guess who's coming to dinner" with Spencer Tracey and Katherine Hepburn... (the original)
Lilly white girl brings cultured educated black professor home to meet mother and dad, the Upper class bigots...
the original is great.. the remake.. skip it... but the point is that when she brought him home, some of it was to SHOCK her parents... and that's why she did it to shocke them... in that day and age it was SO very VERY shocking and not accepted to have interracial dating
the thing is you really blindsided your parents... they needed time to adjust.
now your mom is probably over compensating for her bad reaction... but it's still as extreme and over the top.
what you can do is say to her "I'm glad you like Sarah mom, we are happy together and I promise you that if we decide to get married and have children you and dad will be one of the first people we tell" then you do not entertain any more comments about it. every time she calls and starts you say "not talking about it mom" and hang up the phone.. she will get the hint... it might take a few times...
as for telling your GF... some things are better left unsaid... especially if you think that by the next time you take her home to mom and dad, your mother will not say anything about it... see that's the problem, she may be so gung ho for grandbabies that she will speak her mind to your gf.... so do you trust that mom will learn and not say anything and then run the risk of taking gf home and having mom say "so when are you two getting married and making me some beautiful grandbabies???" or do you tell her your mother is going to say just that sort of thing...
I can't tell you the pros and cons of that as it will strongly depend on your gf and the relationship... in my relationship it would be shared... we keep no secrets but it's created hard feelings between friends of mine with my partner...
either way it's a risk...
you just have to decide which is the bigger issue.
not telling and risking mom saying something and blindsiding your gf like you did to your parents when you brought her home
or
telling gf now about it in the privacy of your own home at a calm peaceful time.. hopefully with some wine and lots of apologies for mom and risk upsetting her long term...
tough call...
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Your mom is being rude, obnoxious, and immature. I would not tell your girlfriend, and I would tell your mom that you don't appreciate the way she has talked to you. I would also tell her that if she continues making such comments, that you won't be bringing your girlfriend to their house anymore. You do not have to subject yourself to this kind of talk.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Don't be too hard on your mom. Parents can sometimes make dumb comments like this without thinking too much. Plus I am sure it would be shock if you have never dated anyone black and never mentioned it to your parents before bringing her by. I know my parents would've reacted the same way.
I think you should tell your gf that you talked to your mom and she loves her! Tell her your parents are weird when meeting a girlfriend for the first time and don't know what to expect, but confirmed with you that they (your mom) does like her quite a bit. You can mention the bi-racial baby thing if your girlfriend has a sense of humor about that type of stuff, otherwise keep that to yourself. But definitely let her know your mom did like her. I'm sure your gf is upset thinking they didn't care for her.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Personally I don't think you should tell your girlfriend about this as it might just hurt her, she may end up feeling that your mother does not like her because of her skin colour and that she only wants you to be with her so she can have 'beautiful' grandchildren.
To me this sounds very rude and selfish off your mother. I am glad you got on well with her family and that they support the relationship. They way your parents reacted may not have been the best reaction, but yes maybe they just were not expecting it and where shocked. I hope that is all it was and it was not racist. However for your mother to ring you to say that to you is just very selfish. All children are beautiful and if she becomes a grandmother some day it should not matter what they look like as long as they are happy and healthy and I think you should tell her this. You need to talk to her and tell her how this has made you feel.
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