A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Okay parents are fighting whenever they are next to each other and it doesnt matter where? They just fight everywhere even next to my friends. My mom when my dad s out, she s always tellng me an my siblings the bad things about my dad. That affects me emotionally coz i love them both and i dont want to compare them. The other thing is i got few friends so my mother s always telling me that im not friendly everyone s afraid of me coz i always look angry. She even said my brother s better than me, he s a good person and i am not. That hurt me coz i do want to be friendly at all times but it doesnt come natural to me to just go and introduce myself to someone without asking for help. I feel somehow punished for being the person that i am. I sometimes feel useless, this scares me. Please help me. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Out of loyalty to you parents I know you probably don't want to talk to a counsellor about the horrible way your parents behave. But if there is a school counsellor you can trust then I would suggest you do try to raise the issues you have raised here.
You must be able to trust the counsellor though. if you do not fully trust them then that will not be helpful to you.
Do you have an Aunt in the family or a grandmother who is understanding and maybe a voice of reason to try to get your parents to understand just how wrong your parents are
behaving.
If the relative is dismissive or tries to make out the problem is 'not that bad' then they are of no use either.
If all else fails then try this link to find a suitable support service near you: http://www.hotpeachpages.net/africa/index.html
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 April 2012):
Your parents are out of line. Their fights are between them. They should stop denying that their relationship is in trouble. Clearly their relationship does have issues.
You are being unjustly treated by your Mom. She may not like herself and so she throws that insult on to you instead. I would lay the blame at the feet of both your parents. If your friends come to your home and witness your parents fighting then THAT is what is really driving your friends away.
You are also not to blame for the fights of your parents (just in case they dare to accuse you of that too)
And you and your sibling are just as good as each other. your Mom sounds abusive to dare to say this to her daughter. What a wicked unjust thing to say to a daughter. I am sure that you are articulate (you write well) and you are respectful in the way you present your case (the words and the tone you use) and I have no doubt that you are intelligent.
They often say that it is the one who is most UNLIKE the abusers and who is the smartest one who seeks support and counselling before the others even realise they could benefit from support and counselling. The very fact that you contacted DearCupid suggests that this is indeed true of you.
Your Mom and Dad are FAILING in their roles as parents. They are being cruel and your Mom at least is verbally abusive. Whether it is direct nasty insulting abuse or whether it is nasty snide remarks to make fun of you - it is ALL UNJUSTIFIED.
Your parents should go and get some marriage counselling instead of involving their children in their unresolved issues. You are NOT TO BLAME at all for the unacceptable abusive behavior and actions of your parents.
Your Parents should be nurturing and supportive towards you. They should be showing you good examples of how to resolve issues. They should be supporting and encouraging you. Your parents are FAILING you and their behavior is inexcusable.
Maybe both your parents come from abusive families. But in this day and age it is unfair that they have not learnt to behave more responsibly as parents and partners.
it must be horrible for you, walking on egg shells, never knowing where the next attack will come from - nor the issue of alleged contention raised by your parent or parents.
Of course you love both your parents even if you do not like their behavior. Your parents have no right character assasinating the other parents. One parent is seeking to undermine your loyalty to the other parents. It is IRRESPONSIBLE of one or both parents, to do this to you.
You parents CAN STOP THIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. So do not allow them to evade their responsibility if they dare to say that they can't help it. Trust me, they are adults and they CAN HELP it. They CAN STOP.
If they realise the damage they are doing they would STOP.
You are OK. You do not need to change your behavior, except you do need to NOT FEEL RESPONSIBLE for your parents. You are not to blame. They are the ones who are out of control.
You are not bad. You are OK. Be Proud of you. I am sure you have a range of abilities and talents and good skills.
You are not inadequate in any way.
There is a flawed message that your parents keep playing for you to hear in your head. Turn that message off. Stop listening to lies that try to make you feel less able than you really are.
I have been where you are now. This is how I solved it. My parents fighting was verbal and physical and very nasty and it happened every night. It made me feel ashamed - except the shame was my parents - not mine. They even told me it was my fault when I was five. How dare two adults blame a 5 year old for the fact that the two adults were not adult enough to resolve their own issues.
What I did is identify four families who lived near me. They were all happy families where they did not appear to fight like my parents. I focused on the mother in each of these families. I looked at how she acted, how she talked, how she greeted people sincerely and how she spoke respectfully. I looked at her actions and how she ran her home. I looked at the sort of men each woman had married. I looked at how each woman talked to her children. Then I compared all four mothers - and realised that they were all very similar.
Those 4 women were NOTHING LIKE MY MOM.
I decided that those 4 women were normal and that my family was not 'normal' and I decided to emulate those four women. When I was eventually introduced to my first mother in law I found that she was 'normal' too. And she was far more like my four neighbors. So I added her to my list of women I emulated. It was the best cboice I ever made.
Best wishes and Good luck
Regards
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): You are not a bad person and neither is your brother better than you, and please dont feel like your being punished or that your useless. This is just a result of whats happening because of your parents relationhip, your mother is taking it out on you. I think you should talk to your dad and tell him how this is affecting you and making you feel, cause your mom is not sounding responsible enough to be told this. Maybe your dad can help straighten things out, if not, dont be affraid to ask a school counsellar for help. This is not normal and you shouldnt have to deal with this.I have to ask does your mother have a drinking problem or something that could lead to this behaviour other than the relationship problems? This almost sounds like an alcoholics behaviour or something, when your cussing at your kids about your bad father and about whats wrong with them.
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