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male
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*r6t
writes: Dear CupidI have been married to my wife for 9 years and been together since high school (we are now 31)and have two young kids.2 months ago we had a fight because she went drinking at a friends house (and didnt come home).I took off and slept at my parents house (they were overseas)When i came home i though she would have missed me but instead said she was leaving me as she wanted to find herself.She came home on the second night (because i begged her)My question isMy wife says she now has realised she does want to be with me but i have to give her her space.I am a very overprotective husband (not physicaly) just i hate being aloneI am driving my wife further away when i try ti ask her to come home and sleep at home after a party.All i want is to feel loved and needed,but she wants to find herself and needs some private time.How do i control my overprotective side as i want to stop this habit and i need to or i will loose my wife due to my own stupidity.It burns me us inside when she goes away or wants to spend time with her sister inlaw.I find it almost impossiable to control my self (i am not verbal or physicaly abbusive)I just wont leave her aloneplease please i need some help to control my overprotectivness Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Upon reflection I am going to have to say that this punching the hole into the wall was in fact not the first time you exploded.
From all that you had to say I am going to say that you are in fact a very controlling, a very emotionally abusive man.
Your wife has finally decided to get strong and has put her foot down on your abuse and neglect.
Of course this would make you feel outraged.
You have bullyied and intimated her for far too long.
You can try to be some sweet guy and lay claim that you are not verbally and physically abusive but I say that is a load of crap.
You are in serious need of help.
You can not manipulate your wife anymore and we can not tell you what you are doing is okay and understandable as it is not.
You need some serious medical attention and some serious counseling to sort out your inner demons. If you do not I have to say that I fear for the safety of your wife as I fear for your sanity.
Do not let this get beyond control and do not let it spiral to some most grevious news.
Please, please get some individual counseling ASAP.
Change. Work. None of that two months or three as this is what abusive men "promise" time and again and the whole cycle perpetuates all over again.
Stop the cycle. Stop being governed by your fears and insecurities and struggle with self worth...it is destroying the woman you love and hurting your beautiful children.
Please keep in touch and let us know when you have sought some counseling.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Please seek out some individual counselling to deal with your anger management issues, as well as your controlling issues.
Also get some marriage counselling.
I think that your insecurities are getting the better of you and making you re-act and re-acting doesn't help anyone.
I would also suggest getting some family counselling for your children as they are in an unhealthy environment and need to be taken care of.
Please get some help for yourself to reteach and retrain your mind so that you are not ruled by your fears and insecurities.
It will get worse and you do stand to lose your wife if you can not bring yourself to humble yourself and work on changing.
Give your wife the space she needs but insist on marriage counselling. If she say no, please still work on counselling for yourself and children.
Things can improve so long as you work on improving yourself.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (7 August 2006):
 You are losing your temper because you are losing control.Your wife is feeling low and you want her to prop you up but she cant because it would never be enough...you will always want that bit more.Please go to your doctor and get help now...before its too late.
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A
male
reader, xr6t +, writes (6 August 2006):
xr6t is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your answers,
Yes your answers have been correct.
I find it soooooo hard to give my wife space when i dont feel loved or im never 100% sure she is coming back.
I have been trying to talk to her for months now and she does not want to talk (she says im driving her crazy wanting to talk every 5 mins)
I have tried telling her how i feel and what she can do to help me and she says thats your problem,she has said that she is depressed with me (she suffered depression 4 years ago and went off medication because it made her fat now she doesnt want to have a bar of medication or councilling)
Last night i had a massive panic attack and asked her for a cuddle she said no)
I lost my temper and punched the wall.
I have realy done it this time as she doesnt want anything to do with me as she is scared of me (i would never hurt her or the kids and i told her this)
What have i done i realised 3 months of pain and anger within me (tried to be on best behaviour)
And no i have undone everything
Can anyone help
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 August 2006):
 This isn't overprotectiveness, this sounds more like possessiveness. I agree with shania about the panic attacks. Your reactions to your wife's absences is over the top and could be helped with medication. See your physician ASAP. I think your wife will be more willing to come home to you if she knew she was free to come and go without any drama each time. You need to get a grip and I think seeing the doctor will be your first step in the right direction. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (6 August 2006):
It sounds to me like you are scared of losing her to another man,or that you dont really trust her when she is out on her own.Why dont you like being on your own?...is it because you would miss her or that you are bored?..I could be wrong but you might be suffering from panic attacks hence that burning feeling you have everytime she goes out.If your wife didn't love you she wouldn't of come back to you but while you suffocate her,you will drive her away,is that what you really want? I would see your doctor and see if it is that your suffering from and whether therapy or medication will help to allievate the anxiety.In the mean time i would try and give the space she wants as long as she is not out every night painting the town red.All couples need time on their own and if you were to be constantly glued to each other's hips then that would be very unhealthy....you might like that because she is there with you 24/7 but she is feeling like a trapped animal,getting more and more resentful.I know you care about her,but think carefully on what i said..see your doctor because it does sound to me like a mental thing.Good luck.
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