A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 18, my bf is 34. We've been seeing each other for six months. I'm happy with him and he seems happy too. Lately though, we never seem to go out anymore. We cook at his place, read, watch movies and go to sleep and he clings to me like crazy and when he lets me go a little, he sighs and covers his eyes. Last night, he was a little distant coming home from work. This morning, he said he was sorry (without me saying anything) and that there were things troubling him. I asked if he wanted to talk, but he simply smiled, thanked me and said he wasn't quite ready yet. I'm troubled about a few things too, things I dont voice. I have this raging fear that I may be pregnant, I have no evidence yet but I have a strange feeling. I wonder if he feels the same...the other day, out of nowhere, he said : I could be your dad... I'm doing something unforgivable with you." I shook my head. He sighed, hugged me and said nothing else. We care for each other, if Im ever sick or troubled, hes there for me. Whats going on?
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female
reader, holliegeorgie.x  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I think to begin with he never thought this was a serious relationship, a bit of fun. Your beautiful, fresh and make him feel young again. What more could he want? He didn't realize he'd begin to fall for you though. Then you move in, your at the age you want to party etc and hes middle aged. He watches you grow healthy whilst in his eyes he just feels old. For any man this could be daunting. I think mainly he's feeling the pressure about growing old and doubting the relationship. Uncertain if he loves you maternally or as in boyfriend and girlfriend. He is too old for you and your both different in a lot of ways, you must remember this.
You have to confront him on his feelings. Think about whether the relationship is going to work or not. You need to talk and don't let he back out of speaking about it. It's very important. I wish you the best, and for the pregnancy defiantly take the test. You need to know, good luck :) xx
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I think a man of his age would know what he wants, his statements show that he is feeling that this relationship is not a good fit, for him, I could be your Dad.
If he thought she would regret her choice someday, he's mature enough to ask her the simple question, does our age difference bother you? Do you think I am too old for you? In fact I bet dollars to donuts he's already asked her that question.
No one said he wasn't into her because she is too young, but he is not at all sure that this relationship will stand the test of time for his reasons, not hers, the age difference is bothering him, very much for reasons we can't really name here.
I am sure when he is ready to tell her he will, or she can try to pry it out of him, but good luck with that.
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (28 August 2010):
No, he will stick by you if you are pregnant. He sounds like a stand-up guy.
As others have said, people are probably giving him a hard time. Making him feel like a paedophile. At the very least, that he is taking advantage of you.
You need to nip this full in the bud if you want to keep him. A lot of people picking on him would be guys, his friends, and a good proportion of them would be simply jealous, but justifying their scolding with "it's not right".
Maybe you should say to him "maybe it's not right, you lucky sinner!" or something like that. Tell him "let's go out and make people jealous. Stuff what they say."
There isn't a lot you can do.... I suggest you let him read your question and these answers.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (28 August 2010):
I think Dirtball has it about right. You do sound more mature than most young 18 year old girls, however, the fact that your boyfriend is a middle aged man, 16 years older than you he is more than likely mostly interested in the sex he has with you, this could be a symptom of his mid life crisis which many men go through right about this age, they realize they aren't as virile as they once were, their lives are about half over and they may have some regrets about lost youth and are trying to recapture that and shore up their sagging self esteem with a much younger girl, and it works for awhile.
But then reality sets in and there is something lacking in your relationship because you are on different levels emotionally, in life, in physical age. The 16 year age gap is even more glaring in this regard because YOU are still so young and haven't really lived yet, he on the other hand has. You really aren't a full adult yet, you are still figuring out who you are and your personality and interests will change considerably in the next five 10 years, where he is pretty set in his ways by now.
I am not saying he doesn't have genuine feelings for you, but I think it is dawning on him that this relationship is not fair to you, and he doesn't see it lasting long term.
I am sure he will wrestle with this for awhile, but I would prepare yourself for the inevitable break up, that's just my opinion. I really do think he is way too old for you at this stage of your life.
You could be feeling sick just due to worry and stress, or even allergies, the best way to tell if your pregnant of course is to get a test and stop worrying about the unknown. May I suggest you get on the birth control pill if you are sexually active, the responsibility for birth control pretty much falls on you, and the pill is the only near 100% effective method and new types similar to it, like the patch.
Take care, and take care of yourself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): When I was 19 I thought I fell in love with a man who was 18 years older than me, had 4 kids from previous relationships, the oldest of which was a year older than me.
Although he loved being with me, thank God he understood that it will not have a future, he never expected much commitment from me, just enjoyed my company, and I enjoyed his.
My "love" ended about 6 months after, I met someone my own age. To this day some 14 years later, I am still close with his youngest daughter who was 8 yrs old when we met and no will be 21.
I hope you are not pregnant, but if you are, you do need to tell him, he's old enough to figure out what to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have no idea how to tell him if I am...if he really feels guilty like most of you aunts and uncles believe, this will really compound. Hes older but I don't feel hes ready to be a father. He's amazing with children but theres something hesitant in his interactions, a little fear. My godchild hugs him and he looks helplessly at me. I dont want to force this on him, but I'm terrified.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 August 2010):
 If some smells make you physically sick, then I would bet good money on it you are pregnant. Go and take a test. It's the only way. Then you can start dealing with what is most probably happening.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 August 2010):
Bless him. He is starting to feel really bad about the age difference. He is starting to feel uncomfortable about it, like he has done something wrong. As he is more with you, in day to day situations, he is realising that you are just a kid really, and he is feeling ashamed of himself for being in a relationship with you, as if he had taken advantage of you.
People often have wild flings with 18 year olds, but they don't often set up relationships, precisely because there is such a difference in life experience and stage of life.
If you do turn out to be pregnant, I am sure he will stand by you and it will be ok, because it sounds like he really loves you. But it is actually BECAUSE he loves you that he is feeling bad.
Try not to worry - am sure he cares v much about you, and will look after you whatever happens. Just wait to hear what he has to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, TimmD, we were "unsafe" once and I'm aware that nature has no pity on a single mistake...I almost passed once in the middle of the night getting water, got very nauseous. My bf had to help me back to bed and for the first time in months I had nightmares and he had to wake me. My appetite changed, and some smells make me physically sick. It could be nothing, but I still worry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): A man who is 20 years older than me said the exact same thing to me once, and it turned out that people had been saying that he shouldnt have anything to do with me, partly because of the age gap, and partly because he had done some stupid things when he was younger. i think he does care about me but i'm not really sure where i stand with him. it's a shame that people stick their noses in sometimes. we ddint get a chance to get to know one another as people were being like that from the beginning. it isn't fair.
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male
reader, James the Rocket +, writes (27 August 2010):
Don't be so sure he is feeling so guilty, people. I think he is feeling self-conscious. I've had a few older women.. after one or two dates they don't want to go out any more.
For a man it must be worse. It's no longer a 'desperate housewives' thing, but a 'dirty old man' thing.
The age gap is noticeable. When you are 26, he will be 42. When you are 34, he will be 50.
He wouldn't have a clue you might be pregnant. That's a red herring. Someone may have had words to him, as cocoqueen88 suggested. The father thing is a red flag.
Have a serious talk with him about going out on dates, as I do have a feeling he may just be using you for sex at home. You might be his hot young thing and he may be using the father thing as an excuse... because really, if that is how he feels, he wouldn't be rutting with you.
It's not looking good, I must say.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 August 2010):
 The others have pretty much summed it up. He's having doubts about your relationship due to the age difference.
As far as your issue goes, are you two practicing safe sex? Why do you think you are pregnant?
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 "he said : I could be your dad... I'm doing something unforgivable with you." Now that could be his issue. and that statement is true. he feels guilty about being with you. Some people can do the big age gap relationship... but it sounds like he can't. somebody probably said something to him about dating you and now he's feeling terrible.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 He's having doubts about your relationship, it sounds like someone has been telling him your relationship isn't right. Although it is perfectly legal. Age is just a number but you both have to be on the same page maturity wise. You sound like a mature young woman, I would approach him about the subject find out what's wrong, let him know you're here to listen it's best to be out with it than in with it. Wait till you miss a period or are a week late and if it comes you just spot...to take a pregnancy test. First focus on what's eating at him..
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 August 2010):
 He's likely questioning his feelings for you. He's wondering if he cares for you like a BF or a father/big brother. I don't have any doubt that he likely loves you very much, but I think he's concerned about the age difference. You haven't had the chance to lead your life as much as he has. He may feel like he's holding you back. He may be wondering why you're with him and how you view him.
The good news I see is that he's sorting these things out and will talk to you when he's ready. I would suggest getting a pregnancy test so you know if you are indeed pregnant. That's something you should both know asap.
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