A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:An uncle of mine very recently died quickly (it took 3 weeks from diagnosis)of cancer. Although from England, he was in his 60s, living in France and doing up a house to sell-on. As a family member I was pleased he kept in touch by email as few members of my family do and I feel really sad about the circumstances of his passing. I have been upset by comments my mother has made about him since which are completely typical of her attitude towards everyone, including me, i.e. judgemental and that what people do is not good enough, or 'normal' or wrong. She said that he has left a mess of debt behind for his son to sort out and that 'at his age he should be leaving things in an orderly fashion' and that he is a philanderer and that he begged money off people. I find that my parents have alienated most members of my family because they don't fit their own style and that, as a result I have no contact with uncles, aunts, cousins etc because things have become sour at my parents generation level. This latest criticism is outrageous as of course my uncle had every intention of completing the renovation and paying the money back - it was hardly his plan to die so quickly. I am so hurt by the remarks. I tried to reason with her but she just can't seem to help the comments. She also picks on me and things I do just because she's had a conversation with a neighbour who's daughter appears to visit more often, has three wonderful children etc etc. I don't seem to be able to make her see that her comments are pushing everyone away and are completely unacceptable. She hasn't spoken to her own sister for 10 years and has nothing to do with my dads sister or mother. Sometimes I feel really sad and lonely about it and the lack of family connections that therefore result for me. I wish I could find a way to deal with this - her views really get under my skin - and I don't think she should share opinions like these. Any help appreciated very much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lilli b +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Speak to your mum and tell her how you feel and express the distress you feel specifically about the comments about your uncle. It may not be helpful to bring up the whole family rift thing as it could end up in total war between you but you are an adult and you can make your own choices.
Find your family and communicate with them -let your mum know and give her the opportunity to let you know her feelings (you don't need to share these but there may be more to this than you see) and then make a decision based on what is right for you and your core values. There is no reason why you can't build bridges with your family for your self, you don't need to build bridges on behalf of your mother and can contact those you wish to restore relationships with as your own person.
It's possible that you can't change your mum but having a stonking great argument won't make you feel better. Be clear about what makes you unhappy and what you intend to do and chances are, even if she doesn't follow suit, she will secretly admire the fact that you are your own person who behaves well and from a deep set of core values.
I hope it goes well for you and remember, your mother's comments can't change how you feel about the people you care about
A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (16 October 2007):
You will probablly never be able to change your mom. You can reach out and be your own person by not repeating her mistakes.
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