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My man calls me stupid all the time, I'm starting to look differently at him, what do you think?

Tagged as: Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 December 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 May 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, *earlgirl24 writes:

My man calls me stupid all the time and it's really starting to hurt me and change the way I look at him. I have also have notice that he doesn't seem to be attractive to me anymore. I asked him if he still thought I was and he said yes but it doesn't feel like it.

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A female reader, karenet24 Canada +, writes (29 May 2009):

I know. Mine does it to me all the time too. Every time he does I get that horrible feeling in my chest. I've begged him to stop so many times, but he doesn't care. It's not one specific thing, it's everything and anything. I can't even talk to anyone about this because I don't want anyone thinking less of him or myself. It not only hurts, it makes you lonely inside and so depressed when it gets to the point that you believe he will never stop doing it. I started counting days, and he's on an 11-day streak.

I don't know what to do.

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A female reader, Carmody Indonesia +, writes (22 December 2008):

My husband calls me stupid too.... he belittles me. I understand what Liewe for example is saying... never doubt yourself, and we do deserve to be happy. but sometimes I AM stupid... and I wonder how, if we never doubt ourselves, we would ever have the impetus to improve ourselves. I agree that it's wrong to belittle someone... and I think there are underlying reasons for someone to do this, to one they supposedly 'love'.

Sometimes I can't stand the way he makes me feel about myself, and sometimes I think these are the lessons I have to learn anyway, for myself. I've been divorced twice already! There is no way I want to get divorced again! I have to make this work! I love this man, though I don't love what has happened to us. However, since I do still love him, I owe it to him and myself to figure this out.

Sometimes, in especially objective and lucid moments, I can clearly see what I should do and the way to change the patterns we have created. Though as soon as emotions are charged and we are in the crackling air of disagreement, objectiveness becomes objectiveness and the pattern plays itself out, in the absence of the objective navigator your psyche is hijacked by auto pilot.

In many ways I feel that I owe to it to my self as a person to deal with this situation ( at least my side of it) and not run away from it. You don't develop as a person by running away and setting yourself up to only be 'happy' and successful in 'soft situations'. In another way, my ego quite strongly objects to having to bend to the will of another.... (meaning that, if I improve, it's almost like agreeing with him, that I am stupid, impulsive, inconsistent etc and therefore need to improve myself). So after having said all that, I actually have no advice for you... being locked in a similar struggle myself... maybe it's just a case of admitting.... I'm actually NOT stupid, I'm actually quite intelligent, but due to various weaknesses or other reasons, am often seen to be making stupid mistakes or ill reasoned decisions. So shoot me! If you love me however, you'll just let it go and love the things you love about me regardless, just like I love you even though you're an anal complaining superior asshole!

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A male reader, baddogbj China +, writes (19 December 2008):

baddogbj agony auntDon't tolerate it. He has a problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008):

Dear Pearlgirl,

I understand you are hurting right now.I have been called Stupid as well.

I was hurt inside.I tried my level best not to show it on my face.I acted cool and said,"Only a stupid person can recognize another stupid person.So we are a great team.huh?".He was angry at the moment I told it.Then he broke down laughing,hugged me and said "I am so sorry".

To this day he has not called me names again.But if you are losing the attractiveness to this person,I suggest you talk to him about it.

If a relationship doesn't make you happy its not worth staying on in the relationship.Life is very short to be spent unhappily.

Hope you feel better soon.Merry Christmas!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008):

He is breaking you down,destroying your self esteem, self confidence and self image. Don't allow him to do this to you. Take control of your life and stop him from having so much power and influence on you with such manipulative ways. This is verbal abuse!

This is not a healthy relationship and I agree with the other poster, get out of the situation.

Never doubt yourself, you deserve to be happy and you deserve the best. Let this guy go find some professional help to overcome his problems and issues. Don't allow him to make you his "punch bag"! Be strong, stand up for yourself and take control of your life! Take care!

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