A
female
age
30-35,
*elples
writes:My boyfriend and I started college not too long ago. It's a long distance relationship. I had the upper hand since I started it during summer, and everytime class ended or between my classes, I'd call him and he would always pick up. The long distance relationship wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The only disadvantage was that I didn't see him but it didn't bother me since I was able to talk to him whenever I wanted. But since he started college, it's like he has no time for me. Like the first week, I brought it up during the weekend, since I figured he started and he was getting accustomed to it. I was honest with him, "Let me know now if this is how it's going to be to save us both some trouble." I didn't want him to make a commitment if he didn't even want to. He said he promised that's not how it would be. Yet, gradually each week seems we talk less and less. For example, we talk three times a day, after weeks go by, it seems we only talk one time a day. I brought it up to him time and time again, he said he doesn't see a change. I told him I do and I bring up the examples. We also have more silences in the conversation now. What do I depict from that? This morning we talked about long distance relationship, I brought it up, and asked him if he thinks he could really handle it. He said we both knew how it would be from the beginning so his feelings are still the same for me. He said he hates not seeing me all the time, that's the thing that bothers him. On the other hand, everything bothers me: not seeing him, not being able to talk to him as much. Basically him slowly departing from my life when there use to be a time that we were always together. I also mentioned the saying, "Long distance can either ruin or strengthen a relationship. What do you think?" He said he's 90% sure its strengthening ours. I asked him about the other 10%, he said he's not sure how I feel. He knows I'm more frustrated about our communication than I lead on because I talk about it a lot and what not. Yet, he calls either too late when I'm already sleeping or when I'm out. I sometimes get worried thinking he has another girl (I don't tell him this) but I know it's not true when he tells me about his day, which is usually about baseball. He's trying hard to make it in the college team. Yet, I miss his phone call and he misses mine vice versa. I'm usually the one calling him the most. I tell myself, let me wait for him to call so I won't get on his nerves but I get to a certain point in the day that I can't help it because I'm missing him or just feel lonely up here. I was thinking of just leaving my phone when I go to school so I won't be tempted to call him or be on the verge of annoying him, is this a good idea? I just feel I initiate everything all the time...
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female
reader, Helples +, writes (20 September 2009):
Helples is verified as being by the original poster of the question I didn't mean by I have the upperhand in the relationship, I meant I already knew how the college life would be before he did.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (20 September 2009):
 Young Lady,
LDR's rarely if ever work. They involve a lot of trust and constant communication. None of which it seems you have in this case
9 out of ten LDR's are doomed to failure. And it leaves more wiggle room for him and you to actually find someone you can touch and look into their eyes on a daily basis. And you worrying about other women is probably more factual than paranoid.
Plus in your first paragraph you talking about having "the upper hand". Relationships are not about who wins and who loses. It seems like you are keeping score, and that is not healthy for any relationship, LDR or close
Save yourself a ton of heartache. Date someone in your town
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Let me start off with saying I know how you feel!
My boyfriend (long distance relationship here too) recently went back to college too and promised he'd have time for me! But truth is, he doesnt always. It drove me mad the first weeks. We can't call each other because Im in another continent in fact... But after I said Im going crazy missing him, we agreed on having daily contact.
Every night before bed he e-mails me. And if I dont talk to him that day, I will e-mail him before I go to bed as well. Its a great thing to do, since you'll always be able to write before bed, not like you're too busy then! And then we can tell about our day or anything cute we wanna say to cheer each other up.
A phone call each day is great! Don't be upset because you dont get 3 phone calls a day. It's hard for you now, to be away from him, and you feel you need a lot of contact. But you can't. Make sure that the time you do get to talk to him, you have a good conversation.
You said you go silent sometimes. This can be for a variety of reasons, not that he's not wanting to talk to you. He can be tired. You're tired. Or you're just not that used to phone calls yet, you're still used to having him around and talking directly to him. It's a skill to be learned if you dont have it already, many people don't even like talking on the phone period, no matter who they talk to.
So my suggestions are: Start with steady e-mails. At steady times, so you know when you will get one, and have something to look forward to!
Leave your phone at home! Agree with him BEFORE hand when you will call each other and set aside time for the call. Its also an option to log online and use skype to call each other for FREE plus use webcam to see each other as well!
Set up times for dates! Just because you're far apart doesnt mean you can't do things together! If you stop doing things together, you'll be like any other relationship where couples dont do things together: they drift apart too. You can google what other people in LDR do. Me personally, we go online and show pictures of what we did that day, show what we were wearing etc. Even little things like telling each other what you had for dinner helps! It all helps visualize so you feel closer to each other.
Every day contact is essential, but you have to settle with ONE call a day if thats all he can offer. Keep yourself busy in the meantime and remember that you still have a life! And your life is not by the phone waiting for his calls ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): I would suggest hold off calling him for a couple of days (it seems REALLY hard, I know, bc you love him). Anyway, just do that, occupy ur time by doing hw, hanging out with friends, etc. If he calls you, keep him. If he doesn't, you aren't a priority and this will always happen. (Unless he is REALLY serious about changing.
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