A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Please help I need your advice.My relationship with my long distance Bf for 2 yrs is getting to be in the rock bottom. Our plans to meet each other has been push through due to some personal problems. Lately he has some major problems with his business and his father whom he lost contact for many years passed away 2 months ago died alone somewhere far away from where he lives. He is the only son and no relatives so he gotta claim the body and is now preparing for the burial in few days time. He hates his father for leaving them and his mom died of cancer 7 yrs ago without his father's help not even showing up at the funeral wake. When my bf is under lots of stress he can be really temperamental and sometimes furious of something he hates and venting it all on me thought I understand he is releasing this frustration but we ended up arguing cos I want him to calm down but he will turn to me instead. I cant help to think about what's gonna be my future with this man if this kind of problems occurs again will he be able to change or control? I cant sleep, cant eat, worried and develop fear talking to him. Today is his birthday I sent him an email to wish him happy birthday I am still not ready to talk to him. We been having arguments week ago while chatting I mentioned to him about my cousin in NZ inviting me for a holiday over this December. My bf was so up set and telling me like... would I rather choose to be away from him not thinking that he needed me so bad at this moment of times? he then left me in the air. After that he sent me an email saying "if you dont call me with in 5 minutes, dont you ever call me on the phone ever again" I find it difficult to deal with him when all he thinks is how hurt his feelings is that maybe he will like to see me on December instead which I told him I will he happy if he could make it and we will be together. But I get mad with his demand to call him in 5 mins like what? is he going to throw me away if I dont? which i never did. What the heck is the problem it was only an invitation from my cousin which is in 3 months time and he take it as a big deal besides I never say I am going. So because of that kind of attitude his showing me I stay quite and not talking to him now. He calls me yesterday apologizing and promising that he wont leave me in the air again. But I dont know why i am still getting cold to him I think Im getting tired of this trick he apologize yet there he goes again back to his super sensitive, easily bruised and feeling unwanted like I am going to leave him. His drama being lonely really annoys me sometimes. Look I understand his situation but why cant he focus on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative he has so much things in his hands to handle he gotta be strong not for himself but also for us. With his stress level he becomes so unreasonable, clingy and super sensitive. I love him and i never doubt his love on me sometimes too much that I could think of. I feel helpless on what to do to make things right. Pls help is there any way aside from convincing him how much i love him that I am always on his side what ever happen but I feel like he is pushing me to the limit now. I am trying to be patient as much as I could but he ask too much attention can be unreasonable and temperamental.Thanks for reading my long letter and appreciate your understanding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008):
Of course he's pushing you to the limit, hun. Your bf is having a lot of stress and painful problems going on in his life. While I feel sad for his troubles, it appears many of these problems are unrelated to you. The sad thing here, is that his reactions to the big stresses in his life, are acting as emotional blugeons against you. That is wrong. He's not being mature and rational about what's happening to him and these reactive behaviors of his should be giving you a lot of information about him. His hurt feelings are ruling you and your life. Listen, you have not caused his hurt but you are taking the brunt of it. He has a very immature manner in which he controls his feelings. In fact, you are caught in that perspective that he's sensitive. No, he has immaturity issues masquerading as sensitivity. His behaviors toward you has basically convinced you that you had best be aware of what you say to him, lest you upset him. Even when you you accidently upset him or state the things he doesn't want to hear, he feels he's righteous enough for an emotional assault and manipulation of you. He should be coming to you, calmly and lovingly, looking for support and advice...not doing this. He's expecting you to caretake him, and when you don't...he lashes out..plain and simple. You are getting cool to him because you have had it. Your common sense, your self-respect is kicking in here, your intuition about this guy's behaviors are causing you to pause and think. I would seriously, seriously consider not becoming involved in this man's life, anymore. His behaviors are not that of love..love is giving and caring to each other. My advise, would be to tell him, you are both through, But you state you love him so I don't think you will do that. The next best thing to do, is to tell him you want a more, loving, mutually giving relationship with him and he is to respect you.No more of these immature, reactive behaviors, on his part. This is called setting a boundary and this is really important in love relationships. It gets the other person thinking and either he will learn to get with it or he won't. How he reacts to what you ask of him..will help you with a decision as to whether this relationship is for you. I wish you the best, hun and you really need to be strong and respect yourself enough to never lert anyone treat you like this again.
A
female
reader, penguin64  +, writes (3 October 2008):
 it sounds liek he's a very insecure person. but he shouldnt take it out on you. maybe he just find it hard to deal with his emotions? if u feel liek u cant talk to him why dont you write him a letter? that way he cant argue he just has to read it. also you cold recommend to him to write a diary on how he feels. i knwo it sounds a bit daft but it really helps. im the sort of person that cant handle the way i feel sometimes and so i write it all down and i feel alot better for it. it feels liek ive taken my rage out so no need to shout at some poor person about it! :) hopefully this has helped a little xxx
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