A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have to get some other opinions on this..Ok, so the bigger part of me says I'm being petty, selfish and ungrateful even getting annoyed about this.. but, still, I find it really irritating!So since my partner and I bought a house, my inlaws pop in.. usually every 2 days.. often every day. They drop us something they've grown for us or they might bring us a paper they think we might want to read. Although this is generous and I always thank them very much for thinking of us, it always just feels like if they're bringing something, they think that means it's fine to just call up, at whatever time of day that suits THEM, regardless of whatever we're doing, because THEY want somewhere to go.I would love to be one of those ultra tidy people.. but the fact is, I always have a project on the go, or I'm making a beautiful meal for tea. Even though my house is usually "lived in", I am very houseproud and when I know people are visiting, I would like to know in advance, so I can spend a few hours getting everything spick and span.It's nice our inlaws think of us, bring us little things and want to be a part of their son's life so much.. but I hate knowing that they could turn up at ANY time - sometimes 11am, sometimes 9pm. I am a very private person and so never knowing when that impromptu visit's going to happen, I never feel like I have any privacy in my new place. I would NEVER want to come between my partner and his parents. They are very close and that's great. I just wish they could come over, say, once a week.. for a few hours and I could have the house in order and have a lovely meal waiting and be PREPARED.. rather than never knowing WHEN that car's going to creep up the driveway. Basically, it's daily or every 2 day visits for 15-20 minutes.. but I'd rather one BIG visit.. I hate these little annoying pop ins that I think are disruptive to our day. And of course, you always want to make a good impression with your inlaws. Let's face facts though and I hope I don't sound terrible saying this, but do you really want to see your inlaws EVERY day? I chuckle to myself quietly thinking that if they don't see their son daily, they'd probably go into withdrawal.Ok, so I'm prepared for some horrible truths. I know I sound ungrateful and so petty.. the logical part of me says it's crazy to feel annoyed at this. I should feel so appreciative and happy to see them. My feelings on this make me doubt whether I'm really a very kind person at all. But I can't seem to change how I feel. It does cause friction between my partner and I because VERY occasionally I'll gripe about them showing up "again" and he's not too happy to hear anything said about his parents. I will always look like the dragon. This is really the ONLY thing we have issues around. He loves to see them every day, I cringe.I look forward to hearing your opinions, no matter what they are. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): Thank you everyone for your excellent advice - especially CindyCares :) This has been a huge help to me!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): i think you just have to set it out to them that you want them to fix up a proper dinner date and not to call casually.
If you dont tell them ,then how can they know.
They may be finding reasons to pop in just to show good face.
Why cant you just let them know that you are very busy working on projects and positively antisocial at those times but youd love a catch up session with dinner at their house every so often.
how about next weekend?
But not casual drop in meetings because its disrupting your work.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 December 2015):
 OP, I feel for you and I do not think you are being unreasonable or "mean " at all. As a person who cherishes her space and privacy, I'd go berserk if I were in your shoes. To me it's not even a matter of liking or disliking the visitors, or of " not standing on ceremony " because they are family. Why,so from your family,then you get less respect and consideration than a stranger would give you?!
When my son comes over, he always texts me in advance. Ditto when I go to my Mom, I always call her first, - and she is a very old lady who by now is at home most of the day doing nothing special !. My son is always very welcome in my home, as I am at my mom's. But , that's not the point, how much the visit is appreciated. The point is that even moms and closest relatives can be taking an extra nap or standing under their shower or, ahem, sitting on their toilet etc., heck ! playing with their vibrator if they want !lol .... and have the right to finish these operations in peace and privacy.
I know that other people are more casual or, if you want, less "uptight " about impromptu visits, - to each his own, as for me I cannot do it and can't have it any other way, so I understand your dismay. Your in laws mean well and want to show their affection, but they do not understand - or pretend not to understand - that anyway they are going to somebody's else house, not their own, so different rules may apply, and specifically that this is not just their son's place, it's your place too.
Said that, OP, I feel you are fighting an uphill battle... or possibly a lost one. The time to sort all this out was BEFORE getting married, or at the beginning of the daily visiits. Then you should have set boundaries. Now, if you have been tolerating all this for years, without ever approaching the subject ,- asking them to stop all of a sudden will probably be seen as rude, aggressive, mean, uncalled for , whathaveya.
You could , I guess, talk again to your husband- calmly and serenely, and explain him that's nothing personal against his parents, who you are very fond of , and that you'd do the same with your own family and best friends. You just have your times and rythms, need your privacy, ARE working even if ( I suppose ) you are a stay at home housewife: THAT's your work and you deserve not to have it interrupted so often and so randomly, same as if you were a dental assistent or a teacher or a bank clerk. That this is not about disliking your in laws should be proven enough by the fact that you are willing to entertain them for a whole day, offering them a big meal and basically putting yourself at their disposal once a week. If he wants to see them more often, HE can go visit them.
Let me tell that , even if it's worth a try, -everything is worth a try - I am pretty sure you won't accomplish anything. You married a very devoted son- or a mama's and dad's boy, according to different points of view, and you aren't going to change that so late in the day.
So, what are your default options ?
First of all, forget, totally forget, about spic and span and houseproud. Hey, that 's the house where you live, sleep, work, cook, eat,.... it can't be picture perfect every moment of the day. I am sure you to the best that you can, and that should be enough for any uninvited visitor. And even if you were a slob,... well, that's YOUR house, you can keep it as you want without having to account for it to anybody. If your in laws like spic and span- then they can give you ample notice of their visits !. So, that's a problem only in your mind- and the solution is to change your mindset :)
Second, if they come to see their SON, I suppose he is always there too ? Then, let him do the honours. Let him answers the door, offer coffee and drinks, engagé them in conversation, etc. etc. Don't be hostile, of course, say Hi how are you when they come in, and Bye, drive safely when they go away.... but immediately excuse yourself and just keep doing whatever you were doing, cooking or whatnot. People understand better actions than words - you need to SHOW them that unluckily you do not have time for all these impromptu visits. If they want to shoot the breeze or grab a snack,- there's their son for that, but you are busy. BE adamant, be consistent- eventually they'll get it and decrease their visits, or they won't but at least will get used to stay off your hair and not come to you for attention.
If , instead I got it wrong, and they show up unannounced when your husband is at work- no, then you have to put your foot down. It may be unpleasant but it is necessary, because your husband needs to respect you too, not just his parents ! Tell him he needs to arrange for this visits to happen when he is there, because you cannot guarantee that you are at home.
And, btw, do not be at home so much. Maybe I am wrong, but it sounds like you are kind of a big homebody if people can find you at home at all hours day and night. Maybe it's just the time to start going to the gym or volunteering or going shopping in another neighborhood or taking long walks...two birds with a stone : ): you get to liven up your routine a bit,.... and people soon loses the habit to come and " catch " you at home, if you rarely are there....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): Aw I feel your pain. I too am house proud but kinda messy. I would feel very stressed if I had to keep clean house every day while working etc for uninvited guests! I currently live with my in laws so I understand as they too lack the concept of personal space. You need to talk to your partner. It would best to come from him. My partner has no issue saying such to his family and I hope yours doesn't too. Best of luck
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (15 December 2015):
 This could be a job for your husband. It will be much better that he tells them to give you a bit of space as they are his parents. How he does this depends on his relationship with them.
Personally I would always be doing something else, like having a bath, going to bed, or just a vague, 'I'm sorry I've got something on the go right now. Can we catch up next week?'
They probably feel they are being supportive. Ironic isn't it that their concern is a cause of distress for you.
Alternatively if you don't want to delegate to your husband then on one of their visits sit them down with a cup of tea and tell them they don't have to come so often, and that you are quite all right. Then thank them for their concern and tell them you will call them next week. You can then invite them so they get the idea they are still wanted, but not all the time.
It is the way of some people to always be in each other's houses. It doesn't work for everyone though as many will appreciate.
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