A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi just wanting some advise really.My boyfriend who I've been seeing for 18 months had a porn site on his phone history a while back. I didn't go snooping he had handed me the phone himself. I guess he had forgotten it was in his history anyway he said he didn't know how it got there and kept saying this.I didn't believe him and then yesterday when we were out having a coffee he said he would need to relieve himself that night because I couldn't see him due to a change of plans. I wasn't impressed because I straight away thought of what he would be relieving to. He has lots of sexy photos of me but tastefully done and no nudity. Just teasing which he likes.I don't have a problem with him relieving at all and always believed it was over my photos as he said he did if we weren't together at that time but now I wonder. He knew what I was thinking and why and last night when we messaged the comment he made at the coffee shop was mentioned he seemed to be playing games saying if you say I went on that site then I must have. I said I just wanted the truth no matter what because i can't stand lies and see no need for them. He then seemed to admit it and I was relieved. I did ask why he needed that trash because our sex life is very active. He then said he put the site in out of curiosity but changed his mind when he went onto the category section. Why not say this weeks ago then?He said he felt shame and I said there is no shame if he then decided against it which I don't believe there is.Even if he had so what just be honest.I want to believe him but he often stares at women when we are out and denies it constantly or says that he didn't see a woman.He looked a young woman up and down in a coffee shop with me back in the summer and made her feel uncomfortable as soon as she had her takeaway coffee she couldn't wait to,leave. I told him that at the time. Apaarently he had been looking for an empty table according to him but I saw him clearly and so did this poor woman.He couldn't say anything to that other than say it wasn't his intention.So no I don't believe him now because he denies staring not just once often a few times at a female.Today we saw each other and talked and I wanted to put it behind us once and for all. He said he's never looked at other women which is a lie once again. As for the porn site I actually wanted to believe him but I now don't. Maybe I should stare at other men see how he likes it and then deny it
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reply to When Cows AttackAnd I stand by what I say you clearly have no idea when it comes to giving advice. You didn't read my post properly that was clear in the first instance.The post was about a lie and could have been about anything.The comment he made about my toy was once and I laughed and said I'd forgotten I even had it as I feel no need for it since us which is true.I didn't take offence at the time with what he said, why would I. He didn't say it nastily but I did think it a bit of a cheek when I saw that on his phone. You choose to not give a toss if your husband looks at porn that's up to you.I actually think it's pretty sad to be like that to not actually care. I actually don't know of anyone that would say that. I didn't go looking to see if my fella did I just saw it on his history when I googled something and was surprised. Then he lied and that was where the problem really started.People have issues with porn for many reasons it's not always just because your partner is 'getting off' on the image of someone else.Instead of having a go when giving advice you should be asking questionsAnd trying to work out why the problem came about and try to offer solutions and ways that they can resolve whatever the issue is.That is how someone who actually wants to help another conducts themselves.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (19 December 2015):
Sorry you were offended by my advice. I make no apologies for it. That little heart next to my name means that other users feel differently.
I do not believe in coddling users who ask for advice. I stand by my assertion that your respective obsessions with one another's masturbatory habits is controlling and immature and unhealthy. I'm glad that you love each other but speaking from experience this sort of behavior is invasive and will eventually damage your apparently otherwise idyllic relationship.
You asked for advice, and should be prepared to potentially not like the answers you receive. Your refusal to even consider the perspective that this behavior is unhealthy further imprints in my mind the fact that there is a level of immaturity at play.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo When Cows Attack. The counselling bit made me laugh because of my occupation but seriously the bit about growing up was laughable.
You really don't have any idea about giving advice I really would suggest
You find something else to do In your spare time.
After all not everyone has the intellect or empathy do this and you clearly don't.
To the others that have taken the time to read my post properly thank you for your time and advice. I'm happy to say that today I spoke to my fella and we chatted properly. He has Insecurities from way back that have clouded his ideas but he has always said he trusts me even when he has sounded accusing. I know he loves me more than anything and I've been the happiest I've been in a long time with him. I've told him how I feel when he makes me feel low and he understands this and we've agreed to talk when something niggles us and not let anything fester. We talk loads anyway about our children and family and we laugh so much and enjoy each other's company. He's also incredibly romantic and has been since day 1 so it's certainly not all bad and I'm not the type of woman that would stay with someone who makes me miserable. He asks my advice for all sorts of things and he has always said he feels a closeness with me he has never experienced before. What I'm saying is the good points far outweigh any bad things.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (18 December 2015):
Given the new information (he demands to know whether you're masturbating, WTF???) this is a very codependent and unhealthy relationship. Masturbating is normal, healthy, and not in any way cheating, and frankly it's childish and immature and controlling to demand information about it from your partner.
You two need counseling desperately, or just to grow up. People in healthy relationship do not behave in this manner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I wrote my last post on here this morning he was sending lovely messages to me about how he feels about me.He opens up in a way that I love and he makes the extra effort to do that because when we were together as teens he never did and came across as someone who didn't give a toss because he had a bad life at home that no one knew anything about including me.He makes me feel amazing at times but can also ruin it as well.The porn I can live with despite my very strong reasons for being against it.I won't disclose that reason on here but he knows why I feel this way and understands totally because he was in my life all those years ago.I was then married for a long time and I'm sure my husband looked at porn.My point being if I was to find out he did he wouldn't have lied about it. Being honest is all I've ever asked for and I don't think that is in any way unreasonable. I've had other things to deal with my fella things that have nothing to do with us and before we were together but still enough to have an impact on us if I'd let it and I have put a huge amount of trust in him over time. To find he is capable of lying will kill my feelings for him and I don't want that. I'm hoping that he will realise that before it is too late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasn't a case of going on and on about it as you put it.It may have been mentioned three times all in all before his comment on Sunday about needing relief. I chose to put it out of my mind when we were together since I saw it in October and I see him pretty much every day.If I were to use the sex toy I've had for a long time he would go nuts, he has asked me many times if I use it when we are not together and I said no because it's true. I don't feel the need to lie and told him I would rather use that with him anyway than alone.And yes he knew I was telling him the truth. If I had used it and I told him I wouldn't hear the end of it with him telling me he isn't enough for me.If he saw me looking at other men constantly he would have a go at me.Funnily enough I don't notice other men other than a passing glance because I'm happy with the person I'm with.For all I know he's looked at porn all along and If I don't know why would I care anyway. But for me it's the lying. A guy at a tyre fitting shop likes me and has made it clear. I'm not interested and never have been. My fella goes on about it all the time saying I bet you've seen Jamie today. I've only seen Jamie when I've taken the car to have new tyres and yes I'm honest about it. I'm not going to say I went elsewhere when I haven't. He's a friend nothing more who I've known for a couple of years and genuinely is nice.So my fella sees other men as a threat even though I've never shown interest in anyone else.Seems pretty unfair really to have him act that way when I've never done anything to warrant it.His exes all cheated on him and were complete whores according to him.I'was married for a long time with 2 amazing kids and faithful.He was my first love when we were teens so this is our second chance.But if he is going to lie I will walk away for good.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (16 December 2015):
He lied about it because he's embarrassed and knows you'd be pissed. That's common. It's clear from your post that you've gone on and on and on about it.
I don't care what kind of porn my husband looks at, I don't look for it and I don't ask about it. If he volunteers the info that's fine, really I don't care either way though.
Anyway, if you can't handle it then maybe you should just break up with him.
As far as looking at other women, I'd personally tell him that he needs to be more discreet about it. He's going to look but he doesn't need to be a douche about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd replying to when cows attack.Where did you get the nagging from?? I looked at him puzzled when I saw that site on his phone because of what he had said before.He straight away lied. And I knew. Why lie what does that achieve?I loved him for his supposed honesty so yes lies will make me walk away.He says about other men liking me because I'm beautiful, bubbly and have a gorgeous figure. I've never felt the need to look at other men since himBecause I am that happy and content and only have eyes for him.But then he looks at another women and not just once and I feel so worthless which I've told him. Do you have any idea how bad it makes me feel to have him insist he hasn't stared at another woman when it's been so obvious. Another lie and yes he almost sounds convincing.The porn I don't like for a very strong reason that he knows. But although I don't like it It's not enough to cause a problem between us and he knows this too. I had lies in my marriage and it destroyed it so he knows that honesty is vital to me. He's always said he doesn't believe in lying and would never hurt me ever. I'm the love of his life but if he carries on he will be alone because I will walk away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): Its hard for me to explain but I had exactly the same problem with my ex. When you read this problem you think hes just being a guy. Who doesn't look at women and porn? Its different with different guys.When you feel secure in a relationship and a guy makes you feel like his number one these things seem much less relevant. I have since had two boyfriends who sometimes looked at porn and were open about it. They also glanced inoffensively as an attractive woman walked past. I think this is so much more to do with how this guy makes you feel in your relationship. I have since learnt that sometimes things become problems when they are in fact masking other things that you cant put your finger on.For me these feelings boiled down to trust. Inside I felt my ex was a bit 'seedy' and there was something about his sneakiness and lying about little trivial things that I couldnt relax with. This for me was enough to let him go.Isnt it all about how a person makes you feel when you are in a relationship with them. He doesnt make you feel safe and secure. If you havent felt this with other genuine guys this says a lot!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the op of this question.It's the lies I'm struggling with. I can't say I'm too impressed at the idea of porn on his phone when he has always made a point of telling me he doesn't need or want it. Why lie? Then seeing it and yes I was surprised because I actually believed he wasn't fussed about it. But to lie and say he put something completely different in and that porn site came up??? I mean seriously why do that? If he was honest at the time and had said he was curious but then changed his mind once he got to categories section fine I wouldn't have thought anymore of it. We have an amazing sex life and very very frequent so I don't get it.As for looking at other women and denying it and saying he didn't see a woman he clearly stared at is just plain hurtful. He wants us to live together and get married but at the moment we have too many problems and at this early stage alarm bells are going off. I was married for a very long time and I've never had these issues ever before. Of course men look at women but to openly do it and keep looking at the same person is just really bad.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 December 2015):
I don't really understand the mentality some women have regarding porn. Specifically, nagging and nagging and nagging, then wondering why he doesn't want to talk to you about it.
Yes, your guy looks at porn. Yes, so do 98% of all other men. If he doesn't have an addiction of some sort leave it be for goodness sake. Why the harassment?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): I can see your concerns and no, you are not imagining them. Nor are you wrong for addressing them with your boyfriend.
These things make you uncomfortable and make you feel like he is using you sexually and does not truly love you in the way you are hoping for. In the way a man comitted to a woman should love her. By being respectful of her and true to her. That means never, ever ogling other women in front of you and never feeling the need to register on or look at any porn sites. Yeah guys look at porn and other women but if it becomes too often to the point where it bothers you this much and causes arguments then there is something wrong with his behaviour.
I think that this problem will cause a wedge. Because he will not change yet you will keep expecting him to.
So how do you solve it? Asking him to never stare at other women and never look at poem sites? We know that you cannot censor someone. That would become controlling and ownership. He must want to change to make you happy and to keep you. But CAN he? Or is this the sort of person that he really is?
I don't think he can change. And I think you will forever be questioning him and his actions are always going to leave you feeling insecure.
Is the good sex live worth your always being insecure, uncared about, not truly loved and cared for by a man in the way you deserve?
By continuing to have sex with him, you are enabling him to continue his bad behaviour. It's really that simple.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): I am suffering through the same thing. A lot of people say "All men look, they a visual creatures of habit, that they mean nothing by it" - which I find is utter bull. Mainly cause everyone is different.As a woman, I used to watch porn. I would check out other men and woman. That was when I was single. To which I don't find bad. When I got with my husband, I stopped. I had all the sex I could want, he is completely handsome for me. So why do I need to look elsewhere? When I do spend alone time and need to relieve myself. I don't use porn I use what we've done or imagine more to it. When I first started dating my husband I knew of his usage of porn and the thousands of pictures of woman (they sent it to him) now of course, I told him if we were to get serious that needs to stop. The pictures need to be deleted and unless I'm denying you of sex, no more porn. He would check out other women and make comments about their breast/ass etc. I didn't have a big problem about it when we were not married. We got married and then I told him. I've caught him 3x watching porn. Two times during my pregnancy when he wouldn't touch me and another time just last month. He tried to lie the final time till I went "bitch mode" I know she. I'm being lied to plus he is horrible at lying. He told me, he means no harm. All men look, creature of habit and its just the visual of it that turns him on. Not the women. But, I still can't connect the two... I refuse to do stuff like that cause in my mind it's cheating. We are still working on this matter, but that being said. I am married to him. I must work on these things with him. Though I love him with all my heart, if we were not married and a this happen. I would leave him. I don't enjoy being hurt and I believe when you love somebody they do something to hurt you, they would never do it again.So unless you are ready to turn this into a serious relationship with this man (who lies to you) I would leave. It's not worth the pain and everyone deserves to be with someone who will not hurt them.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (15 December 2015):
 Could you tease a question out of this please? Is it that you want to know how to make him stop looking at porn? Is it that you want to know if you can trust him?
You are clearly uncomfortable with him having a porn site on his phone and with the fact that he doesn't want to discuss it with you.
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