A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi - from the outset of my long (18 year) relationship with my husband (i have been married for 13) I have been relentlessly put down and bullied by my parents in law. This has ranged from making derogatory comments about my hair and my weight ( I am slim) accusing me of being anorexic to saying that I am cold and emtionless. I have been snubbed in public and when photos have been taken and then shown around I have been humiliated by comments about me. They have also downed by family and I feel I cannot speak in their presence and can't be myself. My husband turned a blind eye and deaf ear to it for years and never stood up for me. This left me resentful towards him and we have argued so many times about him not supporting me. I have tried to explain how I feel to them directly but they rubbished what I said. Now I do not see them and neither they nor any other of his relatives send a birthday card to me but this leaves a huge gap in my life. Other people seem to be liked by their family in law. I have done nothing wrong and my friends cannot understand their actions. Its left me with low self esteem as I never feel good enough - as a person. I would like to know whether men naturally take their parents viewpoint or should support their wife? I think the latter of course but I seem to just accept this situation now but hate it. It has made me wary of ( I have avoided) having children with a man who cannot support his own wife. Please help as I am close to walking away from my marriage with such little support.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I have been with my husband for 10 years we have 3 kids and his family hates me! For the past 8 years I have not been allowed to step foot into their home. Holidays are the worst I get left at home alone while him and my 3 kids go spend time with his family. Mothers Day too! I tried to not let it get to me but I cant take it anymore why do they get to spend the time that I should have with my babies? I am ready to leave him! His family talks bad about me to my kids and he dont say anything to them! He dont stand up for me and I know its is not going to be pretty if I say something because after 8 years I dont have much to say we will just be fighting!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): hi my in laws are also pulling my family apart, to the piont that i really want to walk away from everyone. I have a child of 20 months who is the most beautiful thing, and i do not want to turn her world upside down. trapped! I know it is slowly eating away at my confidence and self worth, to the point that i am questioning me all the while and i cannot get on with my life. It is also turning my away from my partner, as i am angry that i married him and took this awful family on. Things would be so much happier without them all. I think i do the worng thing in being nice to them and doing thnigs for them. as it doesn't make them any better towards me. Can't do right for wrong, is this what life has to offer?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I too have a similar situation, My in laws have always been completely horrible to me ( six years now) . I recently made a descision. I told my husband and i worte to my inlaws and told them not to contact me ever again. I explained to them that they are more than welcome to come to our house, just as long as i am out. I explained to my husband and i think there was a sense of relief. I love him dearly and he loves me but his parents constantly used him as a tool to try and upset me. After doing this i now feel liberated from the whole situation.
I suggest doing this, yes it causes short term problems but then it all dies down. Horay... for not havning anything to do with my inlaws!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I too have been married to a man who has never, ever stood up for me. His entire family has used me as a scapegoat for 15 years. Thus I have entered into many a battle as a lonely army of one against their larger troop. Why do I stay?~two young children (the last of my four) that I would rather spare (at least until they're older) from seeing the inevitable hell that his family will inflict when we do part ways. I'm a strong person - I don't need other people to come to my defense, however, my husband's inability to stand by my side and show his support is unforgivable. He is witness to them screaming & cursing at me - and though he knows fully that they are wrong, he refuses to say anything. My advice to anyone who is newly married and experiencing this: GET OUT WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG. He's not going to change and the situation will continue. Eventually new family will become involved.... it's a vicious cycle. I stay away from all of his family functions. It protects my sanity and there's no one missing me. A mans duty as a husband is to protect and honor his wife. Unfortunately my husband doesn't do either, making me wonder: Who exhibits more inappropriate behavior, my husband or his family?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): i can relate to you fully im actually going thorugh exactley the same thing my husband dont stick up for me infact i get called racial names!! ans they try to put my husbands children against me!! and i have an x wife to deal with and a sister, i am at breaking point i understand fully but make sure you have a child for him cause it will come to a fact where he will have to choose his parents or his wife and kid and they are not going to be around forever!!! good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Please tell your huband you love him and tell him you know how he feels about you but some of his familys statements hurt you alittle because your his wife and tell him to say without causing a fight like she my wife so she must be special or you must not really know her she live with me and cooks good meals and always comes home. This should cool thier heals they might even be jealous of the relationship you have with your husband because they are so unhappy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): It has been 8 yrs together, 2 beautiful children later, one engagement ring, zero wedding, and numerous lost holidays and wrecked family memories- i know exactly what you are going through..he tells me he loves me every day, i still wait however for 2 things more important than love- RESPECT and HONESTY. i have lost trust in him..he always picks his family over me..i see it will never change, i want to leave him because i find it hard to say I LOVE YOU..what kills me is thinking that if i do, someday he will give that RESPECT and HONESTY to someone else and be happy cause his family will probably support whatever woman he finds after me and will make sure that he is happier and that everything was my fault, then i am scared they will turn my own daughters against me, or win their favouritism with spending money on them.. is this screwy or what?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I have a plan. I realized several years ago that my relationship with my husband is a pipe-dream. He continues to put up with his father's unacceptable behavior and to continue the disfunctional relationship with him in order to have the material existence he wants (thinking that he is helpless without his father). My father in law takes full advantage of his power over my husband, but my husband allows it and I've lost respect for both. My husband is a hard worker and not once has his father thanked him for volunteering to help him on the farm.Years ago, my husband's father left my husband's mother for her good friend (a friend that has the behavior of a sociopath). Since then, he has chosen to abandoned all of his children except for my husband (who will jump at his request) and for his new wife, who is a definate gold-digger and horder. I realized these people including my husband are all greedy. And I'm ready to move away and onward. I admit, now that I've done some hard work reading the right books, I recognize that I've stayed way too long in this relationship. My husband and I have kids who have been brought up in it too. They've also been hurt by my messed up father in law (shame on me). eg Our son, an adult, quiet, responsible, on his own, decided to rent a house from my husband's father thinking they would be kind like my parents are (for god's sake he is his grandfather). My son didn't expect to be treated any different than any other renter--he paid his rent on time and kept to himself. However, soon after he moved in, he was attacked by my husband's stepmother's lab-pitbull dog. It came over and attacked him on his own porch, it grabbed hold of his hand ripping it into shreds - his fingers requiring an emergency room visit for stitches. My father-in-law's wife appeared to be more worried about the dog, and mad because we had to hit the dog in order to get it to let go of his hand. A month later my father-in-law (husband's father) tells my son "I am the landlord and landlords are God -- I want you to move in thirty days"--he said it so matter of factly, no expression, no concern. Needless to say, my son was shocked, hurt beyond repair! I was shocked! My husband was shocked! Everyone was shocked that found out. I can't believe my husband would continue to have a relationship with his father after he allowed a dog to attack his own son and then on top of that evict him. I can only believe that everything happens for a reason and so it came to be that my son has moved on and lives in his own place now and is doing very well - is very happy. But every Christmas since, my in-laws bring us all these gifts and it feels really weird since we don't really get-together during the year and my husband is the only one that keeps in contact with them.I know you should forgive others, but this really made me believe my plan is right on. I am almost at the point of saving my money where I can leave. Needless to say, I am planning to leave my husband and his messed up family. It was bad enough that I allowed it, but when having a bad relationship affects my children... that's when you know something needs to happen. I am not going to be revengeful. I believe the best revenge is to go on and live a happy life. I won't be a doormat though and I believe some people are/will always be toxic,--- they'll never get it... and I believe some events are really hard to heal, and when others say, "But he's family you should include him!" ...they just don't know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): My situation is quite similar. I was married 4 and half years back to someone who so to say loves and respects me a lot.
The moment I got married my husband's family (mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law and her husband) starued abusing me and my family. My family went back but as long as my husband's family stayed with us (4 days) my life was alivinh hell - abuses being hurles, derogatory remarks, names called, just short of beating. My husband said he is helpless because these people were his guests. After 4 days they went back to their places. Three months later my mother-in-law and father-in-law came to stay with us for a week. It was once again horrible.
For 3 years, I refused to see them. But life was none better. My husband was very hurt, very angry with me because his parents were hurting. He kept arguing, pressurising me, asking my family to influence me to make things better with his family. He even told me that his parents regret what they have done (this was a lie I came to know). Finally, I gave in and went to his parents house last year. Father-in-law did not create much problem but mother-in-law did her best in a lesser way. They said they will now visit us in 2 months time.
Few months back mother-in-law and father-in-law came to our place. And I was abused badly. It was horrible. My husband silently watched as abuse was hurled at me by his parents. They went away but ai am so hurt and angry, my husband and I have had numerous arguments. He says they are his parents and he cannot leave them whatever they do. He has told me that this situation is non-negotiable and I have to accept it and get on with life. He continues to talk to his parents and behave with them as if nothing has happened.
I am finding it very difficult to accept this and cope up. I have been clinically depressed for the last 4 years, gave up medication few months back because we thought we should start a family now. Only I resent everything so much and find it difficult to love or respect this person I am married to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Your husband will most likely never stand up for you if he hasn't already. You can choose to either (1) leave him or (2) just ignore it and move on. You might try therapy, but if after 18+ years he doesn't stick up for you I doubt he will. Please know my heart goes out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I am in a similar situation. I am recently married (about 8 months now) and my in laws hate me because I don't cook. I clean, work full time, and do other things around the house, plus go to school to further my education (I already have a master's degree) but they focus on the fact that I don't clean. My husband does not stick up for me either. We have argued about this and he states he does stick up for me when I'm not around (and their talking about me behind my back). Of course, I want him to stick up for me when I'm there! I loved all the responses here and am definitely taking divorce as an option. For now, I am waiting to see if things improve.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 It is a man's responsibility to stand up FOR his wife against his family if need be. He is failing in that job. There is no question about that.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (24 May 2007):
 How have you tolerated this BS for such an incredibly long time? I can only imagine how heartbreaking this has been for you. My heart goes out to you, hun. Some people can open their hearts to anyone coming into their family, and some just simply refuse to do this. Your parent's-in-law’s behavior is blaming, judgemental, and has been extremely disrespectful and abusive, to you They sound like a unhappy people who like a power position in this family and feel entitled to 'tear' others down. People like this are broken people. It's no one's job, to keep peace with them. They alone are responsible for thei r own reactions and responses to family. Now--about your husband. He is not acting like a loyal, partnered man. He does not respect you...one of the most crucial foundations for a happy, long marriage. A man polices his family boundries; he does not speak ill nor does he allow his family to treat his wife, in such a disparaging manner. He made a vow in marriage, to honor and protect you. I can fully understand why you have not had children with him..why put innocent children through that horrid emotional work out, in their young lives.life. Sometimes when people, that are this cruel and dysfumctional, as your in-laws are...they quite often will make the children suffer because they are 'your' children. You husband has failed you, deeply and I am so sorry.
So I do agree with the other advice. Walk away from this. But you need to heal from the great suffering you have endured. Try to make sense of this by talking to a counselor. You need some support because, in effect have been badly emotionally abused and worn down by this family. The best you can do is be detached but polite when you around his family-but avoid them at all costs, if you can. I am in shock...what kind of weak man does this to his own wife ? Get to that counselor...seek some understanding and then make a decision that will enable you to live a life where you will finally get your self-respect back. Sadly, you won't find it with his family, thanks to your uncaring, spineless husband. The longer you are exposed to all these toxic people, you will feel undervalued more and more. Frankly, your husband owes you a huge apology and he deserves to be taken to task, for the damage he has contributed to. And he needs to learn not to ever, allow his parents to yank him around like this. The damage has been done at the cost of your self-value. This is irrepairable. Again, I am quite shocked and I am sorry for the pain you have endured for so long.
Carry on, dear and realize..sometimes there is no life without pain. We have all been there in one way or another. I am just feeling badly that you endured this for so long. But understand we all take that pain, we experience, we survive it and we grow, instead of allowing it to take us down. Take what has happened and make sure this does not embitter you. Because the measure of you as a valuable, loveable, good woman is the very fact, you would never, ever cause pain like this to others. That alone, is what makes you special. Hang in their, hun..I'm with you all the way. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): I was married to a man like this, we had children too, but he let his parents treat me like dirt. never once did he stand up for me. this is not normal. hence we are now divorced. I would never put up with that again. I used to tell him we had to stand as a team, and that if they saw he didnt care, they would do as they pleased. it was hell. tell him either hes for you or leave him. it wont change,.it will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (24 May 2007):
 To answer one of your questions, no men do not usually take their parents side, especially when the woman they love is being battered the way you have been. You never mentioned what your husbands reaction has been when you've told him how you feel. What does he say? That it's all in your head? It sounds like it's both his parents, or is it just his mother? Some men who have over-bearing mothers have difficulty standing up to them. It could be that his desire to please them exceeds his desire to please you. When a man marries, he leaves his family (in a sense) and clings to his wife. He has shown that he has no backbone to continue to allow his family to treat you this way is unreasonable. I would consider divorcing him because he is failing to defend, honor and protect the woman he married and that alone will continue to erode your feelings for him. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 You need to ask yourself whether you are better off with or without him. That means emotionally, physically, and financially. If the answer is "without" then separate and start the divorce. You are the only one who can make this decision.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 If your husband isn't willing to go to bat for you, and defend your honor, you need to walk away right now. A husband's job is to protect his wife and be good to her. If he's not, divorce him and find someone better.
DV1
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