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People think I'm her sugar daddy

Tagged as: Age differences<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2014) 14 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2014)
A male Canada age 41-50, *anekopps writes:

I'm 32 and have been dating a girl for 18 months. She is 11 yrs younger then I am and even though its been a year and a half both our families still don't think our relationship will last.

I love her. And I hate to say that in the beginning I didn't think it would last either. I really didn't even care if it did. Sadly the relationship was mainly sexually, I was 30 and had a hot young college chick into me of course I jumped at the chance to be with her.

But now I realize how amazing she is and how much I love her. This past weekend I asked her to move in with and she said yes and that is when my family made the comments that I better get her to sign a prenup or things long the line of how she scored big by getting a sugar daddy.

They have never said anything before other then when I first told them her age after that they seemed happy. Yes, the past few months I have Ben spoiling her but I love it and if I was dating someone my age I would do the same.

Do you think couples with an age difference can work and how do I spoil her with out people thinking I'm buying her love or affection

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014):

You're not spoiling her when you pay her tuition, you're daddying her, hence the term "sugar daddy".

Spoiling is fine every so often, but not just financial stuff - that should be every 4+ months, not a regular dependable thing, whether you have the money to spare or not, you become her bank. Go for a picnic or give her a massage. Don't rely on your wallet to treat a girl well. She is already depending on you for her student loans situation. That's not good and you may find yourself being used because of your naivety when throwing money and gifts at her. If she loves you, she will stay without that and your age won't matter to her, but you won't know if you keep spoiling her.

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A female reader, cardinal United States +, writes (14 May 2014):

cardinal agony auntYes, I think an age difference relationship can work. 11 years is nothing....believe me. the age gap between me and my boyfriend is more than double that.

there is nothing wrong with spending money on her. nothing. my only advice would be don't let her become dependent on you. make sure she has a good job and can live on her own if need be. but spoiling her is what all girls want! remember...diamonds are a girls best friend.

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A female reader, hearttoheart United States +, writes (14 May 2014):

hearttoheart agony auntMy ex husband was 15 years older than me. I adored him, and we were married for 17 years. I would not have divorced him, if he treated me well.

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A male reader, Danekopps Canada +, writes (14 May 2014):

Danekopps is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I don't feel like I need to spoil her I just enjoy it. Finically I can so I do. She has never asked me to buy or pay for things. Yes, I did pay her tuition this year, she was trying to get a student loan and was havin issues with getting the loans she needed and I offered t help. She refused, aft months of not being able to get things rolling she agreed to let me help. As for vacations, I would travel the world if I could and of course I want my gf to be by my side when I do. She doesn't except clothing but i have surprised her a few times with some nice things. She isa full time nursing student and works part time at a local gym.

Her family wasn't happy about our relationship in the beginning, they thought i was jus tusing her for sex but have come to terms with it the fact that I do love her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014):

People think my boyfriend is my sugar daddy. He's 17 years older than me, and we met when I was 20. I'm now 25 and making my own money. He didn't pay my tuition or anything like that but without his support, I wouldn't be able to contribute the way that I can now, even tho he never ever expects me to. The bottom line is this -- if you love her and she loves you, who cares? Just make sure that you both want the same things because at 21, I was at college going out twice a week while my boyfriend was taking care of his home and working hard. Now that college is done (I graduated last year), we're on similar paths. He still takes care of me and I love and appreciate it but to me, a sugar daddy situation is when two people have an agreement to basically use each other. Love isn't in that agreement.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014):

I am in the same situation but it is reverse. I met the guy when I was 30 and he was 19. Interesting how society sees things differently. I posted here about the similar thing and posters gave me less than supportive advice.

So perhaps my advice may or may not help you. The guy in question was great and despite what everyone said, he still carried on loving me and wanting to be with me.

But then, problems started surfacing at the three year mark where I started seeing a huge amount of difference. I found that things he wanted to do and experience I already had done. And sometimes you can left feeling like the mother/father with having to give advice or go through things say, someone our age will sort of already know.

Remember, even though she is having sex etc she is still growing into being an adult. She is only recently an adult. There is a lot she will need to learn and grow and become.

With my guy, it was the stage where he wants to backpack or go out partying a lot or figuring out what he wants to do with his life and a lot of stuff that is normal for people this age. It just started to stop configuring to who I was. Hanging out, when I speak to his friends I realise how "young" they are and how little I have in common. When he speaks to my friends sometimes I cringe with some of the things he comes out with (again, not his fault, In 10yrs time he would be a fully grown man) SO, just be prepared that you will have to help her "grow" up. And no matter how "mature for her age" she is, you will still be parenting her to some extent, whether it is the sort of advice etc you will be giving her.

I am sure it can work with the right effort. But for me, the benefits of being with something who is essentially not far off a teenager was taxing. Someone mid twenties it is a bit easier, they have things and themselves figured out a bit more. Teenage - to early twenties... good luck

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (13 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Age gaps can work, meaning that some times they work and some times they don't ,for the reasons Cerberus touched upon. 11 years is not that huge of an age difference, then again you got together when she was 19 and she's 21 now.. and she's all a work in progress , the person she is and the things she wants now won't necessarily be the same in 3/5 years, and won't necessarily include you. Who can tell. There are so many variables , we can't even tell with any reliability that it can't work.. Time will tell, and, if it is love, it will last.

What I am more... wary?... curious ?... is the spoiling thing. OP, why are you " spoiling " her ? If you pay her school, her travels, her bills, .. basically, if you are supplementing her income , by money or goods, other than the usual, " proper " gifts of a bf to a gf,... you ARE her sugar daddy, OP. Why do you feel you have to do that, to compensate for whatever she may be missing out not dating a kid her age ? To fidelize the customer ?

Sorry but I don't find it that normal , neither that you introduce a father/ daugther power dynamics by routinely providing her with things she could not afford on her own , nor that she accepts that. All 21 y.o. girls love to be spoiled and pampered ? I beg to differ !, maybe it's the stodgy , bourgeois , middle class horror I was raised with, of taking money from a man who's not your husband or father, but I can tell you for sure that this hasn't changed much at all in the last 30 or 40 years.

And in case anybody might accuse me of " feminism ", heck no, I am , alas, from a generation who accepts graciously when offered drinks or dinner or flowers . And of course, Xmas , or birthday, or Valentine gifts, are fine ( nothing TOO valuable,tough ). But " helping her with school " - You mean you pay her tuition ( and she lets you ) ? Sexy outfits - you mean you took upon you of clothing her ?... Then , you are her sugar daddy. A nice, caring, well meaning, non exploitative sugar daddy, but, well, if your parents or friends perceive you this way, it's not totally weird, you just have taken upon yourself more of the gifting and giving habits of a S.D. ( or just a daddy, tout court ) than those of a boyfriend.

It does not matter if you'd do the same with a woman your age. The difference is that a woman your age, hopefully, would be self supporting and in position to reciprocate , of course not matching you dollar by dollar maybe , but, , if you pay for your mega- cruise in the Caribbean, then next time she could pay for your weekend in a luxury spa.

Your 21 y.o. student can't afford , or does not think of, paying anything for you and that creates de facto an imbalance , psychological more than financial. You aren't equal,she is your baby , and you are her ... daddy.

Now, that this is not necessarily an evil thing, because comes from a place of tenderness and protectiveness and not of wanting to " own " her - or, that you are comfortable with that, in fact that this is just the way you like it because maybe it adds spice to your relationship- Ok all you want , OP, but you can't expect other people not to notice it, or to find it peculiar. ( I wonder what HER dad thinks about the situation ?... )

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A female reader, tendersmile Pakistan +, writes (13 May 2014):

tendersmile agony auntLong story short just ignore what ur family says, important is how u feel and if you two are focused on making this relationship work, I think you should enjoy it without thinking what is and what is not socially acceptable, everything will fall in place eventually and people will realize it is a normal relationship irrespective of age.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014):

Of course you're a sugar daddy, you spoil her and you're older. That's the definition of sugar daddy, it doesn't have to be a negative. Denying it or over-compensating for that isn't going to work in your favour, you're better off embracing the fact. I'm 9 years older than my wife and she was 19 when we started dating.

For the first 6 years of our relationship she was earning more money than me, but I was still a sugar daddy in people's minds until they realised we were fairly equal in most things except for she paid for a lot more of the trips and stuff like that. For people who didn't know me, and her grandparents, that was the wrong way of things and they weren't impressed at all. Where I truly was a sugar daddy was in terms of life experience, my protective nature and the fact that being with me meant everything in her life was just that bit easier because she was with someone who had been through it all before, I knew how to cope with all the mistakes she was going to make and while I warned her of them, and she did listen I never tried to prevent her making them, just helped her pick up the pieces and let her live her life.

OP I'm proof age gap relationships can work but I'm also the exception to the rule. You're old enough to know the deal here.

I can honestly say for the age I was when I started dating my wife (late 20's) I was far behind what was expected of a man my age. I was still living a life of parties, a low paying job, no stability and no ambition at all. In terms of us being together that was a huge plus, because the timing of our lives were in sync, but in terms of public perception as you can imagine I was "no good". Because the age gap meant I was supposed to be a sugar daddy who spoiled her like you do.

We went to college roughly at the same time, we started our careers at similar times and we settled at the same time too.

We've spoken a lot about this, as you can imagine 8 years together and being a bit of an exception we wanted to know how it was we worked out when most of the time it doesn't. The answer was very simple. Our lives were in sync and in terms of maturity we were on the same page too. It was pretty much just a matter situational coincidence, our lives went in a direction that meant we could stay in it without denying her her dream career or what she wanted to do in her youth but I also had nothing to sacrifice by being with her either as I wasn't the typical guy that age with ambitions and wanting to settle. She could fulfil her ambitions with me and I was still pretty much in my teenage, youthful phase of life or as many people viewed it my irresponsible phase that went on too long.

The biggest thing here for you and it was the same for me is that she's not yet truly the adult she will be for the rest of her life if you know what I mean. She's still very much in that transitional discovery phase of life and chances are she'll discover her life will take a direction that doesn't include you. You've surely seen it happen. I've seen it happen lots of times, and even been in an age gap relationship before where it did happen.

I knew from the beginning our relationship was transitional too, that the most I could hope for is that she'd somehow become an adult and I'd be part of that equation. Because as you well know we don't truly become the adult we will for good until our mid-20's. 21 is the traditional age but the reality is we don't really know who we are going to be until our mid-20's.

I understood from the start that being with me was denying her the freedom that women her age value very highly, it was denying her an independent youth. I was her first proper, serious boyfriend, her first adult relationship, her first in everything sexually and for us to have a future together that meant I was going to be the only guy she experienced any of that with. We were friends years before that too so she didn't really ever experience what it is like to date someone, she sees rom coms, talks to her friends about dating the good and bad, and she only has a conceptual basis for comparison, she has never experienced any of it. So as far as society is concerned is she sacrificed her youth for me, as far as she's concerned she hit the jackpot first go and doesn't feel she missed out on anything.

But the real test of that was of course when she settled into being a woman in her mid-20's, could I be part of that, was seeing her friends travel, date, emigrate, have their own places, switch jobs, switch boyfriends, just float around life with no responsibilities going to make her feel like she's missed out so much that she feels the need to experience it? Even worse was knowing that I have had all that and longer than most people too going to be a point of contention that she just can't reconcile?

For us as it happened her life just went a way I could be included. I was never really the settling type, I never had a timeline in life for marriage or kids, I simply didn't care about any of those things and it meant she could be free to explore life with a guy who expected nothing from her in those terms. She could live her life at her own pace with me by her side and my age then didn't have the impact of pressuring her into settling too early. When she became a true adult she realised she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and she couldn't imagine a better future.

These are all things you face, they're the reality of your situation and like me it may just so happen she wants her future to include you.

I have to say though, I'm not a fan of the whole spoiling thing. I mean I treated my wife and still do, but we were very careful not to create a dynamic where one of gives more than the other. We were very careful not to fall into the trap of overcompensation and get into bad habits. We wanted a partnership that was equal from the start and would remain so throughout and that's one of the main reasons we worked. I didn't live my life to suit her, I didn't spoil her because that's a dangerous game to play. You become like a second father, hence the term sugar daddy. My wife had a lot of work to do for me too, I had to ensure she had something to contribute that wasn't just her company or personality. There's a reason it's called "spoiling", as it really can do that. Aswell as her independence I couldn't deny her the chance to actually have to work to maintain a relationship, if I'd given myself to her on a plate she'd just have gotten comfortable, used to it and perhaps even bored. Actually knowing my wife she would definitely have gotten bored.

You're asking the impossible here, you know that spoiling her makes you a sugar daddy and your excuse that you'd do it with a woman of any age doesn't wash and you know it because a woman your own age would have a lot more to give back and would have built up a lot more conditions and expectations too. 21 years olds have very few expectations in that respect, they're very basic but they will build over time.

Spoiling her does create that sugar daddy dynamic and you know it, so there's no way you can convince people you're not that if you're playing that role. Frankly, OP I think it's a bad habit too.

I'm not trying play doom monger here, of course there's a chance. The point of my long winded reply is to show you my experience of it and how it worked for me and what worked for me was doing my best to make it as normal a relationship as possible with balance. There was no way of getting rid of the fact that my age would create a dynamic of subtle dominance in terms of my life experience but I worked hard to ensure I didn't make it too easy for her. I never cared about the sugar daddy tag, I accepted the views of people who didn't think it would last because I knew the whole time it probably wouldn't, and unlike you I never fell into that fantasy trap of thinking just because I love her and she's amazing that would make a future between us likely.

I knew I'd have to wait until she'd become an adult to truly know that as you will too. Do not make the mistake of trying to fight against that, you'll just lose because it'll spoil things for you. Just accept that like her life this relationship is transitional and until she's moved beyond that stage of life you truly will not know what's going to happen. You and me may be different though, OP, that idea didn't spoil things for me at all, even 4 or 5 years in I was happy with her in that moment. Again the lack of a life timeline and not being the settling type made that hell of a lot easier.

Stop trying to deny the reality of your situation, you're a 32 year old dating a 21 year old and you're using what you have that she doesn't to spoil her. That makes you a bona fide sugar daddy. People won't think you can work for many years and they're right in thinking that way, there are a hell of a lot of factors that say it won't. Only time will tell whether you can overcome those.

Best of luck, OP. Just enjoy this for what it is now and don't let your age become too much of a factor. if you can't accept how people view this, how sceptical they are then you're just going to struggle and will ruin this for yourself. Be like me and treat it like you would if you too were 21 and except nothing but to enjoy it while it lasts. If you start worrying about a future now then you're heading for trouble. Most importantly though, OP, make her work for you too. Be a bit of challenge, keep her on her toes and make her feel a sense of accomplishment in having you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014):

I think it can work out, but I think you'll need to spoilt her every so often, not regularly, and don't always make it money/gift-related just do small things to spoil her like a candle lot dinner where you have cooked something fancy that wasn't expensive. You know what I mean?

It *can* last, but I do think your family have a point; a prenup is probably a bit much, but you should spoil her less (money/gift-wise) and go months without buying her stuff, so that you truly believe in your head (not just your heart) that she's not in it for the pampering. How much does she spoil you (non-sexually)?

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A female reader, maisy1 United Kingdom +, writes (13 May 2014):

Age gaps CAN and Do work indeed yes. However you need to bear in mind your partner is still quite young. She was still a teen when you first met. You at 32 are probably looking to settle down and as long as you are sure she is too then I think prenups are a bit OTT. However at 21 what she wants now may not be what she wants in a couple of years time.

How long has it been since you both realised you genuinely loved each other? You say at first it was based on sex, you liking a young, hot body and her enjoying the spoilings. Well 18 months isn't that long, especially if for the first part of that time you were in a position of not caring if it worked or not.

I think before you make a bit commitment such as living together you need to go easy on the spoilings. You love spoiling her and she loves being spoilt, but realistically, if you live toghether and your situation changes financially then you don't want to find she only wants you when you are willing to pamper and spoil.

Most 21 year olds love being spoilt and pampered. The question you need to ask yourself honestly is - does she want to be with YOU or does she want to be with someone who spoils her and pampers?

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A male reader, Danekopps Canada +, writes (13 May 2014):

Danekopps is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Eyeswideooen thanks I don't consider myself a sugar daddy at all. I'm a gentleman that likes to make my gf feel special. Usually I benefit from her gifts as well, I love to travel so taking her on trips is something we both can enjoy, helping with her school, means she can help pay bills when she get a nursing job, and what guy doesn't like seeing their girl in a sexy outfit

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (13 May 2014):

eyeswideopen agony auntWhen I think of a Sugar Daddy I think of a wealthy old man hooking up with a nubile beauty 20 or MORE years younger. You two don't fit into that category in my opinion. Let time be your proof to your family.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (13 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt

Of course age gaps can work. My husband is 13 yrs younger than I am.

she was over 18 when you met... you've been dating 18 months and want to progress to the next step.

the only way to get your family to chill is through experience. Over time they will understand that a 21 yr old can be very mature.

Things like this will work out over time as families learn that their beliefs are erroneous.

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