A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I feel absolutely trapped in a relationship that is tearing my self esteem apart. I've been with my husband for 7 years. I've always known he was opinionated and a bit hotheaded. At times he borders on being verbally abusive when he's mad. Then once he blows up, he gets over it rather quickly and things go back to being smooth between. Yes I put up with alot. But usually there's balance in our relationship. But lately his temper has come out of nowhere and seems overboard. I don't know what to make of it. This afternoon we were out shopping and having a really good day together. We came out to the car and he remarked about some of the chrome peeling off of the luggage rack on our vehicle. We were standing in a crazy busy parking lot with cars whizzing around, we had maybe 4 small bags to put into the car so I glanced up what he was pointing at but really didn't see it. He said it again and asked me if could see what he was talking about. I said, "No I really couldn't see it right at this moment" so I proceeded to get into the car; all the cars racing past me was making me nervous. He absolutely lost it and started yelling at cussing at me for "ignoring him". I mean he literally went off the deep end over it. I told him I just wanted to get in the car, I can look at the peeling chrome in the driveway of our house later. I just didn't feel like standing there with all the traffic. He called me a lazy bitch. He accused me of sitting on "my fat ass" without helping him wth the bags. I reminded him in the calmest voice I could muster at that moment, that I really thought he was overreacting, and frankly there were only 4 bags it's not like I left him to unload a huge amount of stuff. He's usually very picky about how things get arranged in the back anyhow and I just wanted to get off my feet. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the store and came back with 10 bags and he never once got up off the couch to help me carry them in, but I've never once treated him like that. It did no good. He continued to scream and curse at me for most of the drive home. I was devastated. I want to leave but I don't know how. I feel like I'm too old to start looking for love again. And I may not have a fat ass, but I know I cannot compete with younger women and that's what most men go for. Also I've never lived alone and I'm terribly afraid. And my self esteem is so messed up I don't feel loved. I don't feel attractive. I feel completely worthless like no one would ever want me. I know that's how verbal abuse works on a woman's psyche. I just don't know how much more I can take. This is the second time this week-ebd that he has flipped out over something trivial. I don't know if he's had a mini stroke or if there's something seriously wrong with him. The worst part is, 10 min later he's completely over it and acts like nothing ever happened. WTF? It's like he's not aware he went crazy for a moment there. Yesterday he flipped out while we were driving 80 mpr down the highway and nearly wrecked the car with one of his out of control meltdowns. I literally thought we were going to roll the vehicle and I don't want to travel with him anymore. I just don't know what to do. Counseling? Prayer? Exorcist? I have no idea but I don't know who he is anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Next time video record his meltdowns with your phone. If you dare. Use it as evidence in divorce court.
You need to leave him. You will feel so much better when you do. Don't reward his bad behavior by letting him off the hook. Which is what you're doing by staying and taking his abuse.
This is very likely to escalate into physical violence over time and it will be directed at you.
I don't care if he's got a medical problem. That's his responsibility to find and sort out not yours.
You need to take responsibility for yourself. Being alone is far better and healthier and safer than being in this kind of marriage. And by refusing to be alone and single for even temporarily you're denying yourself the opportunity to ever find a better relationship as some of the aunts who have already written here about their similar marriages, did.
You're afraid of being alone? Why? But you're not afraid of being trapped in a car going 80 mph with a psycho? You're not afraid of being maimed or even killed in one of his blind rages? You need to re-examine your priorities and perspective. Yes abuse kills your self esteem. You recognize that so now you have the responsibility to act in spite of it.
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 If this is new behavior, then there very well could be something going on in his brain......you need to have him see a doctor. I can tell you from personal experience, though, that for 21 years I was married to a man with a horrible temper. We married very young, right after high school.....and even back then he had a bad temper. I thought it was something he would grow out of, but he never did, it only got worse as he got older. I had to walk on eggshells all the time, as I never knew, from one moment to the next, what was going to set him off. He didn't get over it quickly, either, he held a grudge for days at a time. He would throw things, break things, and even do harm to himself, and say it was my fault for making him mad. He never got physical with me, though. I told him if he ever did, he would permanently be singling soprano, because I would cut off his ball. He decided it wasn't worth calling my bluff on that, so he kept his hands off. Finally after our daughter left home, I left him. He thought, because I am legally blind, that I could not survive on my own, and would come running back to him..... boy was he wrong. I got a job, my own place to live, and I met and fell in love with a man sixteen years my junior. I wasn't even looking to be in another relationship, and it all just fell into place. We just bought our first house, together, and we are about to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. Today my life is everything that I had always dreamed it would be. All through my miserable 20 year marriage, I never thought I would find this kind of happiness. Please do not think that you can't survive on your own, because you can......you're a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for being. If there isn't a viable medical reason for your husbands' sudden flair in temper, then you really need to get out of this marriage.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 April 2012):
 We are so lucky in Australia with Centrelink and other help that is available to us. However, before you decide to go down that road see if there is some counselling available for you. If you are not in a city or large town there are always the telephone services - if you dont click with the first person, try another service or call back in a few hours. They cant tell you what to do, but they can make suggestions, or even just listen if that is what you need.
If you are in a city there are more services available to you, again the Salvos are a good place to start.
If you do decide to leave dont do it immediately, start squirrilling away a little bit of cash, plan your escape, take items most important to you one at a time to a place of safety, keepsakes, special photographs and the like, google is your friend, age is no barrier, my life has had many ups and downs but a complete restart AFTER I turned 50, moving towns, a new job, my life is the best it has ever been!
Good luck whichever path you chose to take!
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 April 2012):
 I was with a man like that.
It continued to escalate until he started hitting me. I stayed anyway, to the point where in a mad crazy blackout, he put me in the hospital...nearly killed me. I had to have surgery or I would have died.
Do you really want that?
That is the direction this is going.
You deserve better.
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