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My husband won't speak to me and does all he can to completely ignore and avoid me.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 January 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 3 February 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband won't speak to me and does all he can to completely ignore and avoid me. He does come home from work every night but goes directly into the garage. Tonight he was carrying a bag, he placed it on the steps, picked it up, took it to the bathroom with him and then took it to the garage. I have no clue, but I almost felt as if he was daring me to ask, so I didn't. Last week we did get into an agruement about him opening a facebook account. To make a long story short we have a very bad and rocky history that he would love for me to just forget about. Sometimes you can forgive, but when constantly faced with the same behaviors and circumstances, it makes it pretty hard to forget and I would love for him to understand that. Anyway when I objected to the facebook account, again with good reasons and relaying on him to keep promises to me, he went balistic. He said that he only wanted it because he out-of-state friend had pictures of his new son posted and he wanted to see them. I suggested that we make an account together then and suddenly he no longer wanted it.

I asked him how he could possibly expect for me to believe that his motives were not as innocent as he claims, if he wants it enough to fight over it, yet when I come up with a comprimise that involves me he looses all interest? He did not answer me. This was a week ago, we have not spoken since. I did try last night, but he pretty much told me to stop f-ing speaking to him before I could get a complete sentance out.

Everyones answer seems to be talk to him, I can't. Get counceling, if I can't talk to him, how on earth would I get him to go to counceling? I will not apologize for the way I reacted to the facebook account thing because while I do acknowledge that he did talk to me about it first, he f-ed up so bad in the past with myspace and other accounts that I had to see for myself to believe these people were serious, that the terms of our being together right now were that he will not have any online accounts, as a matter of fact he is not even suppose to be around the computer without me present. Sound harsh, well he agreed to it and it wasn't suppose to be until things smoothed over, it was forever or at least until I was ok with it again. So now who is he to be mad or insulted at me for asking questions and having objections?

Anyway, right or wrong, something has got to give because we can't live like this. If talking to him is not the correct response then how should I react to this to get him to give in and communicate with me again, like an adult. After he told me not to F-ing speak to him last night he actually put his fingers in his ears and begain to hum. My husband is probably acting this way because he is up to no good, but he clearly needs help. What should I do?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009):

Try this to save your marriage http://tinyurl.com/c47wfu

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (31 January 2009):

rcn agony auntLet me ask you this. If you had a dog locked in a cage, and dangled a steak in front of the cage, how long before he broke out. When looking at human behavior, the analogy is similar.

Your in a relationship where he broke your trust before so you restrict his use of electronic devices. Now if he's having a desire to break your trust again, he's going to find a way.

What I want to know is, WHY won't you allow yourself to have a good relationship? Do you feel a good marriage is you babysitting your spouse? Having to watching his actions. And what about this putting his fingers in his ears. I believe your husband is disrespecting you and the marriage its self.

The reason before I didn't give any advice on how to really fix your marriage, is I believe you'd be the only one trying to do so, and that would be virtually impossible to do. You have to have both people wanting the marriage, and wanting to repair it. It seems as if your husband just wants you there as long as he can do what he wants, no matter how much he violates the marriage and hurts you.

It comes down to this: How long are you going to deny yourself the possibility of happiness to live in the opposite?

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A female reader, lildeesbg United States +, writes (31 January 2009):

lildeesbg agony auntWhat you should do is think if this is the type of marriage you want. The yelling, cursing, fighting, lying, and mischief. What else needs to happen before you realize you are in an unhealthy marriage? You wrote he is probably acting like this because he us "up to something". Do you really want to continue to deal with your HUSBAND being up to something? I am not saying to end the marriage because I feel this society just gives up on things, especially marriage. However, you are not only being shut out, you are being disrespected by a man who you have obviously given many chances and options too. You must see that he chooses different options that best suite him. Your dealing with an immature man. No man will stick his fingers in his ear and hum. It seems as though you have no communication in your relationship. I believe communication is the key to a successful life within any relationships.

You mentioned that therapy, and talking will not work. Well that is too bad for him. WHAT DO YOU WANT? It is time to ask yourself what it is that you want within this marriage, and what you want for yourself to make you happy again. Weigh out your options and think of the positive and negitive outcomes. If you want to talk, TALK. If he doesnt well than it is up for you to decide...eventual happiness? OR a man who wont change to make you happy.

~dee

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You know what, Emajayne, I was in save my marriage, help my husband mode. I was not thinking about myself. You are right only I think that I will sell every computer and phone in this house except for the nicest ones that I will take with me. I will donate all of the cell phones, including his to that orginization that programs them for abused women without phones to be able to dial 911 only. Then I will use the money to change the locks on the garage and every other lock in this house on my way out, just to piss him off. Thank you, I feel much better now.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (31 January 2009):

rcn agony auntYou both need a lot of help. Your marriage is built on control. One individual has to keep the upper hand over the other. This is not at all healthy. You said he screwed up in the past. How do you expect to have a good relationship if you continue living in the past?

You need to give him the choice to do as he chooses. If his choice is to screw up, then you can choose whether to leave or to forgive him. As your open to your choice, you can't restrict his choices. He might screw up, or he might prove you wrong. You both need to ask yourselves what it is you want out of this marriage. I'd be asking him if this marriage is what he wants to remain in. So if his intent is what you think it is, and you restrict him from what he wants to do, how long before he finds another way to get it done?

My advice is to either fix it or end it. I've been single now for over 3 1/2 years, by choice, and sometimes I feel like I might want someone else here with me. I'll tell you, I'd much rather remain lonely than be in the marriage your in. At least I'm "free", "not controlled" and mainly happy. I wish you the best, but if something doesn't change, your marriage is not going to provide you with it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

He has clearly shut you out. I think you should leave his ass. I know you don't want to, but he has left you out of options. Either stick around until things get back normal or tell him "if you dont want me anymore then I dont want you either.

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A female reader, Emajayne Canada +, writes (31 January 2009):

Emajayne agony auntLeave. Just up and leave. if he is going to treat u that badly don't waste ur time on him. He is most likely up to no good as his behavior is that of a 5 year old on crack. Do urself a favour and leave. Stay at a friends house or at ur parents. He will either realize how much of an a** he is and beg for forgiveness, or u will quickly discover there is a world without badly behaved husbands on the internet. so here are ur options:

a) leave and he will soon realize his idiocy.

b) unplug the computor and telephone lines, hide the cables, and then leave.

c) leave and take the computor

d) get rid of the computor and refuse to give it back till he talks to u.

e) lock the garage and throw away the key and refuse to let him back in until he talks to u LIKE A GROWN UP SHOULD!

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