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My husband wont give up either his mistress or me

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 December 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2009)
A female Philippines age 41-50, *ooser writes:

My husband and I got married at an early age. We have 5 siblings. My husband is a good provider the only problem with him is he has another woman with kid already. I;m trying to talk to him to settle his problem. I asked him too choose whether I or her. He answered me back in front of her mistress that he cannot leave her nor I. That was very painful to me. I did everything to seperate them but it didnt work. I'm still hoping that someday he will change. Sad to say until now am still suffering with the same problem. The best solution I suggest to him is to part our ways if he cannot really leave her because I cant accept that he want both of us to stay. I cant tolerate and ignore to see them living together. It was a tortured for me. I love him very truly but i know and i feel that he never loves me anymore thats why i have to sacrifice myself to free me from pain. I tried to make myself happy by going nightlife with friends but he was angry. our relationship is getting worse lately, it come to the point that he wants to cut his financial support to my children and accusing me of having another man. now he is trying to bounce back the fault for me to clear his conscience. can you give me an advice what is the right decision sould i make?

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A female reader, eyi Nigeria +, writes (17 November 2009):

Why are men so cruel, it's almost the same thing everywhere, it does not really matter whether they are black or white! i am a mother of 3 lovely girls and married to an orphan for almost 12 years now, mine was so bad that he slept with my best friend twice in our matrimonial home, he gave the car that i bought to his mistress while i trek around, now i am so tired of the relationship even though he is claiming to have changed, the damage is too much for my tender heart, my dear you are not alone, it's like creation is not fair to us the female folk, so please hold your peace, put your head together, face your children whether you decide to live with him or opt out of the house, just face them and try everything possible to bring them up well, men are not worth our troubles,do all you can to be happy, you owe yourself and your children all that, please be yourself, may God help you, i am praying with you. God bless you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

I've found out that my husband was having an affair for 6 months now. My husband & I hv 3 kids and married for 10 yrs now. I really want to help you but I also don't know how to myself. I've confronted him, asked my siblings to talked to him and his bestfriend to talk to him, but failed. I've caught him in a motel once and asked him to choose 1. He said he chose me but he still seeing her. It's been 6 mths now and I know... it really hurts. I tried leaving him w the kids for a week but it didn't worked also. At the moment, I'm trying to gain strength to leave him for good but I don't know when will that day comes. I don't know how to bring-out 3 kids alone. I had thought of leaving the kids with him, as well. But I just don't know whether I will be able to do it. Like I said, I gaining strength now. But praying do helps. These are all marriage trials. God plans everything. But what ever it is... I understand that it hurts. Damn hurt!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008):

I am in your shoes, except I am 2 months pregnant. I am in prayer all the time, I know I can not change him but God can save my marriage. I hate this life and instead of crying all the time , I am working on me and my dreams. I know when its time I will walk, I know I deserve bettter and I encourage you to get in prayer. Write down what you want and pray everyday, I bought a book called, a book of prayer, stormie omartian. This book helps you with praying. My husband has a two year old daughter with his mistress, I keep telling myself, thank God I am not in his shoes. I rather be in my shoes instead of my husband's. I know I have done everything right, I know God is going to bless me for being a good wife. Life is not fair. I can not understand why I have had this happen to me, I wish the mistress knew how much she has hurt my family. She is a work of art! It saddens my heart for two daughter and my children. I wish you the best! Know you are not alone, I will start praying for you too. I am so sorry, that this happens because the pain is so great! Last night my husband did not come home.... I could not sleep! So I prayed all night, I believe God will fight this battle better than me!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008):

You gave him the choice and he wouldn't get rid of her. But when he even thinks of you having someone else he gets annoyed. You obviously want someone to yourself and it's not him,so threaten to leave unless he gives her up and if he still refuses, leave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008):

Well, dear...if you suggested to him that you want to part ways, then clearly that's telling me, you could, if you had to-- face life on your own, with your kids? Am I right?

The problem I see here is you are saying you love him. Do you love him or do you love the life you have? Are you afraid of change? For everything that occurs in one's life, there is a price. Your sanity, your self-value, your lovability, your inner peace will only come from recognizing, accepting and realizing that you are indeed paying a huge emotional price for this man's infidelity and uncaringingness.

And guess what..if you do nothing, things are not going to change on their own, are they. So the only way to being happy is accepting his mistress or by saying to yourself, "I must change my attitude here..I must take a stand and make my own choice by living the life I want, for myself and my kids." Sadly, some women tolerate your circumstance because not choosing is easier than changing.

So as Tisha suggests...get to a lawyer and find out your rights, as a women whose husband is blatantly making you unhappy by openly having a mistress, which is wearing you down. Once you have the strength to face this and leave..you ease the pain of loneliness, which many women sadly, feel after a break up to a cad such as your husband...and you fill it it with growth learning and creating a better life for YOU and when you are happy, your kids are too.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (22 December 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntIf the siblings you refer to are your and his children, then he is financially responsible for them. I do not know anything about separation or divorce in the Phillippines, so my suggestion is that you contact a lawyer so that you understand your rights and responsibilities as well as his rights and responsibilities. The children need looking after, and they did nothing to deserve financial hardship, and it sounds like you need to be the one looking out for their best interests.

Your husband sounds very selfish and I doubt he'll ever mend his ways, so I'd go about making sure that you get the best separation and divorce outcome you can manage. That means thinking with your head, not your heart right now. You can be heartbroken, yes, but that doesn't mean you can't also be smart and careful and intelligent about this.

So to the lawyer today!!!

Good luck and I hope your heart heals soon, and that your children bring you joy.

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