A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please can someone who either 1) has 1st hand experience in these things or 2) is able to give positive advice instead of saying the words 'leave him' or 'you should never have married him' kind of advice answer this.I am totally beside myself and feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life so far. I am a very open and communicative person who has married a guy who 100% closed and has many issues (due to his childhood - I blame his mother for a lot of the way he behaves. This is unhealthy i know because she is eating me up - I have never despised a women so much because she has made a selfish, complexed, depressed child through her own selfish ways.My husband and I are the case of when we are good we are very very good but when we are bad it's hell on earth and his sulks take a week or just over to lift. Imagine living under the same roof as that alone. I could always deal with this when we were dating as I could go home to my own flat and if nothing got sorted I would finish the relationship - but now we are married! We were on and off for 6 years but 6 months ago we decided to tie the knot. We are a case of can't live with eachother but also can't live without - he has an amazing mind, academically the most intelligent guy I know, earns a lot of money, goodlooking and caring . . .he sounds perfect right? well he is so far from perfect its not funny - he's a total mind f*ck to me. Now we are going through a bad patch i feel utterly trapped.Me being the communicator gets 100% frustrated with someone who just doens't communicate with me about whats important to me. So many things have happened where I have wanted to speak to him about eg his friend (female) went out with us the other night with her husband and she said to me that I should allow my husband to keep secrets from me with her - she doesn't tell her husband everything! i informed her that we don't keep secrets!! afterwards I wanted to discuss it with him and he shouted at me 'you will NOT tell me who I can and can't be friendly with'!!!!! I didn't even mention that!! We didn't speak till the next day. Because of our rubbish weekend I called him at work in the week and said why don't you and i go for a nice meal next weekend, his reply to me was 'bit boring, why don't we get friends round!' this probably sounds so unimportant but this is just a tiny bit of it all. On top of this our sex life is rubbish which doesnt help a relationship - this is because he has a bad back . . . plus depressed at the moment - I just feel EVERTHING with him is so heavy going and not at all light hearted - this is our 1st year of marriage and most of it has been hell. My auntie the other day called him a bachelor with a wife - surely he has to change his ways or he will be back to being a bachelor and for all I know maybe that is what he wants . . .i feel so unhappy and alone - i cant talk to him - he just flies off the handles and starts trying to get back at me all the time. We have had councelling and it does momentarily help but we always recline. Do you think it will get better because 1st year of marriage always has it's ups and downs or do I have a huge problem on my hands - the sex worries me a lot - I have a very high sex drive and apparently so did he! i just don't get to see it that much. We are trying for kids now too which is adding to our stresses.Please someone help me - my head is a mess and I am devastated that he can make me feel so unimportant, so unspecial and quite frankly I certainly can't deal with a depressive - his latest news to me . . Thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): Hi,It breaks my heart to see that so many women are in my shoes. At the same time, it is comforting to know that there are many who can relate and perhpaps offer mutual support.It is amazing to me that my story is so similar to the original writer's and to others as well. I can relate to all of it, including the mother-in-law and even my husband's bad back!We have been married for 4 years and have a child and therefore, I am trapped - at least until my son has has grown up and left home. I would strongly urge the writer to wait at least a year or 2 before having children. I would also advise seeing a counsellor (not a marriage counsellor) before making this decision. Because you have not had children yet, you still have the option to leave. Perhaps a little more time and help from a professional would help you to make these decisions.Sadly, I have little to offer you after I have tried so many different methods in the last 4 years. The sad truth that I am very recently coming to is that my husband is who he is and I am powerless to change him. At the end of the day, all I have at my disposal is accepting the reality of the situation: he is not going to take responsibity for his behaviours and the best defence I have is to do a lot of ignoring and relying on others for a lot of emotional support. This dosn't mean that he can't support me in many other areas of my life. But, when it comes to him dealing with any form of criticism about our relationship, he simply isn't available to me for that. I have recently come to the heart-breaking conclusion that I am not going to have the close and truely intimate marriage that I dream of with this man. It's not in him. It has been a huge epiphany to to finally accept that I am the only grown-up in this marriage and it is not realistic to expect someone who is at a child's emotional developmental stage to behave and respond like an adult. This truth of course means also accepting periods of real loneliness and down-right rage in the face of his completely self-centered attitude.Early in our marriage, I dragged my husband to marriage counselling. Because of his manipultive nature and his unwillingness to admit any responsibility it turned out to be a waist of several months of my time. Instead, I have recently made the decission to see a counsellor on my own to help me deal with how to stay married to a difficult spouse without going crazy. The only way I would consider going to see someone together again would be if he suggested it and was ready and eager to do his own work. The only thing that has helped me so far is a book I have discovered called "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. I highly recommond reading it.Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, catherineslove  +, writes (7 January 2013):
Hi there,So many are going through this. You are not alone. The one thing i noticed is you seem to be very focused on his mom. We all know we can not change people, and she is one of them. You need to let go of your anger towards his mother. No matter what she did to him, he is an adult and your husband, but she is still his mom. You may not respect her, but if you are married to her son, you should try. He would probably respect you more. I used to let my motherinlaw get to me for the first ten years of my marriage. It does not work, ever. You can learn to let that go or you WILL be competing with her in your marriage. He is the one who needs to mend their relationship. Just be there for him. I have the same relationship with my parents. It is very hard to show love when not much love was given to you.
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A
female
reader, natashadalf +, writes (30 March 2009):
I know exactly what you are talking about and how you feel. My husband and I have been married for 9t years. He has ignored me most of our marriage, yet I stay in the marriage, because of my chidlren. I'M TIRED OF HIS SHIT. I desperately wanted things to work in the past now I don't care if he leacves today or tomorrow. My kids and I will go to counseling and live our lives. Free and Peaceful!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): I can completely relate to the original author. I have attempted every intervention known to man (woman). Men who refuse to acknowledge or empathize with their wife (whether they agree with them or not)are basically emotionally abusing their wife. There was an implicit agreement the day you took those vows that said "I will care about how you feel". My husband has said horrible lies about me to his parents and to old friends of his (who by the way quit talking to him three years ago when he blew up at the guy's girlfriend and just recently came back into his life). I have taken responsibility for every action and reaction I have had and even taken responsibility for his, which he happily allowed me to do. He's a completely different person behind closed doors and I have compassion for him, but it's getting hard. The thing is that he doesn't want to be married as he thinks buying a house, which was his choice, has cost him all of HIS money even though I work full time also and give him MY check. Therefore he acts like a married bachelor and only gets into conversations that are about HIM. I feel resentment and deep down I hate him. I've never refused any of his "needs" if you know what I mean, and I am very fit, so he can't complain about physical or sexual attributes. The only reason I stay is for my two children from a previous marriage of 8 years. A divorce would hurt them terribly and I would rather suffer through without love than have them be hurt again. I just haven't figured out a way short of becoming completely subservient to him, which hasn't worked either as he still answers simple questions with a horribly defensive attitude. He really doesn't care and it hurts like crazy.
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A
female
reader, sistergirl +, writes (8 July 2007):
I completely empathize with you. I am going through the exact same situation. My husband absolutely does not communicate with me. I have noticed him communicate more with outsiders and friends than he does with me. I continually feel neglected, and I must warn you...I have a child with this man. I love my child more than anything in the world, but having a child did not improve anything. Things remain the same as always. He led me to believe that he communicated when we dated, but he has totally changed since marriage. Moreover, his background is much like your husband. He was raised by his mother because his father died when he was around ten years old. His mother is incredibly selfish and raised him to be very similar. He puts his own feelings before anyone else exactly as she does. When I read your response, I was amazed. I could have written it! I wish I had a solution for you, but I don't. I am on the brink of divorce. I can't take another second of his selfish, unloving, negative demeanor. It makes me depressed, and my child does not need a depressed mother. Please, please, do not have a child until you come to a resolution or learn to communicate with this man. And PLEASE, if you find a solution, post it here. I need all the help I can get.
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A
female
reader, catha  +, writes (3 July 2007):
I don't have the answer but I do live in a very similar situation. I just wanted you to know you are certainly not alone, I also understand why you feel the way you do. It's extremely hard when everything feels like it's coming in on top of you and you haven't a clue how to get out the other side.I don't know if you are interested but if you ever want to "talk" I would love to hear from you.We will have been married 2 years in September and together almost 8. This is my SECOND marriage and frankly I wonder what the hell is wrong with me quite regularly!!Take care and I do hope things improve.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Nothing but constant hard work on a marriage will keep it strong. Having kids places pressures on a relationship that is working very well. But you are not at the stage of a well-working relationship since your communication lines are so damaged. Kids will only exacerbate the damage.
When kids come, do you honestly believe that your husband's issues will be fixed? I'd love to hear your response. If you are the communicator that you believe yourself to be, then you will look forward to my critique of your argument.
Since you are married I will advise you as best I can to keep your marriage intact. Your husband is damaged and needs your support to heal. Do NOT have kids until he is able to cope with his issues and can communicate with you in an adult manner. If it takes years then so be it. The last thing you should want is to bring an innocent life into a relationship where there is damage all about.
You too are damaged by this relationship, even though you may not realize it. A healthy marriage is like a garden. If you don't maintain a garden then it becomes overgrown with weeds and the beautiful things you planted originally will eventually die. In the case of your marriage the both of you believe counselling is proper maintenance, but even you acknowledge that after the sessions are done you both stop the maintenance. Then the weeds grow again.
Unless both of you can commit to maintaining the marriage with constant hard work, the relationship will never improve. This is the best advice I can give you. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Kirstylouise
Thanks for your advice - re councilling as a child - just a little brief insight - when he was a child he was moved from South Africa to London with his brothers for a decent education (which he got) - he was 9 at the time and as they get to the UK his father decides to walk out on the them and his mother. his mother had to bring up 3 boys under the age of 12 in a foreign country with no family or friends - because if this I have respect for her but that is as far as it goes . .she suffers from depression and obviously this has effected ALL her boys. She is also a very manipulative, clever lady and all her boys will NOT hear a bad word said about her - the truth is, she did a lot of wrong by them but my husband is the last to admit this to me - he will not have me say ONE word about her - i wish he was as protective of me as he is her - I have heard him speaking to her and my dad about her and he so knows what shes' like - why won't he at least share his fealing with me ever? (maybe because he knows i don't like her - not that I have told him this)
She has never re-married and has been on her own for nearly 20 years - she is a total hermit, sits in and mopes, only ever wants to remaniss with her boys and on the whole she is the most heavy going women I have ever come across - she not only depresses me but also my sister in laws - she silently gets under everyones skin and makes people feel guilty . .
anywaythats just a snippet of her
As far as biting my lip - you are 100% right and for the last 2 months I have and it's been amazing - we went from a bickering couple to hardly arguing and I felt in love with him - we have a few hicups and we have gone landing splat and this time im finding it very hard to get back up again. It makes me think Im not fit for this, i really can't cope with him.
I have just made an appointment to see our councillor but don't have it till next monday so we have a long time till this - one thing he is always happy to do is seek this kind of help . . he's had a lot of it in his lifetime - part of me feels he likes to have problems as this is all he knows. . .
Re the kids business - you are right and couldnt agree more with you but one thing that boy needs are kids - I know this will be the making of him/us - i know we have such potential hence we pusue eachother but im praying these are teething problems and it will improve.
Fingers crossed!
Thanks for your advice though - made me feel better
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A
female
reader, Veasse +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Hi there, So sorry to hear what you are going through!First off nobody has the right to tell you leave etc! I certainly wont.It seems to me that your husband is severly depressed (I am too so i can see the signs) I think that is also having a detrimental effect on your ability to cope, its not a crime to be depressed but we "depressed people" cant often see how much we hurt the people we love... more often than not we hurt them more because we love them.I think if your husband has admitted he is depressed he should see a GP perhaps have a referral to a CBT counsellor and perhaps accept anti-depressants, they arent a cure but they can certainly help. CBT is a wonderful thing, it really helped me put a different perspective on things. (CBT= cognitive behavioural therapy) It just shows you how to think differently about situations and uncover the real reason behind your thinking and behaviour because its all linked.Anyhow thats your husband, he needs to take some responsibility within in the confines of the relationship because his actions and words are having a detrimental impact on you.Now to you:I think that you need someone impartial to talk to, a counsellor or somebody at relate. You shouldnt feel like this and you shouldnt have to deal with this alone.Perhaps if you could sit down with your husband and discuss it and indicate that counselling for the both of you may help the situation then it would be a step in the right direction.If he doesnt want to know there is more to this than you know and perhaps he does have underlying issues regarding your marriage, and perhaps your aunt is correct.There is always an answer, remember no obstacle is insurmountable, there are people who can always help you.take careVeasse xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): Hay, first of all i need to say that i think its a really bad idea for you to try for a child together, i mean your not happy with the way the relationship is, and having a child will not help matters.
Secondly you breifly mention he has issues from his childhood, has he ever been to councilling/therapy for those issues? You mention your hate for his mother but what are his feelings towards her?
It sounds to me that you want him to share and talk openly with you about his feelings and generally day to day things however you need to remember that talking openly and freely with others doesn't come naturally to us all and sometimes you need to bite your lip and stick with it. Have you ever sat him down and simply told him how you feel and what your concerns are for the future? Let him know that you meant it when you said 'for better, for worse' and that you want him to feel comfortable talking to you as you feel it may benifit both of you and the relationship.
I need to say again though that i think you need to concentrate on getting your relationship on track and solid before you decide to bring a child into the equation! please dont rush in2 anything as a child can slip up even the strongest of couples!
Take Care
Kirstylouise
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