A
female
age
51-59,
*onfused Choclit
writes:My husband thinks I treat him like a child and our relationship is sour at times because he is always angry with me if I ask him any questions. He wants to go and do as he pleases without any restrictions. He has also told me on numerous occasions that he wants the opportunity to see what life is like because we married when he was only 19. He gets tired of stress at home and always wants to back out, but then never does. He has cheated in the past, and somehow I cant get over it. How do I? I have been his super woman in every way possible including fulfilling his dream in many sexual things. Now he says we need to be more open sexually and have fun like swingers do!!! wtf? I want to believe him but it's hard, and how much am I suppose to do? He doesn't do the same for me... I do EVERYTHING, work, night school, kids, home, cook, clean. I just ask for some romance, or affection. He says he's not that type of person, why should I always be willing to compromise with everything and he can't do simple things to make me happy? I can go on and on... we've been married 10 years, together 11. Oh and he has also told me several times he needs the chance to be free so he can explore the life he don't know because I am all he knows... this messes with my head, but then he never leaves and says he was just going through something.. What gives??
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female
reader, Confused Choclit +, writes (13 November 2008):
Confused Choclit is verified as being by the original poster of the question You are so sweet in your replies to me.. I love the things you are putting in my mind. I really needed to hear that support. Consider yourself my fam as well. I wll take heed to your suggestions, especially when it comes to my children. I know I am a strong person, because I am still here standing. It will be hard but I will weigh all of my options,and continue to receive the input and advide people give me. I am in school trying to get my degree, and that is something I love the most. I also volunteer at my 8 year old's school and read to the class once a week, that is very rewarding to me. Anyway.. i feel a little better, with all of your thoughts.. so i will keep in touch, and always feed me more. I am also going to consider being an agony aunt cause I love to be needed, and I am sure people can relate to my experiences as well.. blessings
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Fear of the unknown can overshadow the awful situation you are in. At least you know why you're unhappy; you can start to chip away at the those things. It's all about taking steps to create your new normal. It's scary because you are the one taking the risk and taking on the responsibility, if things go south, it's all down to you. But you know what? Things sound like they're already about as bad as they can get with him. Okay, maybe they can get worse, but why go there? Why not create the world you want to live in?
If you feel alone, then build your new support network. I am sorry to hear about your mother, by the way, that is a huge loss and a real blow to the psyche. Very hard to get over, I know and can really take the wind out of your sails.
So start to lean on those people out there who you do know and I'll bet you'll be surprised at how many will open up to you if you open up to them. Start talking about the problems you're facing. There's an old saying along the lines of shared burdens are burdens lightened. Something like that. I'll bet just writing here and putting it down in words has been something of a relief. At least you know where you are. Now we need to get you where you want to be, where you deserve to be.
The financial crisis can't be making life any easier either, especially with the big mortgage. Every TV pundit I watch on this topic says to go back to the bank and try to renegotiate the interest rate and the length of the loan. Why not try that? What do you have to lose?
I think you need to put your needs first now, not his. You owe it to your children, especially the 8 year old. He can deal with his own issues; you make yourself your number one priority, after making sure that your child is taken care of.
Break down the obstacles you see in front of you. Lack of family, create a new one of your own. Bring people closer to you. Big mortgage, try to renegotiate it. Feeling alone, again, reach out to people. Volunteer somewhere and find out what a difference you can make in people's lives. Heck, become an agony aunt and start tackling other people's problems.
I think you have nowhere to go but up.
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): It's fear of the unknown, but once you take that first step, believe me it gets a damned sight easier as each day passes.
Once guys know you're single again you'll have them lining up outside your door. You won't be lonely - trust me on that one! 35 isn't any age when you look at things from my eyes! I wish I was 35 again, that's for sure.
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A
female
reader, Confused Choclit +, writes (12 November 2008):
Confused Choclit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha--Yea you are right again.. I think honestly that I am afraid of starting over again. My children are just about grown, the three I already had are 18, 16, and 13. Our son together is 8 now. I have been throught so much I cant even fill this screen with all of it! I dont want to be a doormat for anyone.. I have a big mortgage, and I just lost my mother this past mother's day. I am the only child, I have no one! Yea I got uncles and aunts, but we dont speak. I feel alone most of the time, so if I let him go.. I dont even know.. Im scared of that I feel like a failure, who couldnt love me the way i want them to?obviously him. I know i have the capacity to be strong and move on, but it hurts like death!! I know in my heart what to do, but I keep trying to hold on..why i dont know...i dont want to be alone... people tell me im wayy to sweet,smart,beautiful and only 35 to deal with this, why wont he just love me the way i need him to? he doenst know how to show affection, and say he is not that type of person; i need that.. i feel this will inevitably end sooner than i think. I have dealt with so much in my life, im so afraid to let go..why?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2008):
You want more? Okay, he should be on his knees thanking the powers that be for giving him a wife like you. He wants to be treated like an adult? Fine, you stop doing all the cooking and cleaning and childcare. An adult would take on the responsibilities that marriage and children and work and life bring. Me, I'd stop fixing things for him. I'd stop trying to get him to treat me well by allowing myself to be a doormat.
He could be trying to work WITH you on this marriage instead of making sexual demands that actually are in opposition to your wedding vows. If he doesn't hold those vows as binding, as serious, as real and important, then I don't that you have to continue trying to save this marriage. If he hasn't grown up by now, it's not likely he ever will, without concerted effort. I think most people are pretty much the same at 20, 30, 40, 50 and so on. If they are unhappy with life, they can't blame it on their circumstances, they need to face the fact that they are responsible in great part for where they are. (Of course, this doesn't apply to everyone, there are people who have things happen that are none of their doing.)
Now the thing that you might not realize in reading that last paragraph is that that it applies to YOU as well as him.
So look into your own heart and find your answer there. You know him, we don't. You know yourself, at least I hope you do. How long can this go on? And can it ever change?
One more thing, and I really hate to bring this up, but you had better take some precautions against STDs. I get the feeling that he might be putting himself in situations that could lead to one, and the last thing you want is to get something yourself. Again, it's part of being an adult.
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A
female
reader, Confused Choclit +, writes (12 November 2008):
Confused Choclit is verified as being by the original poster of the question I agree with all of you.. thanks you for your quick responses.. I just dont know how much more "things" I can do to satisfy him. I guess I was stuck on the sacred marriage thing and not loving myself enough to have better. I really want the relationship to work,but deep down I feel it will not because he and I are on a completely different level. no matter what i do he still wants more!!! then said last nite that even if i try to make up it makes him more mad, just to let him do him with out any question of any sort, so he wont feel like a kid in his own house.. i feel so helpless cause i cant see why he needs all this when i am his "super woman". im so sick to my stomach...and im NOT doing the swinging thing!! feed me more...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): There's a few choices that you can take:
1)Stay like this and stay unhappy.
2)Try to make the marriage work by counseling and making time for each other which includes compromising, setting priorities straight and re-learning about each other. Chances are both of you have drifted apart along the years. Marriages at young age works because partners grow together and allow room for each other to grow. You can put the spark back in your marriage by setting a day on weekend to date each other.
3) Divorce. Receive alimony. Split responsibility of your children with each other. Start again. Move to a new place. Work. Perhaps in the long run meet a better guy.
Its your choice to make the best out of your life. Divorce may be painful but think of this, how bad can divorce be when u're stuck with an asshole like him?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2008):
My question to you is why you are letting him decide whether he's going to stay or go. Frankly, if this were my situation, where I'd done all the work and had not had the courtesy of reciprocation in the form of affection or romance, as requested, his things would be on the curb in cardboard boxes.
I think even though he thinks you treat him like a child, you're the one who's been letting him determine the course of the relationship. He's been doing his best to drive it right onto the rocks, from what you've written, so have you considered letting it crash, letting it go there to the point of a split? A real split, where you can get your head together and continue to do all the things you have been doing, minus the stress of his demands and his behavior and his erratic need to somehow experience what he thinks he's missed in life?
What is it that he thinks he's missing? Sex with other women? The freedom to come and go as he pleases with no accuntability or responsibility? If he wants an open, swinging marriage and you do not, I don't see how this can work without a concession on one of your parts. And it sounds like the one who's supposed to give in all the time is you.
So I think you need to figure out what it is you want from the marriage, and communicate that to him, in a non-confrontational and supportive manner. If this doesn't coincide with his expectations/demands, I think you need to ask yourself exactly how far you can be pushed before you finally draw the line. Where you say, This. Ends. Now.
And then stick to it, don't allow this cycle you seem to be in continue on. It is messing with your head and your sense of priorities and your mental health.
Lean on friends and family for support, ask for professional help if you need to, but figure out how you can stand up for yourself and be strong. You deserve better treatment than this; how do you get it? Work on that and you'll have your answer.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): In simple terms he got married too early in life, just like I did. My marriage lasted 19 years and most of them were miserable.
Ask yourself, in all honesty, how long you think your marriage will last if he keeps going on like this. If it's less than 20 years you'd be as well to give him this freedom he's looking for by divorcing.
Why suffer heaven knows how many more years of unhappiness only for it all to end in tears when you're much older and unlikely to be able to start over again?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Your husband is an immature asshole who clearly wasn't ready for marriage and still hasn't learnt the responsibilities of a husband after all those years together with you.
Leave him and find someone better.
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