A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel empty inside. My husband told me that he can't be himself around people or family when he is with me. he said that when he feels good and has something that makes him happy, he has to hold it in so that I won't burst his bubble. We are not intimate and haven't been for months. He says his feelings are all shut off because of how I feel, this has been going on for months. I am shattered, literally, I don't know what to do. I told him that is not true he can be himself and that I would not ever want him to feel that terrible or feel this way about me, he just looked at me and said I do and as I was crying he said "hey ,its not like its the end of the world." I told him he was unfair and why he had never told me this. I have asked to be intimate and he gives me an excuse. I told him that I have been feeling like something is wrong with me and he allowed this to go on without talking about it was not fair in order to work on things. He said we can try to work it out but he doesn't want to have any discussions. I am very depressed and sick to my stomach. I told him he needs to get some help but I don't think he will. I have been seeing a clinician because I am emotionally a wreck. It's hard to go to work and fake my way through. This has been a rough marriage for me being a stepmother of three (now full grown and on their own) I have been second to his parents and sister and the exwife. He says I make this up all in my head. He says Im jealous and insecure, I've told him if we would spend quality time together and I felt secure in our marriage a lot of this wouldn't be happening. I am not leaving, I have been married sixteen years to him and his family, I don't have anything else. I don't have the desire or energy. Please someone talk with me. I need strength.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): It sounds like your husband has a LOT of resentment towards you. He's basically telling you plainly that you "don't allow" him to be who he is. Maybe this means you criticize him a lot, or invalidate him. either way, it's clear that he has shut down towards you, and it's because of your behavior towards him. Just from this post, I see you blaming him and not taking his words to heart. For example, after you reported that he said he can't be himself around you, you then went on to basically invalidate it by saying "it's not true, he can be himself." And then you tell him he needs to get help. OP, if this is an example of how you usually are, no wonder he feels the way he does!!
You see, he told you honestly how he feels. And your response was to get defensive and say "it's not true." You invalidated his feelings. That's how to make someone shut down towards you, when you do this a lot or over the course of many years. And then you told him HE was being unfair, you proceeded to blame him when probably you are the cause of his feelings being like this. You then blamed him for not bringing this up sooner. Well he is bringing it up NOW, is he not? And this is how you respond - which is to blame him anyway. And then you told him that he needs to get some help. This is a very antagonistic way to deal with your husband, it is driving him further away from you rather than bringing him closer.
the more healthy response would be to ask him to go into more detail about WHY he feels he can't be around you. Invite him to be completely honest with you no matter how much it hurts to hear what he has to say. And then to seriously consider if what he is saying really is true, because ultimately if he is being honest with you about how he feels towards you, then THAT is the TRUTH for him. if your husband is having seriously negative feelings about you, denying that they are valid and then blaming him, is only going to make him feel even more negative about you.
From your perspective you have had a rough marriage, you feel like he puts his family of origin and his ex-wife above you. That's a valid feeling. You should share this perspective with him AND invite him to share his opposing perspective with you. Instead of insisting that your view is The Real Truth and his is wrong. Often, both of your perspectives are right, but in different ways. And you need to learn to respect the other person's feelings even though you see things differently. Only by truly attempting to understand the other person - not just shut down the conversation or blaming him when he says something about you that you don't like to hear - can you begin to work through your conflicts.
A
male
reader, learnNlive +, writes (11 December 2012):
Try to go about your days with a smile on your face - that will pick him up and eventually him looking happier will pick you up.
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