A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mom recently died and so I been a bit depress lately. I stopped wanting to do anything sexual with my husband. He was really annoyed by it. He still kept pressuring me. Anyway he come home really wasted and he come behind me and played with my breasts (something I don't like). I was mad at him I slapped him and then throw him out. Now hes at a hotel and keeps calling me. Im still quite angry with him and I rather not talk to him. Any ideas?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): If the situations were reversed I guarantee that NOBODY would be talking about divorce. Shocking how people are throwing out suggestions of divorce so quickly, when if this was a man asking nothing of the sort would even be talked about.
Did you sit down and talk with him telling him why you're not in the mood for sex at all? Kicking him out for that reason would only mean that there are other problems in your relationship that drove you to do it, if so you should explain it.
Men communicate love and affection through sex too, so you may have rejected his offers of consolement without knowing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): this situation is tricky. you are still in a state of mourning and your grief is evident. but sometimes through our trauma we need some physical intimacy with our loved ones. perhaps your hb was feeling lonely and as an outcast. have you told him how you feel, not just pushing him away but really tried to tell him the pain you have gone through during this time. i am not defending him, i just want you to consider all aspects here. you have every right to be upset but throwing him out is maybe a bit extreme. how is the state of your marriage otherwise, any other unresolved issues? maybe this one incident just triggered off a bigger underlying one. perhaps try thinking rationally and calm down before talking to him. one thing i want to point out, be happy he came to you for sex and did not decide to do it with anyone else. at least he came home to you. your emotional state regarding your mums death is understandable. you need to grieve and have time to mourn her death but plse try to not alienate him. keep the open communication in your marriage because once cracks start to surface and you don't address it it becomes so much harder to fix. marriage is not easy, it has to be worked on daily. i would like to share something with you. my mum died 5 yrs ago. i was the only one living very far, so had to travel home for the funeral. 3 days later my husband and i had sex at my late mothers home (our family home). i think it was our way of bonding over a sad time in our lives. i do not have any regrets because it was our emotional joining of our souls. death and the consequences are so devastating. it is our loved ones who help us through these painful times. we need to include them, if we can, instead of just mourning on our own. we also need to perhaps be held and comforted or just loved during this painful period. sometimes this "comfort" we get pulls us through everything and we cope better. i hope that you will work through your loss and heal well. take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): My question is how long since yout loss? Men and women both have their needs, and you don't take care of them, then someone else will. If you've had enough time to get over your mourning, and you still love him, make the sacrifice, even if you don't enjoy it as usual. If your loss is recent, leave him in the motel for a little while longer, but not forever, because that's damageing too
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): You dont deserve to be pressured into something you dont want to do especially after something like your mum dying from your husband. Because he was drunk and as you say `wasted` I think he probably didnt mean to do what he did however there is also the other side of the fact the drink gave him more confidence to actually try something on you rather than just talk. I do agree with others that you throwing him out the house does show you are very angry and annoyed at what hes been doing and I suggest you either talk to him about how badly hes acting or file for divorce if you feel a strong need to do so and no longer want to be with him.
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A
female
reader, tired82  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 Sometimes men don't know how to demonstrate their love to us except for in the sexual form. Some show their romantic, loving and caring side wanting to have sexual intercourse. He probably feels hurt inside as well since you are depressed and going through a difficult time. He is your husband and you shouldn't deprive him because of your depression. Go with what he wants maybe it will help you feel better. Nothing will make the loss of a parent better but it will help in avoiding any more heart ache.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 You have evey right to be angry with him. Given that you are still mourning your mother and may continue to do so for sometime, his behaviour is selfish in the extreme. Quite frankly he deserves to stay at the motel until he realises that he did not treat you with the love and understanding you deserve. Until you recover he should have been watching over you, monitoring you and showing the unconditional love he promised you when he married you. Leave him there long enough for him to learn his lesson, until he begs for you to take him back..and don't let that be too soon. You will of course get together again as you should but he must take complete responsibility for his behaviour first for not supporting you when you most desperately need him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Assuming that there are no other underlying problems making you want to split with him, you're going to have to talk to him really seriously about your feelings, and it won't be enough just to have him back in the house with both of you sitting in different rooms - you need a peace agreement, not an armed standoff. If you don't get the sex thing sorted out, it will snowball into a really tricky problem: he pressures you for sex, you react with hostility, he reacts with hostility, and before you know it sex will be all about winners and losers, it will become a bargaining chip. If you can't get it sorted out on your own, try counselling.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 June 2009):
 Seems as if your love for your husband is missing. It's not as the other poster said, with lack of respect, although his actions were not proper either. I do agree with the other poster to file for divorce. Kicking him out to a motel shows you're desire to not be with him, so that'd be my advise cause as you don't deserve to have him pressure you, he doesn't deserve the treatment you're putting him though now.
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