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My husband isn't always turned on by me when we have sex and so sometimes he will fantasize about other women to get excited.

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Question - (31 May 2010) 12 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2013)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband isn't always turned on by me when we have sex and so sometimes he will fantasize about other women to get excited. This hurts my feelings and I feel insecure because of it. Is this something that normally takes place when a man has been with one women for a long period of time?

I am the longest partner he has been with in over 10 years( we have been married for 3 together for 5) and I know that he choose to marry me but that doesn't change the fact that when we are having sex I am left to wonder if I am the one that is turning him on or if it is someone else. He tells me that there is more to being attracted to someone then the physical aspect of it. I find my self resentful about the fact that I am not enough and sometimes I want to leave the marriage. Is this something that I would encounter with another man after being with him for 5 years? Is ending the marriage a good idea based off his lack of sexual desire for me?

If anyone has been married for a long period of time and can give any feed back that would help me with this or to get a different perspective I would appreciate it

View related questions: insecure, period

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A female reader, butterfly212 Australia +, writes (1 March 2013):

hi there,

All that i can tell you is that its normal, and there are some very naive people out there if they think there own husbands aren't doing the exact same thing. just because he fantasizes about other women during sex doesnt mean he does not love you, it doesnt mean he doesnt find you attractive or that you've "aged" , and finding a toy boy is rediculous. you obviously communicate , but not well enough. talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. then ask yourself have you never found another man attractive? or fantasized about another men while having sex yourself? perhaps you just need to spice up your sex life ,try something new, talk to him about his fantazies, it might not actually be the women but what they are "doing" that he thinks about, it may be that he wants sex outdoors or something different etc etc.. its easy to get stuck in the same boring routine . i am only young , i have been with my husband for 6 years, i know he is aroused by other women, as i am with other men, but we love each other and at the end of the day we only want each other, we are secure enough in ourselves to talk about it, i know its very hurtful in the beginning but once you stop taking it personally you will be able to work through it. getting advice online is not a good idea ..there are alot of people out there that only see the negatives.perhaps try talking to a marriage counciller . goodluck x

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A female reader, greedy4urluv United States +, writes (11 October 2010):

greedy4urluv agony auntI don't know exactly what you are going thru, I read this and then looked at my husband and asked him, and he laughed at me and said why do you, right then and there I knew how silly I was being for asking the question in the first place. I am not saying that communicating with your husband is silly in anyway but I believe that if you are able to communicate like that you have to be able to handle the answers he gives because if you asked then obviously you want the truth, my husband may fantasize but he knows better then to tell me because he knows that I would obsess over ot, I think your husband knew that you could handle his true feelings and told you,,,but next timw if you don't think you can handle the absolute truth don't ask him... And about ending your marriage only u can answer whether or. Not this new piece of information he's told you is worth letting him go for..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010):

I crack up when I see women telling men to "grow up" when they cant handle the truth. Odds below is right on the money - and some women just cant handle that. Its just like the retroactive jealousy thing - a man being pissed about a promiscuous past is actually an evolutionary by-product of being a normal healthy male. When that fact comes back to bite some women in the tail, they then try to make it our problem by telling us to "grow up" and we "need counseling."

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (4 June 2010):

Miamine agony auntAh, now that makes much more sense. You and your husband have decided to have a relationship built on honesty and open communication. That is one of the best types of relationships a couple can have. However, it dose come with it's own problems, you can't expect him to be honest, then feel inadequate and hurt when he dose. Of course it hurts you say, well then don't ask such questions. People think about many different types of things during sex, people are all different. Me, I think about nothing, I just go with the sensation. I hope that my partner is counting football scores, doing mathermatics or playing chess so he doesn't climax too fast..

If you can't handle the answers, then don't ask the questions, and coming here to investigate is about the worst thing you can do. What if the men here tell you they never fantasise about other women, will that make you feel better or worse. Best thing to do with these "open confessions", is to forget them as fast as you can, don't take them personally because they mean nothing at all.

You can't handle this type of truth, so I suggest you and your husband stop discussing things that are better left in your own heads.

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (4 June 2010):

To the one who is having the problem w/ her husband thinking of other woman while giving oral sex! you don't have to aploigize you have said nothing wrong but only asking for advice, as we all do. and the other writer who insist for what ever reason being nasty to you had no right.

who suggest you get a toy boy! who gets more looks now then before? well more power to her. any how you write what you want to it's an open blog and freedom of speech so honey let it all hang out! were here for ya!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok so here I am and it seems like I didn't post my question very carefully... infact when I posted it I was caught in a moment of feelings.

My husband and I talk about everything and though we talk maybe about too much I believe it helps me to know him and vise versa. I didn't mean for the interpitation to be that he never finds me attractive because that is not the case. He has said that when he is tired his head roams and during oral the women will pop up in his head.He has never said to me it is because I don't turn him on. We have a sex life more then the average married couple( according to some research I have done). What I wanted to know was is it normal for men to do this when getting oral pleasure or having intercourse with their partner to fantasize about other women.

I see now that this is a touchy subject as I have gotten several responses from different people. This is the first time I have ever done this so I thought maybe I could get some insight into this area from people I don't know and you don't know me.This is something you don't run around and tell every one you know it is to personal.

I also wanted to say that I don't think my age has anything to do with my sex appeal. Infact I think I look good for my age. No I am not 20 years old and a size 5 any more but who says that was me at my prime. I am anverage 37 year old women and that is ok with me and the man that married me and those that turn their heads when they see me.

My experience on this site has been new to me and I now see how carefully I must put down my words and how important clear comunication is on here and to write less of emotion and more on thought.

Yes this hurts my feelings knowing about my husband and his fantisies, sure I feel inadequate because of them from time to time and ofcourse I wish they weren't there and that this was something I didn't know about but I do and now my quest is finding out if this is something men do. How do other women deal with this.etc. etc.etc...

To those of you that have taken your time to reply thank you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

Odds, sorry but you need to grow up. I'm a 39 year d woman who is most definately more attractive than I was 5 years ago or even 10. in fact I get more looks and propsositions from men ( many much younger) than my 20 year old daughter and her friends . so quit making assumptions

this mans behaviour is an excuse and a poor one. Next time he says he needs to get aroused by another woman leave him with his porno and go off and get a toy boy.

Ps odds, your bound to have a happy long lasting marrige arn't you? When you go into it believing your wife become less attractive to you with each passing year. You have a LOT to learn boy!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

I disagree with Odds soooo much here. My parents have been together for 25 years and are still very much sexually and otherwise attracted to eachother. My dad is 64 and my mom is 52! If they are still attracted to eachother, Odd's point makes no sense. The OP is much younger than even my mom and has been with her man for only a total of 8 years and married for 5. I mean jeez. No, this is NOT normal!

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (1 June 2010):

Odds agony auntYour age bracket says 36-40. The problem is simply a fact of biology; you are almost certainly less attractive now than you were five years ago. Leaving him to find another man will be difficult, and the man you find will almost certinaly be less attractive to you, as well.

This is something every woman encounters at some point in her life. I'm sorry, it hurts, but there's a silver lining.

He probably still loves you. That's not clear from your post, but it sounds like he does. His body, however, does not give a damn about his feelings. His body is programmed by nature to respond to younger women, the same ways yours is programmed to respond to confident men. It probably bothers him as much as it bothers you, if not more.

If he explicitly said he is not physically attracted to you, well, he's honest but a little lacking in tact. Be glad that he's honest, it makes him less likely to cheat in the real world.

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (1 June 2010):

You said it all in a nut shell! leave while the gettings good. no'one should be treated like that and no it is not normal what planted did he leap off of? shame on him for being insensitive and shame on you for tolerating it! love is not shaming one another are hurting one another. love is real and it is suppose to feel good not shameful or disgusting are leaving doubt in ones mind. if you really want you're answer put him in you're shoes why don't you have a fanasty and see the look on his face and how he feels then you will know! and he just might like it and if he does i would really run for the hills (sick Puppy)

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2010):

Miamine agony auntI was with my ex for 18 years.. and as far as I know he still finds me attractive.

I don't understand what is happening in your marriage. How do you know he fantazies durring sex? Do you ask him, or dose he tell you.. How in the hell do you two start talking about such things?

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A male reader, Honest Answer United States +, writes (1 June 2010):

Honest Answer agony auntWow. He told you that? There are certain things "man code" that we are never supposed to tell to a wife/g/f to include: Honey, does this pair of jeans make me look fat? Hell no! How's my cooking? Wonder-freaking-ful! Do, you fantasize about over women when you are making love to me? Never in a billion years.

Actually, I am glad that the two of you are comunicating. A bit too much, but its better than not communicating at all. Even though you have been married for 10 years, sex doesn't have to be boring. Since he is so willing to tell you his feelings, ask him if he has any fantasys. You don't have to indulge them, but atleast you will know what makes him tick. And you might be suprised that some are fantasies that you wouldn't mind making true.

Not every sexual encounter needs to be "rockets and fireworks". Sometimes, sex is used to unwind or releive stress. But most importantly, it is about two people. I know you are working on satisfying his needs, but is he satisfying yours? If not, let him know!

Good Luck!

Jeff

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